Posts Tagged "humor"

Puppy Conversations | Finding the Chipmunk. Or Moose.

Dear Kid,

Bob the Chipmunk (I named him) has been hibernating in our garage. Turns out our garage is an excellent place for hibernating (warm-ish, dry-ish, mostly predator-free, and you don’t have to build it yourself) until the Puppy gets a snout-full of your scent.

Bob is a dumb name for a moose. happened this morning.

Me: Are you ready to go for a walk?
Puppy: Of course! I love walks!
Me: Okey dokey.
Puppy: Here we—wait! I smell a moose!
Bob the Chipmunk: Wheek! (I don’t speak chipmunk very well.)
Me: We don’t have any moose here.
Puppy: I want to be friends with the moose!
Me: I’m sure all the moose in our garage want to be friends with you too. The chipmunk, not so much.
Bob: Wheek!
Me: Where are you going?
Puppy: Got to find the moose!
Me: I’m pretty sure there are no moose under the car.
Puppy: There might be! If I sniff hard enough.
Me: I don’t think you know what a moose smells like.
Puppy: My nose knows. Don’t argue with the nose.
Bob: Wheek! (Bob is apparently not much of a conversationalist.)
Puppy: Checking under the other car!
Me: Let me guess, still no Bob?
Puppy: Bob? You named him Bob?
Me: Move it, Furry One.
Puppy: Hunting! Very. Important. Hunting.
Me: Puppy! Time to go for a walk!
Puppy: Huh?
Me: Now.
Puppy: Oh. OK! I love walks.
Bob: Wheek!

Love, Mom

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A Flock of Holidays (You Did Not Know This)

Dear Kid,

Today is a day full of sunshine and holidays. Hopefully, you have sunshine outside, but you should definitely turn on your inner sunshine.

Today is International Moment of Laughter Day. Funny, huh? So take a moment and giggle. Here, I’ll help.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away. Hee hee.

It’s also Look Up At The Sky Day. I don’t know why. I’m pretty sure the sky is going to stay there. Odin, Zeus, and all the other characters need a place to keep their homes. But maybe you’ll see a bird, or a plane, or even Superman if you get lucky.

But wait, there’s more! It’s Reach As High As You Can Day. Since you’re looking at the sky, you might as well reach for it. It’s not clear to me if Reach As High As You Can Day is a stretching celebration (“Reach up to sky, reach down to the ground. Shake your body all around.” Do you remember that song from when you were little?) or if it’s aspirational in nature. Not sure it matters, because both are good.

And finally, it may or may not be Pecan Day. There is a Pecan Day in March (not today) and a Pecan Day in April (today). I leave it to you to decide which to celebrate. Or be a little nutty and celebrate both.

Love, Mom

And a little more humor…

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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John Stewart and the Unmitigated Catastrophe

Dear Kid,

Are you aware that we are in the midst of a catastrophe of epic proportions? Something so momentous it is almost as important as the great chocolate shortage?

He Did WHAT??

John Stewart announced he is leaving the Daily Show.

It is possible the earth will continue on its axis. It’s also possible that you’ll do all your laundry before coming home for spring break or that I’ll go twelve months without buying a new pair of shoes, but it seems unlikely.

Personally, I’m taking to bed with a hot water bottle to wait until the dizziness passes. Or until they announce a suitable replacement. Or until I have to leave for work.

Love, Mom

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Why Your Workouts Are Different than Mine | College Kid vs Mom

College kid workout is different than mom's--Why my workout is different than yoursDear Kid, 

As you know, I am fascinated by all things scientific especially if there are limited facts involved. Listening to you talk about your workouts for crew led me to extreme research on why things happen differently when I go to the gym and when you go to the gym. I am now ready to report my findings.


The Difference Between a Studly College Dude (you) and Mom (me) When Working Out. By Me.

You get ready to work out. Your brain snaps to attention, ready to go.

I get ready to work out. My brain just snaps.

You arrive at the gym, dressed and ready, and go straight to the machines.

I arrive at the gym, head to the locker room, pause to check voicemail, email (both accounts), and texts (nothing new in any of them). Change into workout clothes, check technology again (nada). Brush hair, consider whether to take a book or headphones with me, check technology, reply to one email, and finally head to the machines.

You get on the rower. Immediately, calories start running around your body, building muscle and throwing excess fat overboard in the most efficient way possible.

I get on the elliptical. Immediately, calories start dialing itty bitty cell phones reminding each other not to move and telling fat cells they are welcome to stay as long as they like and no one is being forced to become (ick) muscle if they don’t want to.

Five minutes into the workout you have burned 4,827 calories.

Five minutes into the workout I have burned 3 calories.

Twenty minutes into your workout you look like a sweating cross-fit champion.

Twenty minutes into my workout two trainers are discussing whether to call the paramedics.

End of the work out: you feel tired but great.

End of my workout: I’m wondering if I should accept the trainers’ offer to assist me back to the locker room.

For your next meal, you consume two pizzas, a portion of chicken lo mein, a side of broccoli, and a piece of apple pie.

For my next meal, I nibble three lettuce leaves and drink a glass of water.

Results for you: muscle growth and development and you’re back working out the next day.

Results for me: weight gain of 6 pounds and I won’t be able to move on my own for a week.

Enjoy your youth, kid.

Happy September

Love, Mom

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