Dear Kid,

Speaking of things that aren’t going to happen, we got mail today addressed to The Parents Of:

In this particular case it was addressed tTPO your sister, but that’s not really the relevant part. It could have been to tTPO any college kid.

It was from – wait for it – the University’s residence halls association offering – wait for it – laundry service.

Yes, for a mere billion dollars, they will pick up, check pockets, pretreat, sort, wash, dry, fold (meticulously), package, and delivery laundry.

Wait, they fold meticulously, but nothing else meticulously?

And, get this, they “check each load for complete drying.” Gee, I thought they’d deliver soggy laundry.

They match socks and fold in pairs. (That’s different from folding meticulously.) I’m almost tempted to sign Pi up just to see how they handle someone who never wears matching socks.

In my opinion, college kids should be able to do their own laundry. It’s part of the experience. It’s a life skill. If you’re in the dorm, the washers are handy.

I suppose there are circumstances under which a kid couldn’t do laundry. But the scenarios I’m imagining involve things a lot more serious than dirty jeans.

Then there’s the cost. There are a variety of plans depending on how much laundry you plan to have, and they range from Expensive to You Can Buy Your Own Washer-Dryer For That Much! I know.

Laughing all the way to the recycle bin.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There is more news olds about laundry than I could fit in yesterday’s letter. Here is Part Next, which is (obviously) critical to your life, laundry, and general well-being.

In 1797, Mr. Board invented the scrubbing board. Then in 1851, Mr. Drum invented the first hand-operated washing machine with a revolving drum. Actually, Mrs. Jennie Drum invented it, and while all her friends loved it, none of the major manufacturers would talk to her (what with her being female and therefore not an inventor).

The first electric washing machine was invented in 1879, but had to wait until electricity was invented and available to go into production.

In 2009, the official Vatican newspaper declared that the washing machine did more to liberate women than the contraceptive pill or the right to work.

Not only was laundry pivotal in the women’s movement, it has always been an important part of combat. (Which in some areas were the same thing.)

Back in Revolutionary days, there was no reliable way for getting information from New York City to General George. The Culper Spy Ring on Long Island solved the intelligence gathering and dissemination situation through laundry. Anna Smith Strong used the laundry on her clothesline to leave signals regarding where the spies patriots should gather to share information.

During the Civil War, soldiers had to pay to have their laundry done. An enlisted man paid 50 cents monthly, unmarried officers paid $1-$2 monthly, and married officers paid $4 monthly (for his wife’s clothes? I don’t rightly know). All of this meant that a) soldiers’ clothes were (sort of) clean even if the soldier wasn’t and B) a washerwoman earned more than a soldier. Clean living and all that.

In military lingo, a laundry bag is a parachute.

During the war in Northern Ireland, the British were trying to figure out who was making bombs (and where they were making them). They opened a laundry shop and sent out color coded discount tickets (the color coding was based on specific streets). When people brought in laundry with the discount ticket, it was pretty easy to determine what part town they lived in.

Before the clothing was washed or cleaned, it was analyzed for bomb-making residue. When they had a positive result, the laundry would sent out another set of coupons with specific numbers. Once they had good addresses, military teams swooped in on several homes and arrested people (and nabbed the weapons, etc.). Coolest part: during the operation, no one was injured or killed. Cleanest part: the criminals all had spotless clothes.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The new washer and dryer are being delivered today.

You might think that is cause for celebration.

If you think so, you’re partly right.

I can’t say I’m exactly excited about 97 loads of laundry, but it sure beats having 97 loads of laundry piling up in the laundry room.

The thing about laundry (as I’m sure you’ve found in college) is that it expands in exact reverse proportion to the amount of time you have available for laundry-ing.

When there is nothing but time (or a great game on TV during which you can fold laundry or move the wash to the dryer during commercials) you have one pair of shorts and a t-shirt that need to be cleaned. When you’re completely out of clothes, you have no time whatsoever to get laundry taken care of. It’s Murphy’s variation on laundry.

There is also an axiom about laundry supplies (this is particularly true for those on tight budgets). The more laundry you have, the less detergent is left in the bottle. And all the stores are closed except the one 5 miles away and you don’t have a car and really those jeans can certainly be worn one more time.

I learned today that if you have very dirty clothes, you should run them through the wash twice with your regular amount of detergent rather than doubling the detergent in one cycle.

The next sound you hear will be the spin cycle.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We’ve now established that there really isn’t anything good about not having a washing machine (except for fab friend Joshua who is looking for a reason to learn how to do laundry in a stream with a rock. Or so he says. But his washing machine is functional, so he may be exaggerating a wee bit.).

In case you weren’t sure, I can now also report that there really isn’t anything good about going washing machine shopping.

I had hoped to walk into the Washing Machine Store, glance around, see the big sign (with an arrow) that said “This Is Your Washing Machine and We’ll Deliver It Tomorrow”, hand over a credit card, and go about my day.

It didn’t work out that way.

Six stores, 4 phone calls, 500 texts, three hours, and 2 cups of coffee later, no decision. But after dinner last evening, Dad and I ordered a washer and dryer. And bought suet for the birds.

The machines won’t be here until Thursday; the birds will be fed later today. And Pi has already lined up some of her friends’ moms to do laundry because she can’t possibly go almost a week without clean clothes.

If you think she doesn’t have a large enough wardrobe, you’d be wrong. If you think she takes crazy good care of her clothes, you’d be wrong. If you think her soccer uniform needs to be washed before playoffs and she can talk people into doing all sorts of things including doing her laundry, you’d have hit the proverbial nail right on its proverbial noggin.

The Puppy is fine with not having his linens washed for a few days. In fact, he says he prefers it that way.

Do not ask if I am thrilled with the new washer and dryer we’ve chosen. Do not ask if my heart is going pitter-pat with anticipation of having new appliances. The answer would not be enlightening. Nor would it set a good example, although you might learn some new words. It’s a washing machine and dryer, not a piece of jewelry or a great pair of shoes.

I’m considering following Joshua’s example and finding a good rock.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Today’s blog is called 7 Good Things About Not Having a Washing Machine.

1. You don’t have to stay up until the wash ends so you can move the laundry to the dryer.
2. There is no #2.

I lied. There aren’t 7 good things about not having a washing machine.

But if I stop writing now you will roll your eyes and say “Mom” in the tone of voice that turns three tiny letters into seventeen syllables and 8 octaves.

Fine. I shall try again.

7 Good Things About Not Having a Washing Machine.

1. You don’t have to stay up until the wash ends so you can move the laundry to the dryer.
2. You save on water and electric.
3. Your clothes will be in perfect condition if you need to go undercover as a homeless person.
4. You have a burning desire to learn how do laundry in a stream with a rock but never had the motivation to practice—now you have a built in reason.
5. Your boring weekend can now be filled with comparison shopping for appliances.
6. No one can get mad that you haven’t run the laundry yet.
7. You can’t get mad that no one has folded the laundry because you haven’t run it yet.

Ta and Da.

Challenge accepted and accomplished.

But if we’re going to be honest about the whole thing, I could live happily without having to fill my weekend with comparison shopping for appliances.

There really isn’t much good about not having a washing machine…

Love, Mom