Dear Kid,

The Tour de France begins soon and (obviously) so do the allegations.

Actually, the allegations have already begun (does that make them pre-allegations? Prallegations?). And this year, we have New and Improved Prallegations.

There are the standard allegations about cyclists doping (old news). And New-This-Year, we’ve introduced Motorized Doping Allegations.

When I first heard about Motorized Doping I thought it was a speedier way to ingest banned substances (it’s not). Then I thought it was a different kind of drug cyclists were taking (it’s not). Then I stopped guessing.

Turns out Motorized Doping is about doping the bikes!

Yes, someone has taught the bicycles to take steroids!

No, that’s not it. Someone has figured out how to get the bicycles to swallow small but powerful motors.

Yes, the point is that somehow elite cyclists have found a new way to cheat in the Tour. They have little motors (I am not making this up) hidden in the bikes that are somehow connected through buttons and/or blue tooth to make the bikes go faster/stronger (We can rebuild him! [Extra points if you get the reference]).

This is such a big deal thing that even NPR did a story on motorized doping.

Le Tour officials were going to scan bikes to check for motors or batteries, but then they were shamed into taking this much more seriously. They’ve decided to set up heat scan sensors along the route at random and unannounced places to check bikes for hidden mechanical assistance.

Or maybe mechanical assistants if there are mini robots involved.

In any case, we now have a new scandal to worry about.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did you know that the real name of The Statue of Liberty is Liberty Enlightening the World? Neither did I.

Did you know Ms. Liberty is made of copper? Of course you did. That’s why she’s green. (Not because she’s really a frog. Even though she was made by frogs. Get it?)

Did you know she’s a goddess? The Roman goddess Libertas (goddess of freedom). And she’s not holding a book, she’s holding a tabula ansata (tablet evoking the law). And upon said tabula ansata is the date July 4, 1776 (penalty points if you don’t recognize the date). The torch she’s holding gets hit by about 600 bolts of lightning every year.

Did you know there’s a broken chain at her feet? No, not an ankle bracelet. Broken shackles and chains. Also, her right foot is raised, depicting her moving forward away from oppression and slavery.

Did you know that her nose is almost (but not quite) as tall as I am? This is more a statement about the bigness of her nose than it is about the shortness of your mother.

The seven spikes on the crown represent the seven oceans and the seven continents of the world, indicating the universal concept of liberty. She was a lighthouse from 1886 to 1902, and could be seen by boats over 24 miles away.

Try not to climb Miss L during a storm. In high winds, she sways by up to 3 inches, and her torch can move 5 inches. Not for the faint of heart.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The completion of Pi’s summer homework last night went something like this.

Pi: What was the name of that singer?
Me: What singer?
Puppy: I know!
Pi: The French one
Puppy: I know! I know!
Me: What French one?
Pi: And she died
Me: Recently?
Pi: No
Puppy: I know! I know! I know!
Me: You do not know
Puppy: Of course not, I’m a dog
Pi: And she sang
Me: Singers tend to do that
Pi: What was her name?!
Me: No clue
Puppy: Can I have a treat?
Pi and Me (simultaneously): No
Puppy: (sigh)
Me: What kind of music?
Pi: Opera. What was her Name???? I really want to write about her
Me: Why don’t you Google it?
Pi: Google what? I don’t know her NAME!
Puppy: I want a google
Me: French opera singer
Pi: That’s ridiculous. See? How could—hey! Edith Piaf! I knew that!
Puppy: I knew that too. But no one asked me
Me: Of course you did. You’re brilliant
Puppy: Now can I have a treat?
Pi and Me (simultaneously): No
Puppy: Can I have a google?
Me: You may have a tummy rub
Pi: What?
Me: Not you
Puppy: Yay!

Happy First Day of School, Pi!

Love, Mom