Dear Kid,

My friend the library let me down. In case you’re not sure, the library is kind of like the internet except you have to travel to get there. I grabbed a book at the library the other day called The Book of Olympic Lists which is totally misnamed. It should be called the Book of Summer Olympic Lists Completely Ignoring All Winter Sports.

So I have now turned to my friend the internet to help round out my research.

It is still true that sometimes over the years host countries have added interesting unusual weird sports to the Olympics (like Tug of War and Obstacle Swimming). I can now add Interesting and Unusual Winter Sports for your reading enjoyment. I am not making any of this up.

In 1932 (Lake Placid), one of the sports was a dog sled race. Actually, there were two races on the 25.1 mile course. Only Canada and the US participated since dogs from other parts of the world decided they’d rather curl up in front of a nice cozy fire. This was the first recorded time in Olympic history of athletes using less-than-private “facilities.” So Sochi is just revisiting communal potties.

Moving straight ahead, or at least straight down, the Albertville Olympics (1992) showcased speed skiing. The point of speed skiing is to hit the fastest speed you possibly can (think clocking a baseball pitch). Speed skiers regularly exceed 200 km/h (125 mph), which is even faster than a free-falling skydiver (about 190 km/h; 120 mph). The Frenchman who won in Albertville reached 229 k/hr. This is a very dangerous sport (people have died) and is not nearly as interesting to watch as it sounds like it should be, so we’ll keep it on the “nevermind” list.

The best named sport I could find is skijoring (which I will leave to others to pronounce correctly). Basically, skijoring combines skiing with dogsleding. The human wears skis and a harness to which a dog (or three) is/are attached. There are no reins so you have to hope your dog is very motivated to get moving and that you have trained your dog to respond to your voice commands even when that pup can’t see an immediate incentive to do so. Skijoring was in the Games in 1928 (St. Moritz) where the skiers were pulled by horses (which made it more like combining skiing with a Budweiser commercial). Also, they held the race on a frozen lake. Which is odd because frozen lakes are flat and part of the fun is going over bumps and jumps. Or so I’ve been led to understand.

The other oddly named sport is skeleton (which of course has nothing to do with Halloween or underfed athletes). Men’s skeleton first appeared in the Olympics in 1928 (still St. Moritz). Then everyone forgot about it until the Olympics went back there in 1948 and they tried it once again (once being the operative word). In 2002 (Salt Lake) men’s and women’s skeleton became part of the regular Olympic lineup. In my opinion, extra points should be given for really cool helmets.

Hoping your Olympic lineup includes studying of epic proportions.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

For the vast majority of the years we’ve lived in Cincinnati, Halloween was a lovely fall evening, chilly but not frigid (especially for children running from house to house), the neighborhood resplendent with decorations and sugar-hyped trick or treaters, residents sitting outside enjoying the evening and handing out candy.

Not so last night. We were rained upon (and by “we” I mean the entire tri-state area). We were poured upon. We were monsooned upon.

Some towns in the area postponed Trick or Treat, but ours kept on keeping on. Which was good because tonight is the last High School football game of the season and if Halloween had been postponed we would not have been able to participate.

There was a small parade of children coming to our door. The costumes were great: Soggy Ghost, Soggy Princess, Soggy Hobo, Soggy Cowboy. Booker must have felt badly for all of the kids because he hardly barked at all. Then again, the lack of barking may have had something to do with the game of Throw The Blue Stuffed Owl he and Dad played (which left Booker exhausted and the Stuffed Owl thoroughly gnawed).

The original plan had been for a gaggle of girls to come to our house for pizza and Trick or Treat. The gaggle turned out to be only a “ga” since several were unable to join us.  We still had pizza and Halloween chips (tortilla chips in orange and black). Then the girls braved the monsoon to find every piece of candy within a 14 mile radius. They got stopped by the police (really and truly) but only so the officer could give them candy. Once they got back we had to ring them out. Poor soggy, over-sugared girls.

Meanwhile, the Bengals were down in Miami where they played football in gorgeous weather. No monsoon at all. Here’s my theory: Halloween colors are Orange and Black. Bengals’ colors are Orange and Black. Halloween icon: scary cat. Bengals: scary cats. Winning was predestined. Unfortunately, the game turned out to be a little trickier than anticipated and the Bengals forgot to win. Darn Halloween.

Who Dey!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I know that Ohio University’s big Halloween celebration was last week. (I also know it was not really OU’s since it’s really sponsored by the city of Athens, Ohio.)

But there are some people in the world for whom Halloween is really October 31^st. Whether you are going trick or treating (I wonder if you can trick or treat for pizza and study time in the dorm?) or heading to a party or just feel like dressing up, costumes can be tons of fun (stop rolling your eyes).

Unfortunately, what with classes and work and exams and important cell phone time and playing Angry Birds, you may not have had time to think about a costume. No problem. I am here to help (because I am that kind of a mom).

7 Fabulous Ideas for Halloween Costumes at College

1. Put on a pair of sunglasses. Write “JUSTICE” on a piece of paper and tape it to your shirt. Go as Blind Justice.

2. Grab a piece of pizza. Go as a college student.

3. Carry a Starbucks cup. Go as a college student during exams.

4. Grab a friend. Show up together as party guests. Fashionably late party guests.

5. Get a box of cereal. Shove a knife through it. Go as a cereal killer. (Not the most original, but easy. And you get to carry your snack with you.)

6. Write “ceiling” on a piece of paper. Tape to your shirt. Repeat but tape to a ball cap. Practice saying, “Yay Ceiling!!! Go Team!” Go as a Ceiling Fan.

7. Make a sign “Due to the government shutdown, costumes will be delayed by 3 weeks.”

What’s the best costume idea you’ve seen this year? The easiest?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

T’was the night before Halloween and all through the land, not a spider was stirring…

Nope, doesn’t work.

Happy Erev Halloween.

Nope, still doesn’t work.

Happy Day before the Day of the Evening that is Halloween which is the night before All Saints Day and/or November 1^st depending on how you look at these things.

Sigh.

We’ve gotten so used to holidays (especially secular ones) being Day celebrations that it is odd having one that begins in the evening. Or possibly the week before depending on whether you celebrate the Eve Of the 31^st or the prior Saturday evening.

As awkwardly as the beginning of this conversation might be, today is quite an interesting day, historically speaking.

On October 30^th:

1468 – Charles the Stout occupies and plunders Luik. This is bad for the people of Luik, but Charles thinks it is fitting retribution for being called the Stout on the playground.

1485 – Henry VII of England crowned at Westminster Abbey, London. This is important because Pi just learned it in school. Therefore, it must be Very Meaningful.

1629 – King Charles I gives the Bahamas to Sir Robert Heath. How do you gift wrap that? Individually or as a group? I mean, there are over 700 islands there. The history site I used to learn about Sir Robert made no mention of a national scandal for such a gift, but I’m betting there was a big cover up. And after the way Columbus treated the Bahamas, you’d think someone would know better.

1866 – Jesse James gang robs a bank in Lexington, Missouri. They get away with $2000 and while $2 grand was nothing to sneeze at in 1866 it did not make him rich enough to retire from his Life of Crime. Personally, I’m wondering where he kept his cash since I would think banks would be out of the question.

1873 – P. T. Barnum’s circus, “Greatest Show on Earth,” debuts in NYC. Does anything more need to be said? I think not.

1888 – John J. Loud patents ballpoint pen. Twenty minutes later, pocket protectors are invented.

1938 – Orson Welles causes a nationwide panic with his broadcast of “War of the Worlds”—a realistic radio dramatization of a Martian invasion of earth. Not having been born at the time, I did not panic.

1944 – Aaron Copland’s Appalachian Spring premieres at the Library of Congress. This makes your father very happy. Or it will have once he’s born.

1952 – Clarence Birdseye sells 1^st frozen peas. I know peas are not your favorite thing in the world. But without peas we couldn’t say that things are like two peas in a pod. Nor could we say “Peas Please” which you used to think was very funny.

1963 – Sandy Koufax wins NL MVP award (this is not the most important thing that happens in 1963, but it does make many people happy). Extra points for knowing what the most important thing in 1963 was.

1974 – Muhammad Ali wins the Rumble in the Jungle. Fight promoters everywhere buy rhyming dictionaries.

1991 – The Perfect storm (the real one) hits the North Atlantic creating a path for public figures to overuse the term “perfect storm.”

2012 – Walt Disney purchases Lucasfilm Ltd and its rights for Star Wars and Indiana Jones for $4.05 billion. Jesse James really should have become a media mogul.

Of course, October 30 is traditional known as the Great What Am I Going To Be For Halloween Day when Children of All Ages (as P.T. would say) panic about Having The Right Costume for Trick or Treat. Like college work, having a great costume requires Working in Advance (see how I worked that in there?).

Hope you’re ready for the Great Pumpkin, kiddo,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You may recall that on your sister’s half-birthday the testing part of the DMV was closed, so no driver’s permit. Since there was no school yesterday, our plan was to take her for testing. Mid-day our text conversation went like this:

Pi: Temps today, right?

Me: Have u been a good girl?

Pi: Yes

Me: Oh good. Will you have the Lego room cleaned up by 1pm?

Pi: Surrrrre

Me: And will you have eaten lunch by 1pm? And owed Booker?

Pi: Owed Booker?

Me: Peed. Stupid Autocorrect

Pi: haha Yes.

Me: Then I’ll pick you up at 1pm. Can you grab a bar for me?

I go home, walk into the house, and there’s Pi. “Will this do?” she asks holding up one of my bras. “HUH?” “You asked for one.” I start laughing “I thought I typed ‘bar’ not ‘bra’!” She checks her phone. “Oh. You did.”

She is now the proud owner of a learner’s permit. And a little inconvenient dyslexia.

According to the City of Athens, OH, today is Halloween. Fabulous for college students and Athens residents, a little confusing for the rest of us.

I love that for today’s football game there is a Ghost Out (fans wearing white to haunt Miami back to Oxford). Then there is the parade, “a larger than life puppet parade.” While that may sound too family-friendly, you should think about checking it out because it turns out that Puppets Are Fabulous. (But I haven’t finished that blog yet, so you’ll have to wait for details.)

An estimated 10,000 to 30,000 costumed party-goers (mostly college students) will converge on Athens for tonight’s annual Halloween Block Party. The mega Halloween celebration in Athens began in 1974 when party partakers in costume halted traffic on Court for two hours on Halloween night. The party is now sponsored by the City of Athens and is well known for being pah-tay time.

This year there will be three stages for music, costume contests, and more music. There will be food, drink, DRINK, and lots, and lots of people. Especially lots of people. Mostly people not in studying-for-exams mode.

At orientation this summer, we learned all about how most of the drinking is done by students from other colleges who just visit for the weekend. Uh-huh. Probably everyone looks bad Sunday morning because they stayed out past their bed time and ate interesting non-cafeteria food. Right. Whatev.

Enjoy. Just not too much.

Love, Mom