Dear Kid,

I’m so proud to be from Cincinnati. And a Cincinnati Bengals fan.

Sigh.

I’m still a fan of the Bengals. But the whole professional behavior thing has to be addressed.

Clearly, the Bengals aren’t the only team demonstrating unacceptable behavior recently. I understand when celebrities and pro athletes say they should be left alone. They just want to do their jobs (act, sing, score touchdowns) without being judged on their off-field/off-screen behavior. Except, um, no. You’re in a profession which puts you in the spotlight, you are a role model whether you originally intended to be or not, and ergo paparazzi. Behave yourself, be boringly normal, and people will leave you alone.

As I said, I understand (even if I don’t agree with) the desire to be left alone outside the work environment.

Recent, er, displays, however, have been on-field. During important games.

Something must be done.

I have put a great deal of thought into the whole professional athlete debacle and I am delighted to announce that I have figured out how to solve the problem.

Pro sports teams need moms.

I am not joking.

When your mom is watching you, you behave better. Assuming you have a good mom who is involved in your life, anyway. And if the team doesn’t have the right mom, I’ve decided the league should provide them.

Consider the Campbell’s Soup commercials with that the football player (I’m sure you know who I’m talking about) and his mom. He loves Mom, he respects Mom, and he has never been involved with the kind of nonsense we’re seeing both on and off the field from other players.

Point proven.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s all in how you react. Some people scream and yell and carry on and others take life in stride. All you have to do is look at a kids’ soccer game to see examples of both. Which are you most impressed by?

I recently had the great pleasure of being stuck in the Las Vegas airport. (For what happened after the airport, click here.) Here was my view when I was standing up in the line.

This was my view most of the time. The line was moving at a mere 3 feet per year and there was no real seating, so my coffee and I sat on the floor. Lovely carpet, no?

Of course we went through the 7 Stages of Travel Changes:

1. Dismay. WTF! How could they do this to me??
2. Electronic. Let’s see if we can get rebooked online.
3. Telephonic. Let’s try to reach a live person.
4. Line waiting. And more line waiting.
5. Utter defeat.
6. Gratitude. Sincere gratitude that we were dressed for travel and not wearing crazy heels.
7. Indignance. I can’t get out of here until WHEN???

Rinse and repeat.

For the most part, our fellow travelers were reasonably calm as we were herded through the non-moving line. Which was good, because there really weren’t any alternatives.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

There are some things in life I understand.

I understand that when you spill coffee on your favorite shirt it is likely to cause a permanent stain. I understand that weekends are often too short and that the Bengals are unlikely to make it to the Super Bowl. I understand that elves are not going to show up to clean our kitchen.

Doesn’t mean I have to like those things, but I understand them.

And then there are things in the world that I simply do not understand.

I don’t understand people who abuse children. I don’t understand people who chop off journalists heads. I don’t understand people who take hostages in the Lindt Chocolat Cafe. I don’t understand people who kill other people because of the color of their skin. I don’t understand people who do crazy violent things in the name of religion (any religion).

On some level I know I’m not supposed to understand these people because they are psychopaths or psycho-bigots or psycho-somethings. Intellectually, I know they’ve been taught to hate and they’ve been taught that Violence Solves All.

Intellectually knowing doesn’t make it easier to understand. And there have been far, far too many scary-violent-unbalanced-disturbed-crazy things happening in our world.

Do I have a solution? Well, no. Perhaps just that we should all try a little harder.

And keep the crazy fighting where it belongs—in congress.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Last week I attended a luncheon at the YWCA of Cincinnati. The lunch itself was lovely (including one of the best cookies I have ever had). The topic was highly un-lovely but exceedingly important. So important that I am taking a moment to be serious and tell you about it. The topic was Domestic Violence. #YWeEndViolence

Scary Fact #1: 1 in 4 women are victims of domestic violence at some point in their lives.

One of the speakers at the lunch told us this. Then she said “Look around. Many of you in this room have directly encountered domestic violence.” Wow.

Truth: A home should be a safe haven. No one should ever have to worry about their safety or the safety of their mother or child in their own home.

Scary Fact #2: In most cases, abusers make a choice to use violence.

The notion that most abusers “can’t help themselves” or “are driven to violence” is a bunch of hogwash. These men (most, but not all, abusers are men) are making a decision to use violence or emotional exploitation.

Truth: No one deserves to be abused NO MATTER WHAT.

Scary Fact #3: Chronic stress damages the brain and our youngest children are the most vulnerable. If no one is available (or able) to soothe, settle, and make the child feel safe, toxic stress builds up. Toxic stress causes children to lose more IQ points than lead exposure does.

Most children can recover from living with domestic violence. One of the most important factors is having a strong relationship with the non-violent parent.

Scary Fact #4: Little boys are more vulnerable than girls. They are more likely to be hurt, more likely to become violent, and more likely to be written off by family members including the non-violent parent (“Oh, he’s just like his dad”).

When the parent “writes off” the child, the nurturing environment is taken away and the boy is more likely to become a batter as he grows up.

The court system awards custody to the violent parent more often than to the survivor—even when the survivor is recovering and likely to be able to provide a safe, nurturing environment for the child.

Scary Fact #5: One out of three (that’s 1 out of 3) teens experiences dating violence. Often this is our younger (12-14 year old) kids.

As a mother, I find this absolutely terrifying.

Scary Fact #6: In homes where children and a spouse are abused, the majority of pets are abused.

Often children are willing to tell a non-family member what’s happening with their pet far earlier than they will admit what’s happening to them or their mother. Women frequently won’t leave an abusive situation because they are afraid of what will happen to their pet.

Scary Fact #7: Children frequently blame themselves for not being able to make the situation better.

No one should ever have to feel they are the cause of domestic violence. No one should ever, ever be told “if only…”.

What Can You Do?

What You Can Do #1: Donate your used cell phone to Verizon’s Hopeline. They’ll refurbish the phone and donate to people in need.

What You Can Do #2: Listen. If someone needs to talk, be there to listen and support her.

What You Can Do #3: Always, always respect her decision. There are many reasons a woman may choose to stay in an abusive relationship. There are reasons a woman may choose to stay in a relationship where her children are seeing the abuse. You cannot know the situation as well as she does.

What You Can Do #4: Learn some of the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships.

What You Can Do #5: Find out about resources in your area. In Cincinnati, the YWCA provides all kinds of services including several shelters where women and their children can go with just the clothes on their back and be in a safe, supportive environment.

I hope that you never meet anyone who has lived with or who is living with domestic violence or emotional abuse. But the numbers suggest otherwise. So I hope that you will be the solid rock someone needs to take back control of her life.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

“Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.” For example, I happen to think that Booker is adorable but not everyone might agree with me. Wait…everyone thinks Booker is adorable. Bad example.

How about this? I love the color purple. There are probably some poor, misguided people in the world who don’t adore purple. All we can do is feel sorry for them, repeat that Beauty is the Eye of the Beholder, and hope that they go to the eye doctor soon to get their Beauty Appreciation Levels checked.

(Isn’t it uncomfortable to have Beauty in your eye when you’re wearing contacts? Never mind. Moving on.)

The point is that intelligent people can have different views about what is or is not attractive. The great news is you don’t have to look through their eyes (also, presumably uncomfortable). And while intelligent people can disagree, most people agree that these Five Things Can Make Even a Stunner Seem Pretty Unattractive.

Smoking. Back in the seriously olden days, cigarette ads (see? Olden days when there were such things as cigarette ads) portrayed smoking as cool. Movies still sometimes do (but then again, movies also show scary creatures with too many teeth eating the universe, so not sure the cinema is a good source of reality). There is very little that is even mildly attractive about someone huffing and puffing and squinting when the smoke gets in their eyes and having nicotine stains and smelling like stale smoke and turning their lungs black. Ew.

Bad manners. I’m not talking about forgetting to hold the door open occasionally or forgetting to text your grandmother thank you for the latest care package. (HINT!) I’m talking about chewing with your mouth open or stuffing an entire piece of pizza into your face at once. Or—never mind. I can’t even bring myself to illustrate the myriad of ways people can be disgusting and make you say to yourself, “never mind, I’ll pass.”

Potty mouth. Even the best of us are likely to say something like “Son of a SQUID” when we hammer our thumb instead of a nail or “daaaaaaammmmn” when the Bengals throw a last minute TD to tie the score and send the game into overtime (and then go on to lose which really, do people NOT get the point that you should trust the kicker?). But when every other word is the something that would raise an eyebrow among hardened sailors, it’s just not reasonable anymore. Swearing can get in the way of anything resembling a conversation. Who needs it?

Inappropriate behavior. Again, not talking about the little things like bumping into someone taking their first sip of coffee at Starbucks. I’m not even talking about the big things like accidentally throwing a bottle in the garbage rather than into the recycling bin. I’m talking about the really bad stuff like inappropriate touching or talking to someone in a way that just makes them feel uncomfortable. No one in the world has ever said, “Oh, look at that stud. He’s making someone feel bad. I so hope he’ll ask me out.”

Inappropriate clothing. I get that there are different standard of dress for going to an 8am college class than for having tea with the Queen. But there are standards nonetheless. Clothing is meant to enhance a person’s appearance (and protect them from frostbite while not getting in the way while they flee from a pursuing wooly mammoth). When someone wears clothes 2 sizes too small (extra points if you get the reference) and people stare in horror and whisper, “how is it possible she looked in the mirror this morning and thought “dang, I look good!”?” the standard has been missed. Or when someone is wearing a muscle T-Shirt (without the muscles) and you think to yourself “TMI—I did NOT need to know the shape of the mole on his back,” they have missed the standard. Very few people will be saying, “Gotta get me some of that!”

Not all of us are ANTM (America’s Next Top Model) candidates. Most of us will not stop traffic with our stunning good looks (except maybe in Rome where traffic is a perpetual mess). Very few of us will be remembered centuries from now with a sigh and “ahhhhh, what a beauty.” On the other hand, none of us need to be the poster child for What Not to Do.

Hope your cold is getting better, kiddo.

Love, Mom

The Grinch was born with a heart two sizes too small.