Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there was no such things as popcorn. Then movies were invented and popcorn took over cinemas (cinemi?) in the blink of a kernel.

Popcorn pops because each kernel contains a teeny tiny drop of water put there by the popcorn fairies just before the corn is picked.

As the kernel heats up (either in my 1980s hot air popper or your popping conveyance of choice), the water begins to expand (that part is true. So is the part about me still using my 1980s hot air popper). When it hits 212 degrees, the water turns to steam which changes the starch inside the kernel into (and I’m quoting here) “a superhot gelatinous goop.” Oh, yum.

The kernel continues to heat up. When it reaches 347 degrees, the pressure is 135 pounds per square inch and the hull BURSTS open. I do not know why 134 pounds per square inch is insufficient pressure, but apparently thems the facts.

In the mini-popcorn explosion, the steam is released, the soft starchy goop inflates, spills out, and cools immediately (and if you’ve ever touched a piece of popcorn right after it’s popped, you know that “cools immediately” is a relative term).

Archeologists (people who put the past in front of them) have found popcorn kernels (probably the unpopped kind) in caves in New Mexico that are more than 4,000 years old. Both the popcorn and the caves, but not the archeologists. This important discovery suggests that movies have been around much longer than previously thought.

It is a little known fact that legislation passed by the popcorn fairy lobby requires a certain percentage of unpoppable corn in each batch. Some people call these unpopped kernels “old maids.” Other people are smart enough to keep their mouths shut. Popcorn fairies think it is hilarious to watch people bite down on hard kernels in the middle of movies. No one knows why but smart people don’t mess with anyone blessed with wings and magic.

I think I’ll go make use of my 1980s hot air popcorn popper now.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Since college football players appear to have (temporarily at least) won the right to unionize, it seems like a good idea to learn a little bit more about unions.

Being the kind of mother that I am, I hereby offer you my great wisdom and insight on unions and their history.

If we go back to Neanderthal days, working conditions were pretty lousy for everyone. The weather was lousy, the tools were lousy, and the grocery caves were always out of stock. However, everyone worked for himself (or his family) and that is where entrepreneurship and the mafia began.

Fast forward a while and (unless you were top of the food chain, royalty wise) working conditions were still pretty nasty. Overlords and other people with power spent their time making sure those Not With Power worked much harder and longer than was reasonable. One day, Joe the Slave complained to his wife about the working conditions at the pyramid sites. Mrs. Joe the Slave was tired and not in the mood to listen and told Joe to unionize or shut up. The next day, Joe took a look around the site, saw the whips and other implements of torture and cleverly shut up. Which is why Mrs. Joe the Slave is not the father of unionization but did get some peace and quiet in her hut.

Boring stuff, boring stuff…ah, here we are.

Fast forward some more to more modern, industrial age, awful working conditions.

One day, Joe the Machine Shop Worker was complaining to his wife about the working conditions of the machine shop. Since Mrs. Joe the Machine Shop Worker worked in a sweat shop and did all the household chores (that’s how things were done in Those Days), she was not in the mood to listen. “Joe,” said Mrs. Joe. “Lemme tell you what to do.” And she told him all about unionizing even though no one had ever heard of it before. Then she told him to invite his friends over so he could tell them, and she didn’t say one word other than “Would like some more tea?” during the meeting because that’s how things were done in Those Days. (Including that people pretended that what they were drinking was tea.)

So Joe and his friends made Demands of the machine shop owners and got beaten up for their troubles and Mrs. Joe had to take care of everything. Which was often the way it was done in Those Days.

But Joe and his buddies had made a point (as did several other people) and eventually the National Labor Union was founded in 1866. It did reasonably well, but when Samuel Gompers came along and founded the AFL things really got going. All the Joes and Mrs. Joes signed up and went on strike and turned American business upside right. (I just made that up, but it seems fitting.) The unions were able to get workers decent wages, decent hours, and decent working conditions.

There is no question (imho) that unions were an important and necessary thing when they first emerged into the fabric of American life. There are more questions about the role of unions these days. (Do they make it impossible to fire people who are not doing their job well? Have they driven up payrolls to the point where American companies can’t be competitive in the world market? Is too much time, money, and effort spent on making union bosses happy rather than on the work of the union? Etc.)

Much as I adore questions like that I have no interest in answering them (at least today) so you’ll have to develop your own POV (point of view) if you want one.

As to my POV about college football players unionizing? Personally, I’m not convinced it’s a good idea. But I’m pretty sure they had to do something to get the colleges and NCAA to make real and responsible change to the way college players are treated. Stay tuned. I have great faith that there will be more (much more) to the story.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Happy Monday! Hope you had a good weekend.

We had a low-key and soggy weekend. Whatever you’ve heard about the terrible storms/tornados/monsoons in Indiana is true but in our particular corner of the world it just rained and blew. There are branches down (but mostly the branches that were going to come down sometime this winter anyway). There was even a nice break in the torrential downpour to let Booker walk the privies in not too much rain (extra points if you get the reference).  Sending our thoughts and prayers to those who were hit hard by the storms.

November 18^th was quite a day in history. Here are the highlights:

In 1307, William Tell shot an apple off his son’s head. There was no television coverage so we can’t be sure it happened. There is an overture but it wasn’t written in time for the event itself so the sound track was probably little Will mumbling about putting his crazy father in a home and locking up the bows and arrows.

The first English book, “Dictes & Sayengis of the Phylosophers”, was printed in 1477. It wasn’t until centuries later that printers were discouraged from inventive spelling.

In 1718, Voltaire’s “Oedipe” premiered in Paris. At least one critic wanted to put his own eyes out. Also in Paris (albeit several years later), the Louvre officially opened.

In 1820, US Navy Captain Nathaniel B Palmer discovered Antarctica. This was excellent news for penguins who then got their day in the sun (ok, they’d been in the sun) who then got their day in the limelight (remind me to look up the origin of the word ‘limelight’) but terrible news for Mrs. Captain Nathaniel B Palmer who had asked her hubby to run down to the corner store for a quart of milk.

November 18^th was an excellent day for theater. Major Barbara, Skin of Our Teeth, and Fiddler on the Roof all premiered. If I were a Rich Mom I would take you to see them all. In 1928, Walt Disney’s Mickey Mouse appeared in NY in “Steamboat Willie” which is important because Steamboat Willie would eventually become an answer to a Jeopardy! question.

In 1963 (an excellent year), Bell Telephone introduced push button telephones (you know, the thing you can use to call your mother–hint, hint). One year later (not using the telephone), J. Edgar Hoover described Martin Luther King as a “most notorious liar” and the word “twit” was invented.

In 1902, Morris Michton of Brooklyn created a stuffed bear and named it after Teddy Roosevelt.

And then, O Best Beloved, we have the Most Important, Auspicious, Monumental, and Meaningful event to have happened in all of history on November 18^th: In 1894, the NY World published the first newspaper Sunday color comics section. (I have to sit quietly for a moment and give thanks.)

Have a colorful day, sweetie,

Love, Mom

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~~~

Kansas City from Oklahoma! (excerpted)

Ev’rythin’s like a dream in Kansas City,
It’s better than a magic lantern show!
Y’ c’n turn the radiator on
Whenever you want some heat.
With ev’ry kind o’ comfort
Ev’ry house is all complete.
You c’n walk to privies in the rain
And never wet your feet!
They’ve gone about as fur as they c’n go….

Dear Kid,

T’was the night before Halloween and all through the land, not a spider was stirring…

Nope, doesn’t work.

Happy Erev Halloween.

Nope, still doesn’t work.

Happy Day before the Day of the Evening that is Halloween which is the night before All Saints Day and/or November 1^st depending on how you look at these things.

Sigh.

We’ve gotten so used to holidays (especially secular ones) being Day celebrations that it is odd having one that begins in the evening. Or possibly the week before depending on whether you celebrate the Eve Of the 31^st or the prior Saturday evening.

As awkwardly as the beginning of this conversation might be, today is quite an interesting day, historically speaking.

On October 30^th:

1468 – Charles the Stout occupies and plunders Luik. This is bad for the people of Luik, but Charles thinks it is fitting retribution for being called the Stout on the playground.

1485 – Henry VII of England crowned at Westminster Abbey, London. This is important because Pi just learned it in school. Therefore, it must be Very Meaningful.

1629 – King Charles I gives the Bahamas to Sir Robert Heath. How do you gift wrap that? Individually or as a group? I mean, there are over 700 islands there. The history site I used to learn about Sir Robert made no mention of a national scandal for such a gift, but I’m betting there was a big cover up. And after the way Columbus treated the Bahamas, you’d think someone would know better.

1866 – Jesse James gang robs a bank in Lexington, Missouri. They get away with $2000 and while $2 grand was nothing to sneeze at in 1866 it did not make him rich enough to retire from his Life of Crime. Personally, I’m wondering where he kept his cash since I would think banks would be out of the question.

1873 – P. T. Barnum’s circus, “Greatest Show on Earth,” debuts in NYC. Does anything more need to be said? I think not.

1888 – John J. Loud patents ballpoint pen. Twenty minutes later, pocket protectors are invented.

1938 – Orson Welles causes a nationwide panic with his broadcast of “War of the Worlds”—a realistic radio dramatization of a Martian invasion of earth. Not having been born at the time, I did not panic.

1944 – Aaron Copland’s Appalachian Spring premieres at the Library of Congress. This makes your father very happy. Or it will have once he’s born.

1952 – Clarence Birdseye sells 1^st frozen peas. I know peas are not your favorite thing in the world. But without peas we couldn’t say that things are like two peas in a pod. Nor could we say “Peas Please” which you used to think was very funny.

1963 – Sandy Koufax wins NL MVP award (this is not the most important thing that happens in 1963, but it does make many people happy). Extra points for knowing what the most important thing in 1963 was.

1974 – Muhammad Ali wins the Rumble in the Jungle. Fight promoters everywhere buy rhyming dictionaries.

1991 – The Perfect storm (the real one) hits the North Atlantic creating a path for public figures to overuse the term “perfect storm.”

2012 – Walt Disney purchases Lucasfilm Ltd and its rights for Star Wars and Indiana Jones for $4.05 billion. Jesse James really should have become a media mogul.

Of course, October 30 is traditional known as the Great What Am I Going To Be For Halloween Day when Children of All Ages (as P.T. would say) panic about Having The Right Costume for Trick or Treat. Like college work, having a great costume requires Working in Advance (see how I worked that in there?).

Hope you’re ready for the Great Pumpkin, kiddo,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time an amoeba was born. (Are amoebas born?) No one noticed because there were no people at the time. The universe waited.

Eventually, people were born. Generally individually. Their mothers usually noticed, but since the main family activity was Don’t Get Eaten, no one had time to celebrate the occasion on an annual basis. The universe sighed, and waited.

Finally, people figured out how to avoid getting eaten (at least most of the time) and they had time to invent birthdays and birthday cake. The universe smiled and waited for a slice. Preferably with extra icing. The universe is like that.

See why history is so important?

The Romans invented the birthday cake. Not to be outdone, the Greeks invented putting candles on the birthday cake, because everyone knows that melted wax is an excellent flavor enhancer. It’s also really fun to watch little kids try to blow out candles. The universe isn’t interested in waiting for people to think of wishes (they had all year to think about it) and just wants another small slice of cake please.

Call or text Grandma Lala–today is her birthday. The universe is pretty happy about that.

Love, Mom