Posts Tagged "gym"

15 Reasons NOT To Do the Insanity Workout

Dear Kid,

Your sister has decided to kill me.

15 Reasons NOT To Do the Insanity Workout DearKidLoveMom.comI know this because she has been doing the insanity workouts this summer and has decided I need to join her in these workouts.

Anything that includes the word “insanity” and is not immediately followed either by the word “chocolate” or “coffee” cannot possibly be good for me.

In order to preserve my sanity, my capacity to breathe, and my ability walk upright, I’ve decided to begin compiling a list of reasons NOT to do the insanity workout.

  1. I have a hangnail.
  2. I don’t have an Insanity Workout outfit.
  3. My eyelashes hurt.
  4. I sprained my eardrum.
  5. I want to be able to work out tomorrow.
  6. “Work. Out.” ‘Nuff said.
  7. I have to cook dinner.
  8. I have to write a blog.
  9. I have to paint the garage.
  10. I have to finish knitting a sweater.
  11. I have to learn how to knit.
  12. I have a date with a pillow.
  13. I need to text someone.
  14. I have to be home in case the political pollsters call.
  15. I’d rather binge out on Oreos.

I don’t think she’ll accept any of those, but a girl’s gotta try.

Love, Mom

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Mom Versus the Sports Bra

Dear Kid,

Anyone who says that men and women are identical in all things has never experienced the joy of a sports bra.

A well-crafted sports bra is all about, um, restraint, and is built with more attention to engineering than the space station.

Wriggling in and out of a good sports bra involves the grace of a drunk water buffalo and the agility of a contortionist. DearKidLoveMom.comA sports bra “fits” if it is 4 sizes smaller than that which it is trying to contain. Wriggling in and out of a good sports bra involves the grace of a drunk water buffalo and the agility of a contortionist. Scientists have determined that more calories are burned dressing and undressing than during most workouts.

You think Game of Thrones contains battles? Ha! That’s nothing compared to the Battle of the Sports Bra.

Yesterday I almost lost the battle. The particular garment in question has a clip thing (no problem) AND a zipper (big problem). To correctly fasten the zipper you have to exert 2 billion pounds of force to bring the two sides together and then zip the zipper. While you hold the edges still. This works better if you’re an octopus. Having only standard issue limbs, I struggled.

Somehow, the zipper misaligned and I found myself in the grip of industrial strength elastic. The zipper would neither zip nor move down. The elastic tried to simultaneously strangle me and pull apart the entire contraption.

I tugged, I tweaked, I coaxed, I cajoled, I pulled, I lost. I tried holding part of the zipper in my teeth. (Yes, mom, even after all that orthodonture.) I was mere moments away from calling the rescue team to bring a pair of scissors to cut me free when I finally (finally!) muttered the proper curse and got unzipped.

After I got the whole thing refastened, I hit the gym floor. It seemed like a lot of effort to stroll once around the track. (I’m kidding. I strolled several times around.)

Equality, my Aunt Fanny.

Love, Mom

 

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My Body and I are Arguing Again

Dear Kid,

My body and I are arguing a lot these days.

Marie Antoinette was never on a diet. DearKidLoveMom.comBody: Let’s eat cake!
Me: No.
Body: Let’s eat cookies!
Me: No.
Body: Let’s eat chocolate!
Me: No.
Body: Remind me again why I hang out with you?

 

Me: Tell the fat cells to go.
Body: Not so much.
Me: This is an eviction notice for the fat cells.
Body: But they live here!
Me: That’s the point. They are no longer welcome.
Body: I think I’ll keep them anyway.

 

Me: Get up and get moving.
Body: I got up and got moving yesterday.
Me: We have to do it again.
Body: I beg to differ.
Me: It’s not really optional.
Body: Yeah? Just try moving without me.

 

Body: I hurt.
Me: You don’t hurt. We went to the gym yesterday.
Body: I hurt.
Me: You feel energized.
Body: I think we’re using a different dictionary.

 

Body: It is time to eat.
Me: We just ate.
Body: It is time to eat again.
Me: It is time to clean the kitchen.
Body: My idea is better.
Me: True. But…
Body: So we eat!
Me: No.
Body: The cookies are tempting….
Me: Yes, but…
Body: We could just have one.
Me: Now I know you’re toying with me.

Love, Mom

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What’s Really Going on with Fitbit

Dear Kid,

Thinking burns a lot of calories. For instance, how does the Fitbit tell the difference between sitting and watching bad reality TV (no effort) and sitting and contemplating bad reality TV (a great deal of effort)? Or gum chewing? How does the Fitbit account for the incredible number of calories I burn chomping on Trident? DearKidLoveMom.comHave I told you how much I love my Fitbit?

Not only is it purple (win!), and data-ful (win!), and mine (win! win!), it has encouraged me to make some small but important changes in my life.

For example, I now go to either the first or third floor to use the restroom (I work on the 2nd floor). Not only does this give me all those lovely extra steps (win!), I get an extra flight of stairs (win! win!) each time I have to pee.

Between my bladder (tiny) and my coffee habit (large), this has added an extra 1,000 steps a day to my step count which amounts to (exactly) 11.5 calories.

If I had taken the same amount of time to sit, Jabba-the-Hutt-like, I would only have burned 10.2 calories, so you can see how this is changing my waistline dramatically.

Not only am I bounding (gazelle-like) up the stairs, I’ve taken to walking through this door rather than that door on my way to the restroom. By taking this door, I add 27 steps (win!) and I walk right by the candy bowl (it would be rude not to help myself to a piece [or two] as I walk by).

So by becoming more fit I have gained 6 pounds, worn out three pairs of shoes, and developed a small but insistent blister on my left foot.

You might think I blame my Fitbit. But I don’t. Not at all.

Because it’s purple (win!).

Love, Mom

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My Fitbit and My Scale Are in Cahoots

Dear Kid,

Still having Fitbit issues.

As a fashion accessory, I love it. It’s chic, it’s purple, and it’s mine.

As a toy, it’s fantastic. I push the button and I get all sorts of data. Heaven.

As a tracker of calories, I’m pretty sure we have a colossal #Fail.

Thinking burns a lot of calories. For instance, how does the Fitbit tell the difference between sitting and watching bad reality TV (no effort) and sitting and contemplating bad reality TV (a great deal of effort)? Or gum chewing? How does the Fitbit account for the incredible number of calories I burn chomping on Trident? DearKidLoveMom.comLemme ‘splain.

I am what you might call “an active person.” For example, yesterday I did all sorts of physically active things.

I sat. I stood. I walked. I wandered. I showered. I sat some more. I baked. I ate. I drank. I watched TV. I ate some more. I walked the Puppy. I wrote. I read what I wrote. I read things I didn’t write. I cleaned (not really). I sorted. I tracked. I went to the gym. I worked out. I texted. I telephoned. I washed the Puppy. I glared. I growled. I grimaced. I grinned. I coffeed. I calculated. I computed.

In short, I used a lot of verbs.

According to my highly scientific assessment and calculations, I burned 4,827 calories yesterday. According to my Fitbit, I burned 62.

Just kidding. My Fitbit said I burned 1,628 calories.

Either way, do you see my problem? There is a HUGE discrepancy!

I prefer my methodology to Fitbit’s algorithm.

No, that’s not exactly true. I don’t really care which method we use. I just like my answer better.

According to my logic, I lost 8 pounds yesterday. According to my scale, I need to wear stretchy-waist pants.

Which means my scale and my Fitbit are in cahoots.

If those two little devices are collaborating, we are in really big trouble.

But being a generous kind of girl, I’m giving my Fitbit another chance.

Love, Mom

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