Dear Kid,

High school soccer season has begun. And by “begun” I mean there was a scrimmage last night.

We played at Turpin, which is southeast of exactly nowhere.

I’m pretty sure the location moved while we were there because the drive home was significantly shorter than the arduous journey we took to get there in the first place.

Turpin (according to Dictionary.com) refers to an English highwayman named Richard Turpin.

The Turpin High School probably didn’t get its name from a thief who died a couple of hundred years ago, but their website didn’t give a more relevant explanation.

So, being the kind of mom I am, I will provide a little more information. (This explanation of course is coming from the unimpeachable source of I’m-making-it-up.)

There are quite a few conflicting theories as to where the name Turpin came from. Scholars have debated the origin for years, but evidence has finally come to light to Explain All.

The first theory is that Turpin stands for Township Urchins Revere Penguins In Nests. This is of course pure nonsense as one doesn’t need to be an urchin to adore penguins and who uses the word “urchin” these days anyway (unless they are referring to sea urchins and we’re more than a few miles from the sea).

The second theory is that someone named Turpin died where the school is built. Which is probable but gory and one can see why they don’t brag about it on the website.

Another theory is that someone named Turpin gave a lot of money and/or land to the district, which sounds better but is highly unlikely since nothing else in the area is named Turpin and because they would have been screaming it in BIG LETTERS on the website if that were the case. (Mr. Donald P. Turpin, though he didn’t have children of his own, left his fortune of $14.17 to build this school on the family farm…).

The most logical explanation is that one day a terrapin fell out of the sky, landed on that very spot, and in the confusion of trying to explain what it was doing up in the sky in the first place lost a few of the more important letters in its name. Those letters T, R, P, and N mixed with letters already in the soil in that area and a school sprouted up.

One must be careful of having too little education. One must also be careful of having too much education.

I must be careful to go get some more coffee.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

All sorts of moving sporting events are happening. And by “moving” I mean motion not e-motion.

The bulls have started running in Pamploma. This is possibly one of the stupidest events in the history of stupid events. I am not referring to the intelligence level of the bulls. The running of the bulls lasts for a week and sends a lot of people to the hospital.

The Tour de France has started. In France. This is possibly one of the dopiest events in the history of dopy events. And by “dopy” I really mean dope-ed. Yesterday there was a huge crash forcing a number of riders (including the guy wearing the yellow jersey) out of the race. The Tour last 21 days and generally doesn’t send this many people to the hospital this early in the event.

The World Cup is moving out of Canada now that the women have agreed that the USA women are the best. Now eyes are being cast in this direction in preparation for the All Star game next week. Since the entire world was watching, a violent fight broke out on Fountain Square on the 4^th. Lovely. Usually the 4^th of July doesn’t send this many people to the hospital for non-fireworks related injuries.

Makes you want to vote for the bulls.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once again, there was soccer. Women’s World Cup Soccer to be more specific.

The other night the US women won their game against Germany.

And while they may have won, they didn’t exactly play to Dad’s standard. I know this because of the string of “No, no, NO! What are you thinking!?!” and “Cross! Cross! Aw, come on, you gotta play better than that!” and other similar comments snarls bellows.

Dad also found it necessary to comment on the officiating. “What? Are you kidding me? How can you not call that?” and “Nope, nope, nothing there, play on, good no call.”

Frankly, I’m amazed he didn’t lose his voice.

Last night was the Japan/England game. I’m not sure if Dad didn’t care as much or whether he really had lost his voice, but there was a lot less couch coaching.

The next game will be Saturday, USA versus Japan for the World Cup Title.

I’m off to buy earplugs.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Just in case you’ve been doing something crazy (like studying) and have missed the Important News of the Day, I am here to rectify the situation.

June 12^th. It’s a Thursday. It is also the start of the FIFA World Cup 2014. Mark your calendar.

Here’s the latest about what is (arguably) the Most Important Sporting Event in the World. Well, really it’s the third Most Important Sporting Event in The World (after 1. Any event a child of mine is participating in and 2. The Olympics which I love). It is, according to my friend the internet, the Most Watched Sporting Event in the World.

FIFA (which would be an excellent name for a puppy) announced the four “pots” for the World Cup draw. As far as I can tell (now might be a good time to mention that I am not a soccer expert) there are two “yark!” factors for 2014. One is that the weighting is weird (probably someone ate too much at Thanksgiving if weight is a problem) what with Iran (No. 49) having the same weight as the US (No. 13). The second is that things do not look good for the US. I determined this by reading an article (written by someone who knows far more about soccer than I do) which said quite clearly that things do not look good for the US. The author went on to explain why, but I got lost somewhere around the pre-draw so you’ll have to investigate yourself if you want additional info.

In other World Cup news, FIFA had to make A Statement that they are not racist and didn’t have any part in the whole mess. Allow me to explain.

In Brazil, especially the part of Brazil where the draw was being held, more than half the population identifies as either black or dark-skinned. Originally, the hosts for the television broadcast of the event (and, O Best Beloved, this is a Big Honkin’ Deal of An Event) were Afro-Brazilian. Probably. Certainly there are two dark-skinned Brazilian celebrities who were rumored to have been the hosts. Either that was a big spin of the rumor pinwheel or somewhere a mind was changed because two very light-skinned celebrities ended up with hosting duties. Lots o’ backlash. Threats of criminal prosecution and protests. Also probably a strongly worded Note to someone. FIFA went on record saying that FIFA is against discrimination and racism, and besides someone else made the decisions.

On a happier note, the New World Cup ball has been announced. It is called the Brazuca and somehow manages to look like a soccer ball while looking nothing like a soccer ball. High five to the designers. Everybody knows that soccer balls are black and white—this one has color on white. Everyone knows soccer balls are formed from 32 pieces of smooth leather in the shape of hexagons and pentagons. The Brazuca is made up of 6 identical interlocking round-tipped Xs (or something like that. Someone call Escher). I don’t know what material they use to make the ball but it has a “micro-texture.”

Anyway, the ball is pretty darn cool and has been tested within an inch of its spheroid life. Also, it turns out that the reason soccer balls were black and white was so that viewers watching on their black and white TVs in 1970 could clearly see the ball. And here I thought it had to do with the Religion of Soccer. Learn something new every day.

We hope you have enjoyed this break. We now return you to your previously scheduled study session.

Love, Mom