Dear Kid,

Your sister has decided to kill me.

I know this because she has been doing the insanity workouts this summer and has decided I need to join her in these workouts.

Anything that includes the word “insanity” and is not immediately followed either by the word “chocolate” or “coffee” cannot possibly be good for me.

In order to preserve my sanity, my capacity to breathe, and my ability walk upright, I’ve decided to begin compiling a list of reasons NOT to do the insanity workout.

1. I have a hangnail.
2. I don’t have an Insanity Workout outfit.
3. My eyelashes hurt.
4. I sprained my eardrum.
5. I want to be able to work out tomorrow.
6. “Work. Out.” ‘Nuff said.
7. I have to cook dinner.
8. I have to write a blog.
9. I have to paint the garage.
10. I have to finish knitting a sweater.
11. I have to learn how to knit.
12. I have a date with a pillow.
13. I need to text someone.
14. I have to be home in case the political pollsters call.
15. I’d rather binge out on Oreos.

I don’t think she’ll accept any of those, but a girl’s gotta try.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I’ve been thinking about New Year’s Resolutions. Studies show that the vast majority of people who make NYRs break them before they recover from their New Year’s Eve induced hangover.

Nonetheless,

For 2016, I resolve

To drink more water. How I will measure this is completely unclear since I have no idea how much water I drank in 2015. But I’m committed to trying up my dihydrogen monoxide intake (yeah, I just really wanted to say dihydrogen monoxide).

To spend more time with friends. Not sure how I’ll do that since it is just plain HARD to make 24 hours a day stretch to 27 or so. But I’m committed to trying.

To brush the puppy more often. I know how to do that one (take brush in one hand and puppy in the other…), but I’m not sure exactly what it will accomplish since shedding is his primary occupation.

To drink less coffee. (Not really. But it looks impressive on the list so I’ll leave it there a little longer.)

To get more sleep. See above comment about figuring out how to get more hours into the day. But maybe I can give up a few hours of TV in order to get some additional shut eye.

To start AND FINISH a crafts project. Starting is no problem. Finishing could be a bit of a sticky wicket.

To keep the kitchen counters free of clutter. Yep. Right after I give up coffee and bad TV.

Perhaps I’d better rethink this list.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Udderly weird facts about cows.

There are approximately 340-350 squirts in a gallon of milk.

Cows may smell bad, but they have a great sense of smell. They can smell something up to 6 miles away. They hear really well too. Cows can hear lower and higher frequencies better than humans. I have no idea how this helps them.

It takes 12 pounds of whole milk to make one gallon of ice cream. And 21.2 pounds of whole milk to make one pound of butter. (Speaking of butter, the yellow color comes from beta-carotene in the grass cows eat.)

Cows are social animals, and they naturally form large herds. Within the herd, cows make friends and bond to some herd members, while avoiding others. No word on whether they start nasty rumors about the ones they don’t much like.

A cow’s normal body temperature is 101.5°F. Which makes them really hot stuff. And keeps the butter melted.

Love, Mom

Tomorrow: How to tell the difference between cows and college students.

Dear Kid,

Mondays are very interesting animals.

When you Google Monday, you find all kinds of interesting facts.

Like: “According to a study by Marmite in 2011, the average person in the UK does not smile on a Monday until 11.16am.”

I can’t figure out how they got to 11:16, but I find it fascinating.

Most of the facts I found about Monday are both depressing and questionable (like 11:16am).

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of Mondays because they begin with morning. An early morning. And they’ve convinced a whole bunch of other early mornings to follow them.

But right after the early morning comes coffee, which is when the day starts to get better. A LOT better (aren’t you glad I didn’t say “a latte” better?).

I searched for some happy Monday facts; they don’t exist.

Being the kind of Mom I am, I decided to create some happy Monday facts. Since I’m putting them on the internet, they must be true. Here are 5 Incredible Facts About Mondays.

1. Monday is the day of the week you are least likely to step in dog poop on your way to lunch.
2. French toast tastes especially good on Monday.
3. Diets begun on a Monday are at least as likely to be successful as diets begun on any other day of the week.
4. Every great week starts with a Monday.
5. No one ever did anything great without an occasional Monday.

Also, Monday is an anagram of ‘dynamo’. (I didn’t make that one up.)

Here’s to a Great Monday.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

It’s that time of year again.

The time of year when you go to work when it’s dark and come home when it’s dark. The time of year when bears and people would really rather think about hibernation.

The time of year when people worry about whether coffee tastes good out of red cups rather than worrying about the important things like war, famine, and whether it’s legal to play fantasy football.

It’s a list-making time of year. (OK, for me, it is always a list-making time of year, but right now it seems everyone is making lists. Some are even checking them twice.)

We’re making lists about who will do what chore when they come home from college. We’re making lists about menus and ingredients and who will eat what and do not get Aunt Martha started about her cataracts.

We’re making lists about emails to send and cards to write and decorations to purchase. We’re making lists about what we need to take when we travel and what time we absolutely, positively MUST leave the house in order to avoid traffic and make our connection. We’re making lists about getting the cleaning done and the baking done and do not talk about politics with Aunt Martha no matter what.

We’re making lists of what to be thankful for and what chapters to study and what homework is due. We’re making lists of what can be accomplished before the end of the year and what will have to wait until 2016. We’re making lists of home repairs and hoping the weather will read the list and not make things difficult.

We’re making lists of what’s on sale when and whether we can live without a muffin pan that lets you bake 48 mini muffins at once. We’re making lists of which doctor appointments have been scheduled and whether we can still get in for a teeth cleaning during winter break.

We make our lists, knowing that some of the things will get done and some will almost get done and some will not get done despite our best efforts. But we do what we can and decide to celebrate being with the people we love rather than fretting about whether we have enough decorations. (We still hope no one brings up the presidential debates with Aunt Martha.)

And for the record, coffee tastes the same no matter what color cup you drink from. Ditto for the design on the cup. To all those who are fretting about it, get over yourselves.

Love, Mom