Dear Kid,

The completion of Pi’s summer homework last night went something like this.

Pi: What was the name of that singer?
Me: What singer?
Puppy: I know!
Pi: The French one
Puppy: I know! I know!
Me: What French one?
Pi: And she died
Me: Recently?
Pi: No
Puppy: I know! I know! I know!
Me: You do not know
Puppy: Of course not, I’m a dog
Pi: And she sang
Me: Singers tend to do that
Pi: What was her name?!
Me: No clue
Puppy: Can I have a treat?
Pi and Me (simultaneously): No
Puppy: (sigh)
Me: What kind of music?
Pi: Opera. What was her Name???? I really want to write about her
Me: Why don’t you Google it?
Pi: Google what? I don’t know her NAME!
Puppy: I want a google
Me: French opera singer
Pi: That’s ridiculous. See? How could—hey! Edith Piaf! I knew that!
Puppy: I knew that too. But no one asked me
Me: Of course you did. You’re brilliant
Puppy: Now can I have a treat?
Pi and Me (simultaneously): No
Puppy: Can I have a google?
Me: You may have a tummy rub
Pi: What?
Me: Not you
Puppy: Yay!

Happy First Day of School, Pi!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you been following the news about Segway? Not to worry if you’ve missed the latest—it probably won’t be on an exam any time soon.

Segways have been around for a while, but—even though they are about 16 kinds of fun—they haven’t really taken off as a major transportation method in most areas. With the exception of Mall Cops and that’s probably not the gold standard by which one measures success. Segway tours  are mucho fun but they aren’t changing the Way America Commutes to Work either.

Fortunately for the Segway business, a new game has been invented—Segway Polo. Which is pretty much as expensive and rough as the original but requires far less upkeep in terms of cleaning up after the steed. (In case you were wondering, you can’t take polo ponies on airplanes (they don’t fit in the overhead compartment above) and you can’t take Segways on airplanes (lithium batteries are a no-no).)

The biiiiig Segway polo tourney is called The Woz. Extra points if you can figure out who it’s named after. So there is no danger of Segways segueing out of existence any time soon.

In other news, it’s a Sunday afternoon which means Pi is doing homework, Booker is shedding, and Dad is very busy coaching football (and by “coaching” I mean screaming at the professional athletes on TV). Despite only getting 3 first downs in the first half (yep, first HALF) of the game, the Bengals are up 31 to 13 (a very palindromic score, don’t you think?). Hopefully, it will not be quite as exciting as last week’s game!

Love you much, kiddo,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s nearing the end of the first quarter and the Bengals are not exactly winning. By which I mean they are down 10:0 to the Ravens of Baltimore. We’re watching with the sound off because Pi is doing homework in the kitchen. By “doing homework” I mean she is narrating the process of reading and taking notes from her AP Euro book.

It sounds something like this: This is so stupid (Pi, don’t say stupid) Well it is. Who cares about this? No one cares about this! Seriously, even the people  then didn’t care about this…wait, this is hilarious—I have to read it to you “the pastures were open to the pigs of the community.” Isn’t that funny? I think that is really funny. Is it just me or is that really funny? (Pretty much just you, kiddo.) Seriously? I think that line is really funny. All pigs, come on down!….this is so stupid (Pi!) well it is.

Second quarter. Still 10:0. Bengals have the ball. But not for long. And a missed FG. Says Pi, “It’s ok. The best of us miss field goals.” (Go back to work, Pi.) I am! I’m just zoomin’ along here. Just a half page to go. (More work, Pi, less talk.) OK, Ok, ok.

Yesterday, my friend Sue and I drove up to Traders World (the big flea market on 75 north of the outlet mall) to wander around, shake our heads in amazement at some of the things people will buy, and then buy things that obviously were the Right Things to buy. We agreed that it is not someplace we will feel the need to go on a regular basis, but once every several years is fun.

Still second quarter. Still 10:0. But the Bengals just intercepted the ball, so yay Bengals. And we dropped it. And recovered. But not for long.

This is so stupid. (Pi, I don’t know if you mean the football game or your homework, but get back to work please.) Yeah, yeah.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

High schools, colleges, and countless friends do their best to prepare you for college. As your parents, we’ve spent the last 18 years trying to teach you the things you’ll need for a success life (and the last three months collecting things you’ll need for a successful first semester–still CANNOT believe how much all of that cost).

But, my darling, there are things we left out. Or may have glossed over. Or may have said several thousand times but are worried you didn’t hear.

So just in case you missed these…

1. The point of college is to learn something. Shocking, I know. Please try to find some time to get your homework done.

2. Not all learning takes place in the classroom. You never know where or from whom you will learn something interesting, relevant, or mildly amusing. A Great Sage once told me that nothing you learn is ever wasted. It may not be obvious how you’ll use what you’ve learned, but learning just for the sake of learning is a good thing.

3. Girls tend to prefer boys who do not smell like the bottom the sewer. Doing laundry every now and then is an excellent idea.

4. Kindness is never wasted. Be nice to someone today. Smile. You never know how much someone else needs that smile.

5. The other point of college is to make good friends. If you’re not comfortable telling your mother about your friends, they probably aren’t the people you’re supposed to be friends with.

6. Worrying is only useful up to a point. Think about this time last year: what were you worrying about then? (Besides football.) See what I mean?

7. Proofread. I just read a blurb (an entire three sentences) written by and about someone who describes herself as a tech-savvy writer and was trying to get companies to hire her. Yet there was great big honking grammatical error in the blurb. Yark! Did not inspire me to recommend her. (NOTE: the exception to looking down upon typos and mistooks is when your mother oops-es in this blog.)

8. Be polite. It’s free. But it generates a huge payback. It might even make you feel good.

9. Trust your instincts. You are a good kid. You make good decisions. Trust yourself.

10. We are still (and always) here for you. Seriously. Just because you are Acquiring Higher Education does not mean we stop being your parents. We’re here to help with anything we can. Except finding research sources at 2am–for that, you’re on your own.

Love, Mom