Dear Kid,

Of all the interesting celebrity on-again-off-again relationships, the one that interests me the most right now is SnapChat and Facebook. The current rumor is that the two of them aren’t even dating as SnapChat reportedly turned down $3Billion (yeah, that’s Billion with a “B”. Capitalized.) to go steady with Facebook. Personally, I think they are both too young to be dating, but what do I know.

I’m typing with one hand while I sit on the floor with Booker. He’s decided he needs some attention, and every time I stop scratching he give me Pathetic Puppy Pose. Then he nudges my hand to say Why are you stopping? Back to work, mom. Since I’m pretty sure that by “work” he means rubbing his tummy, I am typing single-handedly.

A few days before the snow storm (and by “storm” I mean the quarter of an inch of snow that didn’t melt), Booker found a brown grasshopper out front. I suspect he (the grasshopper) was injured, but not being an Orthoptera (I looked it up) specialist, I can’t be sure. To be honest, I thought it was a big cricket, but dad assures me it was a grasshopper. Anyway, Booker found the Bug and decided to see if they could become BFFs.

He poked it with his nose, and the hopper hopped! That was so much fun, Booker thought he’d try it again. Same result! Do you know how many ways a dogs ears can move? Booker moved his in all those ways simultaneously when the grasshopper jumped. Astonishment doesn’t even come close.

After a careful sniff (one must always start with a good sniff), Booker pawed his new little buddy. Not knowing the secret handshake, the grasshopper jumped. Booker looked up at me to see if I approved of Handshake Avoidance. I told him he was on his own in the animal kingdom. We began the dance again. This time, after a careful sniff (one must always start with a good sniff), Booker picked up his new toy to carry it to the other side of the driveway. After he spit out the grasshopper, I decided the poor bug had had enough for one day and the puppy and I went inside.

We repeated this on our next walk. See what I mean about the grasshopper probably being injured? Booker sees it as his job to be Friends with Most Things Smaller Than He Is, but how dumb can a grasshopper possibly be to stick around and be slobbered all over? On the other hand, the grasshopper didn’t become a mid-morning snack for any of the birds around here, so maybe he liked swimming in puppy drool. What do I know about grasshopper fetishes? After a few days, we didn’t see the grasshopper anymore and there was no forwarding address so I cannot say what the end of the story might be.

Do you think there’s a parallel between Booker and the Grasshopper and Facebook and SnapChat? The idea of Facebook drooling on SnapChat is slightly revolting…

Have a great day, sweetheart. Try not to slobber on any of your friends.

Love, Mom

Haven’t Liked DearKidLoveMom on Facebook? Do it quickly before you have to compete with all those folks from SnapChat!

The Young Grasshopper reference is from the original Kung Fu television show. But you probably knew that…

Dear Kid,

Mashable recently conducted an interesting study about technology and dating. Because I am that kind of a mom, I am summarizing (and might be persuaded to provide a comment or three on) the study.

Phones on a Date
Turns out there are people who think pulling out their cell phone during a date is acceptable behavior. Even during a first date. All I can say is those people better not be related to me. Well… there are a few exceptions.

1. If the building is on fire or someone is experiencing a true medical emergency, you can use your phone to call emergency services.

2. If your parent is supposed to pick you up at the end of the date and you need to coordinate the time the movie ends, you may use your phone.

3. If your date is truly horrible, by all means use that phone and get out.

Otherwise, turn your phone off and put it away. Even if your date has gone to the restroom or something (because it is truly tacky for your date to see you checking your phone when he or she returns from the restroom—it implies you’ve been waiting for something better to turn up).

Calling
To call: as in to use the phone to speak with someone not in the same room by a method other than text, email, or social media. As I believe I’ve mentioned before, the technology exists to make phone calls on those things. I promise to show you how if you’re not sure.

Call someone after a first date. Even after a second date. There are people who think sending a text is ok, but the percentage (even among college students) is pretty low.

Facebook
There is a wide range of opinions on when to announce to the world via Facebook that you are in a relationship. Opinions vary by gender and age (big shocker there) with men generally thinking it’s ok to announce a relationship sooner than women (ooh, that is a surprise…).

In my expert opinion, there is a delicate balance here. You certainly don’t want to announce this too soon and freak out the other person who isn’t ready for you to tell the world. And you don’t want to seem too reluctant to post it if the both of you are in a committed relationship. On the third hand, if it doesn’t last and you change your status back to single there will be lots of questions and comments. I’m going with the 13/G rule: If you don’t want your 13-year-old sister and your grandmother to know, don’t post it. (I KNOW your sister isn’t 13—that’s not the point.)

Sexting
The answer—the only answer—is no. Not now, not then, not ever. Yes, other people are doing it, but fewer than you think according to this survey. And they shouldn’t. You’re in college—you’re smarter than that.

Go with friexting (pronounced frexting; friend-texting G-rated photos of oneself—I just made it up).

Send a photo of your gorgeous smiling face, or your hands making a heart or spelling I Love You in sign language. Send a photo of the two of you holding hands or the sign on the place where you went on your first date. All say “I’m thinking of you” and none will get you arrested.

Have a wonderful time at college. Remember the quote from the Blind Side (yes, that one) and put your phone away on dates.

Love, Mom