Dear Kid,

There are many things I’m good at. There are even more things I’m not terrible at.

Opening bottles of sparkling water doesn’t fall into either of those categories.

I take incompetence to an entirely new level when it comes to opening soda water. (Not Diet Coke. For some reason I am an exceptionally gifted Diet Coke opener.) My inability to politely open a bottle of soda water is so thorough I may have to consider it one of my Super Powers.

Here’s how it goes.

Find bottle of flavored fizzy water. Place on counter for a long time. Gently turn cap. Watch in horror as it explodes all over the kitchen/workplace/breakroom. Fetch towels. Lots and lots of towels.

Other people seem to have figured out the secret code. It involves (I believe) simultaneously twisting the top in multiple directions, probably through multiple universes. It is possible that it involves secret pacts with the bottlers, being really tall, and a super-secret handshake with aliens although I haven’t been able to verify this.

After thorough analysis, I have determined there are three ways to handle this problem. One is to learn the super-secret handshake and get good at opening the bottles. The second is relying on friends to open the dang things for me. The third is to invest in a paper towel factory.

Guess which one I’m going with?

Love, Mom

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