Dear Kid,

Have you ever had your eye start twitching for no apparent reason? Mine started twitching yesterday. Right in the middle of a meeting.

I quickly put my hand up to hold down the twitch—I didn’t want people to think I was winking at them.

“What are you doing?” someone asked. Apparently I wasn’t quite as subtle as I thought. On the plus side, I managed to turn the conversation from budgets to eye twitching. And I learned that while I thought I was doing a full-scale eyelid wave, no one had noticed what were actually teeny baby itsy bitsy micro-twitches.

According to My Friend the Internet there are a number of reasons your eye might start twitching. I investigated each.

Eyestrain. That seems entirely reasonable. Strain your eyes, and your overworked muscle twitches. It happens with biceps why not eyeballs. On the other hand, I wasn’t lifting eye-weights or staring at microscopic print. Probably not eyestrain.

Fatigue. Let’s see. Tired eye, tries to close, turns out doing rapid blinky thing? Reasonable, but I’m not any more tired than usual.

Caffeine. Too much caffeine can make your eyes twitch. What does that mean “too much caffeine”? Too busy laughing to take this one seriously.

Dry eyes. Why on earth would my eyelid enjoy scraping against my arid eye so much it would go to afterburners? No question that my eyes are dry. But again, no more than usual.

Allergies. Which can make your eyes dry or watery (a confusing conundrum). My allergy meds probably rule this out.

Pinkeye. Pretty sure I would have noticed the other pinkeye symptoms.

Stress. Duh. But no more than usual.

Because. Just because. That must be it. At least, it’s the answer I like best.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you heard of eyelash perms? Clearly, I’m behind the times, because I hadn’t heard of this trendy beauty treatment until recently.

The idea is straightforward—like your eyelashes before the treatment. Well, not your eyelashes. You have gorgeous lashes. Sigh.

But not all of us have beautiful, thick, upturned lashes.

Back in the day, those of us that wanted curly hair but weren’t blessed with cooperative locks got our hair permed. The process went something like this.

Sit in the salon chair for about 73 hours while someone painstakingly rolled tiny bits of your hair in individual curlers. Squinch your eyes tightly closed while the stylist soaks your head with perm solution. Mop the drippy part out of your eyes, off your forehead, and off the very back of your neck where it wanted to trickle the most. Wait. Pretend your scalp doesn’t itch or burn. Repeat while the neutralizer was applied. Wash, cut, dry, have curly hair.

Then go through the whole thing again when the curls grow out. Because if you think growing out bangs is hard, it is nothing compared to growing out a perm.

So it was a long, uncomfortable process with results that were (in hindsight) something of a fashion mistake. Faux curly hair was not necessarily a good choice.

On the other hand, there is no question that gently curled eyelashes are a good choice. They make your eyes look bigger and more alert. This is why we spend countless minutes every day curling our lashes and slathering on mascara.

At least some of us do.

So the idea of permanently curled lashes seemed worth investigating.

Until I figured out that what was uncomfortable on my head would be ridiculous on my eyeballs. Can you imagine someone rolling your lashes on tiny little rollers and then pouring ouch-y stuff on your eyes?

And here’s the kicker—the chemicals can cause your lashes to break—entire effort, defeated.

And here’s the double kicker—even if it works perfectly, your lashes will grow out, fall out, and in just a few months you’ll be back to straight eyelashes.

All in all, I’m sticking to an old fashioned curler and a boatload of mascara.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

An eyelash has taken up residence in my eye.

This is not good.

It’s not that I don’t like eyelashes. Some of my best ocular accessories are eyelashes. It’s just that I prefer them in their normal location doused with tons of mascara.

Floating around my eyeball is not the prefered (or even acceptable) location for any foreign debris, eyelashes included.

It is truly amazing how something so small and seemingly insignificant can cause such crazy annoyance discomfort pain.

Pebbles in shoes are the same sort of thing. Little tiny object, big huge problem.

The difference is that taking a pebble out of a shoe is generally a relatively straightforward process. Trying to dig out an eyelash generally requires 6 people, 2 mirrors, a bright light, and a lot of frustration. It’s surgery without the equipment or skills.

Eyelashes are stubborn things. I’m convinced that when they fall into your eye they excrete a glue-like substance that keeps them attached to the cornea. Or that guides them into a corner of your eye from which they absolutely, positively cannot be extracted.

Which is frustrating.

And annoying uncomfortable painful.

I’m going to go find some mirrors and bright light.

Love, Mom