Dear Kid,

As I believe I mentioned, the fabulous Girlfriendology is moving to a new home (one substantially closer to me—so yay!). I therefore started thinking about housewarming presents. I had this same problem the last time she moved (here’s the link in case you don’t remember). Finding the right gift hasn’t gotten any easier…

First I thought of the obvious: coffee with me! But since she is (did I mention?) moving closer, I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen sooner or later.

So I consulted My Friend the Internet for thoughts on more traditional housewarming gifts.

“Candles…so your house will always have light.” Girlfriendology has more candles in her house than a menorah farm (no, I’ve never seen a menorah farm, but I have an active imagination); it would be like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Warning: Knowledge Alert!

“Carrying coals to Newcastle” is a thing. More to the point it is a cliché. Newcastle upon Tyne (I do love how the British name their towns) in northeast England was a huge coal mining town. The idea of taking coal there would have to be something created by the Department of Redundancy Department Department. Totally unnecessary and pointless. Like taking chocolate to Hershey, PA only with more emphasis on pollution and less on calories.

“Salt…to add to the flavor of life.” Salt. Salt? Seriously? Have you read a health article recently?

“Bread…so that this house may never know hunger.” Carbs. Yeah. Right. Brilliant.

“Sugar…so your life may always have sweetness.” Quite possibly only the most addictive substance on the planet and you want me to give it to a friend? Next idea.

“Honey…” Same symbology as sugar. Same chemical issue. Better packaging.

“Broom…to sweep away any evil.” The thought of me giving anyone a cleaning implement made me double over laughing.

“Wine…so you will always be of good cheer.” Two Buck Chuck doesn’t sound like a great gift idea. And Girlfriendology knows far more about wine than I do.

Coffee with me it is!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I’m off to meet a new friend for coffee this morning.

I love having new friends. I think—as I’ve gotten to this advanced age—that new friends are especially important as we get older.

Don’t get me wrong. I love the friends I’ve had forever. I treasure getting reconnected to them on social media and finding out that we’re living parallel lives in different parts of the country. I love knowing that I have friends that I can talk to in shorthand because they know all my nonsense and silliness and painful baggage.

But I also love having new friends. Finding new people who are doing interesting things in interesting ways and who I want to spend some of my free time getting to know better. Because these are the friends that will eventually know my nonsense and silliness and painful baggage and appreciate me from a different point of view.

Three cheers to different points of view, new friends, and a fresh cup of coffee.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Saying goodbye is not always my favorite thing.

There are times when I look forward to saying goodbye. Saying “Goodbye” to a sports opponent can be lots of fun (with or without the na-na-nah-nahh, hey hey). Saying goodbye to a cold is always good. (BTW, you really should get a flu shot.) Saying goodbye to one of Dad’s ripped-to-shreds t-shirts is a rare joy.

And saying “Good Buy!” when finding a great pair of shoes is one of my all-time faves.

But saying “goodbye” to a friend you don’t get to see frequently enough is not joyful.

There is no doubt that it beats the alternative (not getting together at all) by many light years. But it’s still hard and sad.

Tim and Nancy left this morning. It took a while to convince Booker that the suitcases did not belong to us, that I wasn’t going anywhere, and that was safe to return to eviscerating his toy bear. It took longer to convince me that the world would continue on its appointed rounds.

The world is much smaller than it once was. We have cars, and airplanes, and telephones, and Skype, and blogs, and all sorts of wonderful things to keep us in touch. But it’s not the same as getting together in the kitchen to make cookies (yes, I put some in the freezer for when you’re home).

Saying goodbye can mean a lot more than “see ya, dude.” We can pack a whole lot into one little “goodbye.” It’s easier than trying to say all the things we mean.

Send a text to someone you haven’t seen a while and make their day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Author’s note: I have deleted the word “like” from my otherwise verbatim transcription in order to keep the word count under 7 zillion words. You may feel free to, like, insert it, like, wherever you like, because in all likelihood it was there in the original.

My fab friend Debba asked me to write a blog for Girlfriendology.com about how teenage girls can be better friends. While I may look insanely young, it has been a while since I was (in fact) a teen, so I turned to our very own teenage girl for advice and inspiration.

“Pi,” I said, “I need ideas for how teenage girls can be better friends.”

“Huh?” To be fair, we were at the gym and she was 45 seconds into a handstand. I repeated.

“I dunno,” she said and turned right side up again.

“It’s for DEBBA,” I explained.

“Uh-huh,” she said, beginning a third set of sit ups.

I could see this wasn’t the right place to begin the conversation.

I waited until we were driving home and tried again. “Seriously, Pi,” I said, “What makes a teen a better friend?”

She sighed, realized I wasn’t about to give up, and decided to help. “Making food for a friend, hanging out, maybe going with them to a sporting event. Ya’ know, support the school and hang out.”

“What do you do when you and Sarah hang out?” I asked.

“We generally drive around and get lost…and then find our way back.” I have visions of them going out for a smoothie and ending up in a different country.

“And with Emma?”

“We bake stuff at her house that never turns out right. I think next time we’ll try baking at our house, ok?”

“Of course.” I make a mental note to be sure the fire extinguisher is handy. “What about with Melissa?”

“I dunno, mom.” Exasperation.

“Well, do you ever slip a note in someone’s locker to make them feel better if they’re having a bad day?”

I get a look. “No.”

I realize I am hopelessly out of date. “Well, a tweet, or a text?” The look. “No.”

“Do you sit around and talk?” “No.” “Not even about boys, and school, and stuff?”

“Well, of course. But that’s just regular. We don’t talk about serious stuff.”

We finish the drive home in silence.

I consider sending messages to Pi’s friends asking them for help. Then I remember it’s exam week and decide that might not be the best idea on the planet.

I consider going into a deep meditative state and trying to remember what it was like to be a teen. But I’m laughing too hard (I can barely remember what I had for breakfast and Booker will probably climb into my lap and lick my face—not good for regression meditation).

I decide that the answer is probably somewhere at the bottom of a carton of ice cream. When that proves to be incorrect, I sit down to write. You can read Five Tips for Being a Better Teenage Friend on Girlfriendology.

Hope whatever you’re researching today goes better.

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

You have heard me talk extensively about my friend, the internet. While the two of you have met on your own turf (and by “turf” I mean laptop), I thought you might like to know why the internet and I are such good friends.

1 We’re both camera shy. (Have you ever seen a photo of the internet? Of course not.)

2 The internet always supports any and all opinions I have. Which is good because not everyone is as generous.

3 The internet and I are both full of useless (but sometimes interesting and hilarious) bits of information.

4 The internet is there for me 24/7 as a truly good friend should be. The internet is always willing to stay up as late as I am.

5 We’re both able to multi-task. Of course, my pal multi-tasks a wee bit better than I do, but the cool part is I (almost) never feel neglected.

6 The internet is patient. While I sit and contemplate, cogitate, and otherwise consider what I want to know, the internet waits. (This is an excellent balance in our friendship since I am not always the worlds most patient puppy. Watching the browser beachball spin makes me crazy. But that is a browser issue, not an internet issue.)

7 The internet doesn’t argue with people. (People argue with people. But I can frequently ignore them when they do.)

8 The internet doesn’t need to be fed and never gives me grief about my food choices.

9 The internet never fusses about the temperature in the house.

10 The internet never complains if I wander off on a tangent while looking up…oh, look! an interesting story about blogging that’s right…wait! a cat video!!!

On the other hand, the internet has never bought me a drink, provided a shoulder to cry on, or offered words of encouragement (unless I specifically looked up “words of encouragement).

I love my friend the internet, but it will never replace my real life people friends.

Love, Mom

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