Dear Kid,

Once upon a time there was the Kalahari desert. This is important because without the Kalahari they couldn’t have made the movie The Gods Must Be Crazy. And that would be sad.

About 5,000 years ago there was nothing in the Kalahari except sand and one coke bottle (see The Gods Must Be Crazy). Then there was a watermelon. And the people liked the watermelon so much that many, many more watermelon followed.

The Egyptians thought watermelon were so dandy-wonderful that they drew pictures of them on walls (the term hieroglyphics is from the root “hi” as in near the top of the wall, “rog” as in rogue graffiti artists, and “lyphs” as in I hope I don’t get caught drawing on the walls). The Egyptians didn’t have good graffiti removal techniques which is why hieroglyphics still exist.

The Egyptians also put watermelons in the tombs with dead kings because one never knows when royalty will get a hankering for watermelon.

Fast forward to the 10^th century when watermelon (and possibly watermelon shooters) had made their way to China. It took that long because travel was slow in those days and watermelon are not known for having large stockpiles of cash with which to travel. China is currently the number one producer of watermelons on the planet.

Dad’s garden is currently last on the list of watermelon producers having yielded (so far this year) exactly one (slightly under-ripe) fruit.

The US is fifth in watermelon production but according to Guinness (the records people not the beer people) the world’s heaviest watermelon was grown in Arkansas in 2005. It weighed 268.8 pounds (most of which was water weight).

Early explorers used watermelons as canteens. This is the first recorded instance of yuppy flavored water and the forerunner of Mio!.

There are over 200 kinds of watermelon grown in the US and Mexico. The most popular are the ones somebody else carries.

There are many recipes for Interesting Things to Do With Watermelon. I am not reproducing any of them here, since (a) my favorite is watermelon, cut with knife, served with a napkin and (b) My Friend the Internet has already documented every possible watermelon recipe imaginable.

Watermelon makes me think of summer and grilling out and summer and seed fights and summer and early fall.

What’s your favorite way to eat watermelon?

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

Welcome to the Ides of July and the middle of the summer.

To celebrate, the mosquitoes have declared the entire outdoors is their buffet. And by “entire outdoors” I mean “me.”

To celebrate, the deer have declared the entire garden is their buffet. And by “entire garden” I mean “the beet tops.”

To celebrate, the moles have declared the entire backyard is their buffet. And by “entire backyard” I mean “entire backyard.”

To celebrate, the dust dragons have gone on a procreative rampage. And by “procreative rampage” I mean there are a lot of them.

To celebrate, Booker is shedding. And by “shedding” I mean “losing enough fur to make a whole extra beast.”

To celebrate, the air conditioner is working overtime. As is the icemaker.

To celebrate, American Ninja Warrior is in the city finals. And by “in the city finals” I mean you can pretty much guess what I’m doing on Monday evenings. And Kacy Catenzaro #MightyKacy is the first woman not only to make it to the top of the warped wall but through the entire finals course. In case you have no idea how impressive that is, only 6 men made it the whole way (out of a field of 30) and Kacy is only 5 feet tall. She is about 6 kinds of amazing.

(If you’re looking for me on Tuesday evenings, I’m probably making sure that the judges on America’s Got Talent don’t make any mistakes.)

To celebrate, grills all over the country are cooking delicious meals. And by “all over the country” I mean not in our backyard, because our grill master isn’t home at the moment.

How are you celebrating the middle of the summer?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Depending on how one counts these things, summer is some fraction over (am I a math whiz or what?). So I thought I’d make a list of things I want to do before we run out of summer. Perhaps you should make a list too, because before you know it, summer will be gone and it will be time to take you to college. Yark!

Things I Still Want To Do This Summer

1. Go to the movies. I still want to see Monster University and Despicable Me 2 (whether or not you want to go with me). I’d love to take you, but under no circumstances do you get to stuff a sock in my mouth because I’m laughing.

2. Eat some more Kid-style grilled food. Which means we need to get some gas for the grill. And find some sunshine. And find an evening when you’re home to cook. All at the same time…

3. Spend a lazy afternoon watching the birds from the hammock. See above comment about sunshine and free time.

4. Have dinner outside around a fire. Ditto time and nice weather. Are you sensing a theme here?

5. Go out for breakfast. Care to join me? This one doesn’t require any particular kind of weather!

6. Try the climbing wall. Walking past the climbing wall at the Rec Center on a regular basis has inspired me to want to try to climb. Yes, our insurance is paid up.

7. See West Side Story. The summer performance at the High School is West Side Story. Both E-Beth and Amara are in it. I think it will be fun to go, even though Tony dies in the end. I’d love to find out what other schools are performing—there might be other shows we’d want to see.

8. Go to a county fair. When I was a wee young thing, Grandma and Grandpa used to take us to the Duchess County Fair every year. I don’t think I have been to a county fair since then and I’m pretty sure you and Pi have never been to one. Def on the list.

9. Visit the Brazee Street Studios. My understanding is that they do interesting things in glass (although I doubt we’ll see ‘clouds of liquid glass’) and other media. They’ve gotten some very interesting write ups and I’d like to check it out.

10. Relax. I know there are a zillion squillion (my big number for the day) things to do in this area. But I’m looking forward to sitting around and visiting before we lose you. (Maybe with a s’more?)

Did you notice that these don’t require a great deal of work on your part? Perhaps I’ll need to come up with another list….What do you still want to do this summer?

Love, Mom