Dear Kid,

I think I am going to try a new approach to housework this weekend.

In the past, I’ve tried tackling housework projects head-on. It’s never worked out as well as I might hope. But I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out the issue.

The problem as I see it is that the housework is fighting back. When I tackle projects straight-on, the housework sees me coming, marshalls its considerable resources, and stages a successful counterattack. While some of the dust acts to distract me by jumping on the Swiffer, most of the dirt scatters before I get to it and then reaccumulates after I’ve moved on.

Result: Dust Dragons: 3. Me: 0.

I think the correct approach must be to sneak up on the housework. If it doesn’t see me coming, I might be able to lob in a squirt or two of Windex or something before the barriers go up. I might be able to corral some of the Tupperware and shove it into the cabinet before it realizes it is no longer going to be free-range plastic. I might be able to get the laundry done and folded before it takes root.

I envision a home with a new score: Me: 1; Chaos: 0.

Then again, I might decide to get a pedicure and a blindfold.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I love The Skimm. Love, love, love (and thank you to Auntie C to who introduced us to The Skimm).

But it’s thanks to The Skimm that I now know The World Has Gone Too Far. Khloe Kardashian has a fitness closet.

Not sure I should know anything about Khloe. Not sure I should know she has a fitness closet. But now I do and it has given rise to Some Thoughts.

First of all, how many pairs of fitness shoes can one person have? (Did I really write that?) Even for me, it seems excessive when one individual has more pairs of shoes than DSW. At some point, you just can’t even wear that many in year.

And how many different closets does one person need? What’s more to the point, how do you remember which closet something is in? Hmmm….are my red pants in the red closet or the pants closet?

And how many black sweatshirts does one human need? I counted 18 or so in the picture. Really? Even Pi doesn’t have that many and she seems to have accumulated a ridiculous number of sweatshirts in recent years. Is it possible that Khloe has multiple clothes closets but not one single washing machine? Seems unlikely.

It’s not that I begrudge her excesses (well, not exactly). She can afford it and the sports clothing and closet building industries are grateful for her desire to accumulate and organize. I’m just sort of stunned by it.

I aspire to get to the financial point in life where I have the wherewithal to be able to build and fill such a closet. And I hope that if I ever get to that point I choose to spend my money elsewhere.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

If you were more of a neatness-oriented child <stop>. Let’s be honest. If you were more of a neatness-oriented child you’d probably have chosen more neatness-oriented parents.

Sigh.

Yesterday you asked me to send you some Stuff from your room. Being the kind of mom I am, I agreed to undertake the challenge.

I ventured into the accumulation of chaos we call your room. Don’t worry, I had on a full hazmat suit and a helmet.

The thing about agreeing to send you Stuff is that I forgot about the finding the Stuff first.

I looked high (periscope up) and low (periscope down).

I did not find the Stuff.

Sigh.

So I did the Smartest Thing Possible.

I sent Dad up to your room to search.

After a few minutes, he didn’t reappear.

A few minutes later, he still hadn’t emerged and I began to wonder if the closet had eaten him.

Fortunately, it turned out that he was being thorough and had not been dissolved in a pile of laundry.

But he didn’t find the Stuff either.

Sigh.

And sorry.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

Mankind (I’m a generalist when it comes to language. If you’re offended, we can have that discussion another day) has long known that there is something mystically magical (in a not entirely good way) about laundry.

Everyone knows about the Amazing Disappearing Sock in the Dryer conundrum. This has existed since people washed their socks in the river, draped them over bushes to dry, went down to a friend’s hut to discuss what was trending on the drums, and came back to discover one sock gone. Just gone. Ancient people eventually realized this was due to a syndrome in which mastodons often got a cold nose and stole socks to wear as nose cozies. One of the only people not at all fazed by disappearing socks is Pi, who purposefully wears mis-matched socks almost all the time (notable exception: during a soccer game) thus thumbing (or toeing) her nose at cold-nosed mastodons.

Everyone also knows of the Magic Stain Appearance Trick, in which stains that were not present prior to washing show up during folding. Sneaky things, those stains. A stain that appears during washing is a special kind of stain and there is almost nothing you can do to get it out. Learn to pretend you spilled something on your clothes 10 minutes ago and haven’t had time to get back to the dorm and change–or get rid of said garment.

I’m pretty sure the rules that govern most of the planet are suspended in the laundry room. Something to do with laundry wards and ancient laundry curses is my guess.

Have you ever noticed that you can put all the laundry in the machine, leave to go watch an important episode of NCIS: L.A., and when you come back to move the laundry to the dryer the hamper is full again?

Magic. Also your sister’s knack for hoarding laundry until her room is about to be declared a disaster area–then three months’ worth of laundry tumbles down the chute in a “whump.” And by “three months’ worth of laundry” I mean what she wore yesterday and the day before.

Laundry also has a way of consuming the things you most want to wear.

On the rare occasions when I wake up confident about the Right Clothes for the day, I inevitably discover that the particular outfit I have in mind is waiting for a wash to be done. This of course leads to me standing in my closet mulling–and rejecting–everything in sight.

In some ways this is not totally horrible as I spend most morning staring at my closet wondering why it is full of things I don’t want to wear. So I’m used to it. But it would be nice to have a break occasionally.

Off to get the laundry started.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The good news: As reported previously, John Oliver is indeed going to have his own show. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It won’t be on Comedy Central. It will be on HBO.

The bad news: We don’t get HBO. And I assume you won’t be getting HBO at college either.

One word: YouTube

~~

The good news: We got the new internet box working. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It took 432 hours.

The bad news: We will have to change it out again at some point.

One word: Technology

~~

The good news: The International Olympic Committee has created a $10 Million anti-doping fund to monitor athletes and work with law enforcement agencies. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It’s not at all clear when the changes will go into effect but it won’t be in time for Sochi.

The bad news: The IOC has to have another meeting to finalize this new direction. Poor babies.

One word: It’s-about-time

~~

The good news: You’re home from college for a month. Huzzah!

The not so good news: So are 90% of your belongings.

The bad news: All your stuff is in the dining room.

One word: Kitchen-table

~~

The good news: It’s a bright, sunny day. Huzzah!

The not so good news: It’s 22 degrees. Brrrr.

The bad news: It’s supposed to start snowing later.

One word: Weather-wimp

Love, Mom