Posts Tagged "family"

Aunt and Uncle Day (No, I’m Not Joking)

Dear Kid,

Happy Aunt and Uncle Day!

You aren’t one yet, but you have them, so I think we should celebrate.

Happy Aunt and Uncle Day! DearKidLoveMom.comThere are lots of famous aunts and uncles, like Uncle Sam, Uncle Wiggly, Auntie Mame, Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Auntie Anne, Uncle Miltie, Auntie M, and Uncle Fester.

You can Say Uncle or be so surprised you become a Monkey’s Uncle.

I will never forget the day I became an Aunt and hearing some very special voices call me “Aunt” for the first time. (You know who are, you wonderful people.)

I am extremely lucky because I have the best of all possible worlds—I am an aunt and I have aunts and uncles.

To those who are and those who have, Happy Aunt and Uncle Day!

Love, Mom

P.S. Don’t forget that tomorrow is Take Your Pants for a Walk Day. (I did not make that up. I made fun of it, but I didn’t make it up.)

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The Story (Sort Of) of Perseus | Part I

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time there was a king names Acrisius who had a beautiful daughter named Danae. (There are a lot of unfamiliar characters in this story, so try to pay attention and I’ll try to make it clear.

Acrisius was living a relatively happy kingly sort of life until the Oracle of Apollo told him that one day Danae’s son would kill him. So Acrisius did the only “reasonable” thing his little kingly mind (emphasis on little) could think of and locked Danae in a tower so she’d never have babies.

This type of birth control is known as the Tower Method. In mythology, it is generally 0% effective.

The things about Oracles is that they are ALWAYS (emphasis on the ALWAYS) right (emphasis on correct). They probably don’t work out the way one thinks they will, but you can never (emphasis on never) outsmart them. You can try to outsmart them, but that works out exactly never (emphasis on never).

So the whole tower thing was a dumb idea (even if Danae didn’t have hair long enough to climb up), but Acrisius was not known as a Rhodes Scholar. So there was Danae in the horrible tower, with no cell service, and no curling iron or makeup but looking forlornly beautiful nonetheless.

Once day, Zeus showed up on Danae’s window sill. Guess what happened?

Some time later, Acrisius checked on Danae and found her sitting in her tower with a gorgeous demigod of a son sitting in her lap.

Instead of falling in love with his new grandson grandgod, Acrisius put both mama (Danae) and baby (Perseus) in a chest and tossed them into the sea (emphasis on Stupid in So Many Ways).

Chest travel being one of the relatively less reliable forms of transportation, Acrisius thought he’d gotten rid of them for good and could ignore the Oracle. But what did we say about oracles? Like mothers, they are always right.

Eventually, a fisherman hauled in the chest and was quite surprised to find Danae and baby Perseus, but he took them to land and dried them off and Perseus proceeded to grow up, the son of a single mother, in the land ruled by King Polydectes.

You no doubt remember that Danae was beautiful. King Polydectes was not blind and asked Danae to marry him. She said, “Thanks but no thanks.”

As King, old Polydectes could have taken her by force, but by this time Perseus had grown up into something of a stud. A mom-protecting stud (as all young men should be). Which—in Polydectes’ mind—made Perseus a Problem to Be Dealt With and he came up with a Plan (emphasis on don’t mess with sons who are protecting their moms).

King Polydectes pretended to marry some chick and told everyone to bring a wedding present. Somehow, Danae didn’t add Perseus’ name to the gift, leaving Perseus giftless. (This was a major #FAIL on Danae’s part since she should have known better. But she’d been locked in a tower for a long time and one tends to forget princess etiquette in a tower. Besides, if she’d put his name on the gift we wouldn’t have a story.)

Polydectes pretended to be furious at the slight and provoked Perseus into an argument. Being young and mad Perseus offered to bring Polydectes anything he wanted. The king asked for Medusa’s head.

Let’s review: Medusa turns people (even demigods) who look at her into stone. Quite a useful defense mechanism. Effectiveness rate to this point in the story: 100%. She had been turned into Hideous Medusa by Athena who (for the record) was still seriously ticked off.

Perseus stomped off. After a few days, he realized he didn’t know where he was going, he’d forgotten to bring a GPS, and he had no idea how to fight a Gorgon.

Things were not looking good for Our Hero.

Tune in tomorrow to find out how this ends.

Love, Mom

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21 Things You Should Never Stay in the Hospital Long Enough to Do

Dear Kid,

I hope you don’t ever have a long hospital stay. But if you do have to spend any amount of time in the hospital, please understand that it is important to leave before you get too used to being there.

21 Things You Should Never Stay in the Hospital Long Enough to Do. DearKidLoveMom.comHere are 21 things you should never stay in the hospital long enough to do.

  1. Learn to like hospital food.
  2. Celebrate more than one major holiday.
  3. Write the Great American Novel.
  4. Read and comment on all of Shakespeare’s plays. Including the obscure ones.
  5. Learn the names of the nurses who fill in when the regular nurses are on vacation.
  6. Become proficient in Jell-O stacking.
  7. Knit a sweater. For Hagrid.
  8. Knit an afghan for one of the nurse’s babies.
  9. Memorize the hospital meal rotation.
  10. Be invited to a doctor’s retirement party.
  11. Earn a hospital designation like “The Patient We’ve Kept the Longest.”
  12. Be written up in the American Medical Association Journal as “an interesting case.”
  13. Become proficient with an arc welder (yeah, that idea is still cracking me up).
  14. Learn how to drink hot coffee through a straw.
  15. Figure out how to smuggle in good coffee and chocolate.
  16. Launch a line of makeup suited for hospital lighting.
  17. Earn “frequent patient” platinum status.
  18. Be invited to join a hospital committee as the patient representative.
  19. Outgrow your pedicure.
  20. Outgrow your hospital gown.
  21. Turn into “that patient I was telling you about.”

Love, Mom

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4th Recap and Some Things Just Have to Be Said

Dear Kid,

What a wonderful 4th of July weekend.

There was so much going on this weekend—celebrations in different cities with different families of different times in our lives.

Shout out to those at #Kutz50 this weekend–Love you guys! Sorry we couldn’t be with you.

One of these days I will figure out how to clone myself and be all places simultaneously. In the meantime, I’m grateful for Facebook and people who share photos.

Shout out to those at Red, White, and Blue Ash–Thank you for enjoying the evening for us!

Shout out to family gathered in Cleveland–Oh wait. I’m here. No shouting necessary. Yay!

Hope you had a wonderful Fourth of July. DearKidLoveMom.comWe watched fireworks from the rooftop in Cleveland last night. It was absolutely amazing to see all the fireworks from countless localities all at once. It was a panorama of pretty. A kaleidoscope of kaboom (without most of the noise). Very, very cool.

And just when we thought the show was nearing its end, the City of Cleveland started its fireworks show. Spectacular.

If you don’t mind, I’m going to take a small moment for a Public Service Announcement.

Dear ‘Murica,

No, it’s not better when you take a photo of fireworks using your iphone with the flash on.

No, it’s not better when you hand your nephew a burning sparkler and tell him to stick the end through the chain link fence so he doesn’t get burned.

No, a few more beers does not improve your ability to set off fireworks. Let the professionals do it. You should stick with saying “ooh” and “ahh.”

No, it is not funny to try to convince your dog that fireworks are fun. Let him go inside and cower in the privacy of his own home.

Sorry. Some things just have to be said.

Hope you enjoyed your fireworks show last night and you have a great day today.

Get some sleep, kiddo. Pretty sure you need it.

Love, Mom

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Is There Such a Thing As a Normal Family?

Dear Kid,

I’ve decided there is no such thing as a normal family.

Based on my Advanced Degree in Life and my Keen Observational Powers, I have come to the conclusion that just about all families are dysfunctional.

More to the point, pretty much every family has dysfunctional pieces even if someone had to get married to include them. And since pretty much every family has dysfunction, dysfunction is the new normal. Which means that what was once considered “normal” is now a teeny tiny minority. And a teeny tiny portion of the population can’t possibly be considered normal.

So we’re all a little looney.

Families are like fudge — mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown DearKidLoveMom.comLike most continuums, it’s just a matter of how looney each particular branch of the tree happens to be.

Or who has taken up residence in the branches.

And how whether the dysfunctional parts include members who can’t even masquerade as functional.

I suspect this has always been true, but we as a society are more likely to talk about it these days rather than relegating Weird Uncle Harold to the torn armchair and pretending he’s an anomaly.

It’s a perspective thing.

Love, Mom

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