Dear Kid,

In honor of graduation (yep, it’s today), we search Pinterest (and by “we” I mean Pi) for inspiring graduation ideas.

She decided we would make chocolate Reese’s mortar boards.

So Grandma and Grandpa peeled wrappers from about a million mini Reese’s cups, and you and I set up our assembly shop to manufacture create put together said hats. To be fair, Pi made the first one to show us how (followed immediately by Pi eating the first one).

In other news, the sheer volume of sugar in our house right now could send an entire country (a small one, but still) into diabetic shock.

Congrats (or Congrads) to all the graduates.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Just because I don’t have enough to occupy the two cells I call a brain, NPR decided to run an article (I assume they did a piece on the radio but I haven’t heard it yet) about how much college graduates will earn. Turns out, according to the researcher at Georgetown University who conducted the study, one’s major is a much more important factor than where one obtained that major in determining how much one will get paid.

This is terrible news for Ivy Leaguers but great news for Petroleum Engineers at the University of Do-We-Really-Have-To-Go-To-Class?

Petroleum Engineers are at the top of the dude’s pay scale.

You should know that the article says absolutely nothing about the misery level of the Petroleum Engineers, whether they get free gasoline (which would have a HUGE impact on their Total Income Package), or what a Petroleum Engineer actually does.

He also doesn’t address the question of what happens to the Petroleum Engineer when the Volt and Prius take over the roads, solar power takes over everything else, and we no longer need petroleum or anyone to engineer it.

Counseling Psychology is at the bottom of the earning scale, but I’m pretty sure there is good job security there as we are going to have crazy people for a while. Especially if they have to remember to plug in their cars.

By my calculations, factoring in the part of the graph that’s missing and the names of the people they interviewed, accounting for the fact that the research is from Our Nation’s Capital, adjusting for the contingency of a Martian Invasion, including the probability that you will be a Professional Broomball Player, and correcting for the Mom Factor, I can safely say you are likely to get paid when you land a job.

I cannot understand why NASA isn’t begging me to help them solve their problems. Or why it takes some researchers so long to Reach Conclusions and Draw an Accompanying Graph.

NOTE: You are not allowed to apply this type of Research Methodology (i.e., Making It Up) until you have graduated and landed the aforementioned paying job.

e.g. means for example (from the Latin exempli gratia)
i.e. means in other words or that is (from the Latin id est)
n.o. means no (from the Latin not on your life)

The one thing the researcher and I definitely agree on is that graduation is a key requirement (him for including the data in the research, me because I’m your mom and I said so).

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It’s official. You’re a high school graduate. I know because we got your transcript in the mail today.

It’s the first day of Summer. I know because I looked at the calendar. It is officially time for grilling, sunscreen, s’mores, and lightning bug filled evenings.

It’s World Music Day. Also Go Skateboard Day.

And it’s Grandma and Grandpa’s anniversary (Happy Anniversary, Mom & Dad!)

It’s also What Were You Doing a Year Ago Day (I just made that up). But think about it for a minute.

What were you worrying about a year ago? What things were stressing you out? What were the things that seemed like Earth Stopping Problems?

I’m guessing you’re not entirely sure.

Life is long (God willing); minutes are short. Choose to remember and celebrate the good things: graduation, anniversaries, s’mores. Let the small things, the things that you really won’t remember a year from now, go.

And please call Grandma and Grandpa today.

Love, Mom

This is not our garage door. You can tell because it is so flippin’ clean. On the other hand it is slightly open the way ours is.

Dear Kid,

Apparently, baby birds are the theme of the season. A bird built a nest in a plastic bag in our garage (which does not say much for the parent birds’ real estate hunting abilities) and we now have babies.

The good news is that they all appear to be staying in their nest, giving feeding and babysitting duties to the mama and papa birds and leaving me the heck out of it.

Except not entirely out of it. We have decided that it is one thing to lock the birds in (and all bird-eating critters out) during the night. But when we leave the house during the day, we are leaving the garage door open a good 8 ¾ inches to allow the parents to fly in and out bringing masticated worms and other goodies to the chirpies. (So maybe it is a brilliant avian real estate move.) I am now having to master an entirely new form of garage door closing (or almost closing) while we wait for the babies to graduate flight school and move out of their college apartment.

Speaking of graduation, in a tribute to Idiots in America, a fight broke out in Cleveland at a kindergarten graduation. Kindergarten. Over spilled punch. Just to be clear, it wasn’t the kindergarteners fighting, it was parents and “juvies.” The graduates must have been so proud of their families.

Sorry your folks aren’t crazy enough to make the national news fighting over juice.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

It has been quite an eventful and event-full weekend. Not only did we have graduation (SO proud of you), three soccer games, the football combine, and countless graduation parties that other people hosted, we had two graduation parties that we hosted/co-hosted.

Here’s what I have learned about graduation parties.

• They involve a significant number of graduates. Which reminded me that this may be one of the last times I get to see this particular group of your friends congregated in one place. (sniff)
• It is not possible to diet during graduation season. Graduation involves a LOT of food. And a lot of cake. Fortunately, the wonderful Debba has agreed to do an extra spin class on my behalf.
• Green frosting stains. I discovered this when someone else got frosting on their clothing. My Ohio University shirt remains pristine.
• Party-hopping is not only accepted, it is expected. Since everyone is having their graduation party during the same general time-frame, going from location to location is the only way to get to see everyone.  And to try all the different varieties of food. It’s like an advanced scavenger hunt.
• Graduation parties mean graduation party leftovers. Hope you liked what we served—we’re going to be enjoying it for a while.

You are friends with very nice people, kid. And you are a very good host.

Hope you had a good time too.

Love, Mom