Dear Kid,

I am really proud of my subconscious.

Sometimes my dreams wander off in all sorts of seemingly random directions and all I can do is follow along wondering whose brain all this stuff belongs to.

But in my dream last night, I avoided a financial scam. I’m so proud of myself.

In my dream, I was at some kind of performance and sitting next to me was an older gentleman (let’s not get into the age thing, ok?) who was complimenting me on the beauty of my green eyes. They’re hazel but my subconscious accepted the compliments and didn’t quibble over color. My subconscious also didn’t quibble over the fact that said “gentleman” was talking during the performance (which my real self would never have tolerated).

Then the gentleman asked if I wanted to share some of the extraordinary potatoes served there (who serves potato skins during a performance?) and (here comes the extra scammery part) just to show we were just friends we could split the cost and if I would I just give him my credit card he—being a gentleman—would get it all taken care of.

My subconscious declined the invitation to split the cost but happily accepted some of the French fries. Who puts French fries on a plate of world-class potato skins?

There are all sorts of financial scams in the world today. Some of them are more subtle than others.

The moral of the story is

• If it seems scammy, it probably is
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is
• If someone asks you to make an immediate financial decision, it’s likely to be a scam—you should always have time to think it over and get second opinions
• If someone tells you your eyes are worth watching more than a performance, it’s probably scammery
• Trust your gut—don’t ever let someone (except your mother) pressure you into a decision.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Let’s talk Money.

Don’t roll your eyes.

You are enough of an adult for us to have this conversation and enough of a kid for me to (more or less) force the conversation upon you.

Money is a good thing. Money is perhaps a great thing. It can’t (generally) buy happiness, but it can buy food and shelter and clothes and guitar strings. It can buy shoes and jeans and shoes and accessories and shoes and sports equipment and shoes and boots and sandals.

Money does not grow on trees. Depending on the interest rate, it might not even grow very much in the bank.

Money is never something you should obsess over. But money appreciates a modicum of attention and without that modicum of attention, money will trickle away in frivolous purchases that are easily (and perhaps best) forgotten.

Treated properly, with respect, and with some rules, money will hang around for a long time. Without those, it will never grow up properly. Just like children.

Mom’s Money Rules for College Kids

1. Begin saving for something immediately if not sooner. Not a lot—you don’t have a lot of money to begin with. But get in the habit.

2. Be judicious about debt. Sometimes it is unavoidable. (Did I hear you say Student Loans?) But be aware of interest rates and your ability to make payments.

3. Avoid credit card debt like the plague. If you can’t afford to pay the entire balance every month, you can’t afford the purchase. Living with the disappointment is easier than having crushing debt.

4. Cut corners. Not in studying or school work, but in purchasing. Avoid spontaneous purchases of bright shiny objects. Don’t always pick up the check for everyone because you’re a nice guy (you are a nice guy, but you’re broke). Buy food you can afford. NOTE: You cannot afford steak on a regular basis. Eat out as a treat, not a habit. You’re in college—you’re supposed to suffer.

5. Donate to charity. Not necessarily with money since we’ve already established that you suffer from a shortage of ready cash. But you have enough time to do some good in the world.

6. Don’t gamble. The house always wins. If you want to play a game of chance (I include all forms of poker in this category for the purposes of this conversation), decide how much you are willing to lose (the amount you’ll “pay” for fun) and don’t exceed it. I repeat: The house ALWAYS wins.

7. Don’t skimp on your health. If you need meds, get them and take them. If you have a cut, get a bandaid. Handle stuff when it’s the small stuff so it doesn’t become the big stuff.

8. Create a budget and stick to it. Boring, I know. But important.

9. Be willing to ask for help. Very few college kids are financial geniuses. Even those studying business are learning about corporate finance which has pretty much nothing to do with real life. Ask for help and learn from others.

10. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Move on.

Decide what money rules are important to you. (You’re young, you can modify them as you go.)

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We are having a catastrophe. Of catastrophic proportions. Worse, far worse, than anything that has hit the globe in your lifetime.

We are headed for a chocolate crisis. More specifically, we are headed for a lack of chocolate crisis. Of epic proportions.

Apparently, we’re already in a chocolate deficit. Which means we ate 70,000 metric tons more chocolate than the world produced last year. I am reasonably sure that I (personally) contributed to the crisis. And apparently chocolate makers have watched me in their crystal ball because they are predicting a 20 million metric ton deficit by 2030.

Mathematically speaking, I’m confused. We’re in a honking long streak of chocolate deficit years, so at some point one would think we’d a) run out of reserves and b) get tired of stale chocolate. It’s not like the Central Bank where they just make money out of thin air and paper. You actually have to have chocolate to eat chocolate.

One reason for the deficit is the frosty pod fungus (clearly a made up disease named by fantasy genre writers). Another is that growing cocoa is hard and insufficiently profitable compared to other crops like corn. And the biggest “problem” is that we’re eating more chocolate. (As Grandma points out, chocolate is a vegetable, so it’s good for you.)

As you doubtless know, falling supply plus increase demand means chocolate prices are going to skyrocket (they’re already up considerably).

Being the kind of mom I am, I have taken the liberty of coming up with some solutions to this impending disaster.

1. Stop Eating Chocolate. Yeah, right. Next!

2. Get Everyone Else to Stop Eating Chocolate. Only slightly more likely.

3. Remortgage the House to provide funding for my chocolate habit.

Love ya’ kid, but I’ve got to run to the bank now.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Quick, guess when the first ATM (automatic teller machine) went into business. Wrong (probably). September 2, 1969, was the day the first ATM debuted (at Chemical Bank in Rockville Center, NY). According to the bank’s advertisement: “On Sept. 2 our bank will open at 9:00 and never close again.”

The first ATM was called Docuteller, invented by Don Wetzel at Docutel (Docutel also figured out how to automate baggage handling).

“But wait!” you say, “I have never heard of Chemical Bank—they must have closed.” Wrong again, young padawan. Chemical bought Chase and chose to take the Chase name. But this is about ATMs and not about Chemical or Chase.

At first ATMs were less than widely successful, mostly because they were less than widely available, mostly because they were less than widely cheap. However, the cost went down and acceptance went up and by the 1980s there were more ATMs than butterflies. There is even an ATM at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. The penguins find this very helpful when they leave home without enough pebbles in their pockets.

Eventually (and by “eventually” I mean in the greedy 1990s), banks figured out that they could charge people to use ATMs. Customers loved this added benefit (and by “loved” I mean would have started a revolution if social media had been invented then).

Today, a new ATM is born every 5 minutes. There are rumors that we won’t need ATMs in the future because we have cell phones and clever college students have figured out how to do 90% of their banking through their phones (including check deposit and getting mom to transfer money). What the clever college students haven’t yet figured out is how to get their phones to dispense cash. Once they figure that out, well. I can think of several things that will change in the universe.

Yes, I transferred the money we talked about.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, people landed on the shores of these here United States and bought Manhattan for a handful of baubles. Real estate prices have gone up since then.

On August 8, 1786 (more than 200 years ago—I point this out since you’re still on summer break and I’m sure your internal calculator isn’t working), the Continental Congress authorized the issuance of the US dollar. The term “dollar” had already been in use for some time thanks to Back to the Future Part 126 (which has yet to be filmed).

The US Mint was created by Congress in 1792. Unhappily for 40% of the people touring the building, the Mint doesn’t produce Girl Scout Cookies. Unhappily for the remaining 60% of the tourists who know what the Mint really does, they do not hand out samples.

Early money was chunky since it was made out of gold, silver, and the aforementioned beads. The first paper money was hand-drawn on cocktail napkins and people were therefore unsurprisingly skeptical. Unsurprisingly (again), War was the instigator of change (extra points for remembering the Greek Goddess of War).

The change (not to be confused with pocket change) came about because in 1861 Congress needed money to finance the Civil War. So they made it up and issued Demand Notes. Demand Notes were printed on orange paper with purple ink which is why they were nicknamed Greenbacks.

After a bunch of years, a bunch of dollars, and a bunch of wars, the Bretton Woods (which did not go to Dunsinane Hill – serious extra points for getting that one) Accord linked most currencies to the dollar. This system did not last forever. Bretton Woods also created the International Monetary Fund (IMF) which changed its name but pretty much has lasted forever.

Today, like the currency of most nations, the dollar is fiat money (not backed by any physical asset [and by “physical asset” economists generally mean gold]). You can use it to buy other kinds of cars besides Fiats.

More importantly, you can use money to buy things like food and shoes.

Banks are a good place to keep money, but that is a subject for another day.

Love, Mom

Athena is the Goddess of War (but you knew that).

According to The Bard (by which I mean Shakespeare) Macbeth will be safe until Great Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane Hill.