Bond-James-Bond-in-tuxdeoDear Kid,

Once upon a time, people wore the skins of whatever they had recently eaten for dinner. This made staying warm difficult for vegetarians and people in coastal societies who lived primarily on seafood.

Then someone discovered that penguins were toasty warm creatures even though they lived in ice and snow (and weren’t smart enough to build igloos)—and men’s fashion was born.

Not long after that, James Bond appeared in the movies and the idea of wearing leopard skin to a formal event was forever gone.

Really, I don’t know why people find history so difficult.


Renting a tuxedo is the easiest clothing experience I have ever participated in. But to appreciate this you first have to understand the joy and sanity of finding a women’s outfit for a formal occasion.

  1. Search through 16 magazines for inspiration.
  2. Discuss colors, styles, fit, formality, dress length, shoes, jewelry, hair, and many other details with friends, relatives, and the occasional complete stranger.
  3. Plan shopping expedition “A.”
  4. Visit store #1. Look at every dress in the store. Try on 80% of them. Reject all for various reasons.
  5. Visit store #2. Look at every dress in the store. Try on 87% of them. Seriously consider 3. Retry the three. Ponder. Consult. Weigh options. Decide to put one on hold.
  6. Rinse and repeat through several shopping trips and countless stores.
  7. Eventually decide on a dress. Move on to the process of locating shoes…

Get the point? And we haven’t even talked about accessories, hair, and makeup.

But the tux rental process?

  1. Walk in.
  2. Point to tux you want from the several on display.
  3. Get measured.
  4. Choose vest and tie.
  5. Slip on shoes to confirm size.
  6. Go have frozen yogurt.

See what I mean? If nothing before has convinced you, this ought to be proof positive that men and women are fundamentally different.

Have a wonderful time at prom tonight, sweetie.

Love, Mom