Dear Kid,

Are you going to carve a pumpkin this year?

I haven’t decided either. But in the “better spend some time surfing the internet for ideas I’ll never carve rather than dusting something” vein, I took a quick look for jack-o’-inspiration.

Four hours later, I feel completely inadequate.

It is amazing how many people spend time (lots of time) and talent (lots of talent) carving pumpkins. That’s not a slam—I’m impressed. If I had their talent I might do the same thing (oh, who am I kidding).

Once I had my fill of complicated and intricate pumpkin carving voyeurism (did I mention the 7 hours of web surfing?), I moved on to the Easy Options Category.

I found the traditional jack-o-lanterns, less traditional jack-o-sparrows, happy faces, sad faces, scary faces (extra points for the one where the carver used toothpicks as jagged teeth), political figures (very unrealistic since they are silent), a minion (yes, might be my personal fave), college logos, college mascots (not sure they fall in the easy category), abstract designs (just punch a bunch of holes), and billions and billions more.

It is not easy to live up to internet expectations of pumpkin carving. Even squirrels are in the pumpkin carving game.

Fortunately, I don’t give a fig about the internet’s expectations of my pumpkin carving abilities.

Because there is no way I can compete with a squirrel.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time there was the Kalahari desert. This is important because without the Kalahari they couldn’t have made the movie The Gods Must Be Crazy. And that would be sad.

About 5,000 years ago there was nothing in the Kalahari except sand and one coke bottle (see The Gods Must Be Crazy). Then there was a watermelon. And the people liked the watermelon so much that many, many more watermelon followed.

The Egyptians thought watermelon were so dandy-wonderful that they drew pictures of them on walls (the term hieroglyphics is from the root “hi” as in near the top of the wall, “rog” as in rogue graffiti artists, and “lyphs” as in I hope I don’t get caught drawing on the walls). The Egyptians didn’t have good graffiti removal techniques which is why hieroglyphics still exist.

The Egyptians also put watermelons in the tombs with dead kings because one never knows when royalty will get a hankering for watermelon.

Fast forward to the 10^th century when watermelon (and possibly watermelon shooters) had made their way to China. It took that long because travel was slow in those days and watermelon are not known for having large stockpiles of cash with which to travel. China is currently the number one producer of watermelons on the planet.

Dad’s garden is currently last on the list of watermelon producers having yielded (so far this year) exactly one (slightly under-ripe) fruit.

The US is fifth in watermelon production but according to Guinness (the records people not the beer people) the world’s heaviest watermelon was grown in Arkansas in 2005. It weighed 268.8 pounds (most of which was water weight).

Early explorers used watermelons as canteens. This is the first recorded instance of yuppy flavored water and the forerunner of Mio!.

There are over 200 kinds of watermelon grown in the US and Mexico. The most popular are the ones somebody else carries.

There are many recipes for Interesting Things to Do With Watermelon. I am not reproducing any of them here, since (a) my favorite is watermelon, cut with knife, served with a napkin and (b) My Friend the Internet has already documented every possible watermelon recipe imaginable.

Watermelon makes me think of summer and grilling out and summer and seed fights and summer and early fall.

What’s your favorite way to eat watermelon?

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

My friend Roy recently posted a Thought on facebook. As he doesn’t often do that, we were all suitably impressed and Took Note.

“We should all pay less attention to nincompoopery.”

This small and simple statement of brilliance caused me to immediately go to My Friend The Internet to see the origins of the word nincompoopery.

And My Friend The Internet let me down.

Fortunately, I’m not one for being let down, so I let myself right back up and am delighted to bring you the etymology of the word nincompoopery (which is a really fun word to say).

Nincompoop comes from the 4^th Phase of Martian. “Nin” as in “none”, “com” as in “compos” or “brain”, and “poop” as in “who left this mess here?”. All together it means “what a twit!” and (in 4^th Phase Martian) is usually followed by “I’m not cleaning this up” and “Nose goes.”

Nose Goes dates back to at least the movie Meatballs in 1979.

Special Nose Goes rules you may not know about. The driver of a vehicle is always exempt (assuming the vehicle in question is being driven) and Moms are always exempt when they choose to be.

A nincompoopery is a place where nincompoops are made. Just as a bakery is where bakes are made, a jewelry is where jewels are made, and a distillery is where I had breakfast (I joke).

Remind me to get more sleep (or to take Roy less seriously).

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You have heard me talk extensively about my friend, the internet. While the two of you have met on your own turf (and by “turf” I mean laptop), I thought you might like to know why the internet and I are such good friends.

1 We’re both camera shy. (Have you ever seen a photo of the internet? Of course not.)

2 The internet always supports any and all opinions I have. Which is good because not everyone is as generous.

3 The internet and I are both full of useless (but sometimes interesting and hilarious) bits of information.

4 The internet is there for me 24/7 as a truly good friend should be. The internet is always willing to stay up as late as I am.

5 We’re both able to multi-task. Of course, my pal multi-tasks a wee bit better than I do, but the cool part is I (almost) never feel neglected.

6 The internet is patient. While I sit and contemplate, cogitate, and otherwise consider what I want to know, the internet waits. (This is an excellent balance in our friendship since I am not always the worlds most patient puppy. Watching the browser beachball spin makes me crazy. But that is a browser issue, not an internet issue.)

7 The internet doesn’t argue with people. (People argue with people. But I can frequently ignore them when they do.)

8 The internet doesn’t need to be fed and never gives me grief about my food choices.

9 The internet never fusses about the temperature in the house.

10 The internet never complains if I wander off on a tangent while looking up…oh, look! an interesting story about blogging that’s right…wait! a cat video!!!

On the other hand, the internet has never bought me a drink, provided a shoulder to cry on, or offered words of encouragement (unless I specifically looked up “words of encouragement).

I love my friend the internet, but it will never replace my real life people friends.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

A good while back, I wrote an article for e-zine called Ten Rules for Teens. This is my adaptation to Ten Rules for College Kids.

Rule 1. Life is too short to hang out with people you don’t like. College is a time for meeting new people and finding new friends. No need to be rude, but no need to continue a “friendship” that isn’t working for you any more. Get involved and find activities and people you enjoy.

Rule 2. There is always a nice way to do something hard. That doesn’t mean it will be easy for anyone involved, but you can look back and feel good about how you handled the situation.

Rule 3. If it is to be done, best done soon. Shakespeare said it better, but the point is, if you are going to break up with him/her, do it sooner rather than waiting. (This is not a bad rule for writing papers, doing research, and drafting blogs. Get moving. Don’t wait to start.)

Rule 4. Take care of yourself. You are the only you we have and we think you are very special. Don’t smoke, don’t ride in a car without a seatbelt, don’t drink and drive and don’t drive with anyone who’s been drinking, don’t assume you are invincible or invisible. Eat well, drink lots of water (I may have mentioned that), and get a reasonable night’s sleep.

Rule 5. Nothing you put on the internet is ever truly gone. Facebook is part of the internet. So is Twitter, texting, and YouTube. Even with sites that promise that their content disappears (Snapchat, OKHello, etc.) you cannot be sure it’s really gone. If you don’t want your grandmother, your future employer, your future spouse, and three Supreme Court Justices to see it, don’t put it in cyberspace.

Rule 6. Nothing electronic IS your life. This includes tv, social media, email, cell phones, iPod, and gaming systems. Being deprived of any of these for any length of time will not stop major bodily functions or kill your social life. There are scientific tests proving this. Put the electronics away when you are in class (duh) and when you’re studying. You really can’t multitask and do well at both things. There really are scientific tests proving this.

Rule 7. Be nice to your mother every now and then even if she doesn’t deserve it. Send a text, drop a tweet, post a facebook message. Go crazy and dial the phone.

Rule 8. This too shall pass. Take a deep breath. If possible, take a nap.

Rule 9. Commercials, print ads, and videos are not reality. No one in real life spends nine hours in hair and makeup or has the advantage of a full time airbrush. Strive to be the best you can be, but don’t aim for something unrealistic. What’s inside you is much more important than your haircut or your clothing. Sooner or later your peers will figure this out too.

Rule 10. You are the perfect you. And I love you.

Love, Mom

If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly.

–Macbeth

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