Dear Kid,

My body and I are arguing a lot these days.

Body: Let’s eat cake!
Me: No.
Body: Let’s eat cookies!
Me: No.
Body: Let’s eat chocolate!
Me: No.
Body: Remind me again why I hang out with you?

Me: Tell the fat cells to go.
Body: Not so much.
Me: This is an eviction notice for the fat cells.
Body: But they live here!
Me: That’s the point. They are no longer welcome.
Body: I think I’ll keep them anyway.

Me: Get up and get moving.
Body: I got up and got moving yesterday.
Me: We have to do it again.
Body: I beg to differ.
Me: It’s not really optional.
Body: Yeah? Just try moving without me.

Body: I hurt.
Me: You don’t hurt. We went to the gym yesterday.
Body: I hurt.
Me: You feel energized.
Body: I think we’re using a different dictionary.

Body: It is time to eat.
Me: We just ate.
Body: It is time to eat again.
Me: It is time to clean the kitchen.
Body: My idea is better.
Me: True. But…
Body: So we eat!
Me: No.
Body: The cookies are tempting….
Me: Yes, but…
Body: We could just have one.
Me: Now I know you’re toying with me.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

New Year’s Resolutions can be very hard to keep. Yesterday I listed 7 that I realized I had no interest in keeping even as I wrote them. After that, I realized that the ability to keep resolutions has very little to do with willpower and everything to do with how you write the resolutions in the first place.

Therefore, I’ve created a list of resolutions I will absolutely, positively keep.

In 2016, I resolve

1. To wake up—at least once a day.
2. Not to buy purple shoes in size 5 (I wear a 7 ½).
3. To shop for a new pair of rain boots (possibly to even find a pair I like).
4. To eat on a regular basis.
5. To root for the Bengals—no matter what.
6. To walk at least a mile. Every month. (Isn’t it wonderful having a Fitbit that can measure these things?)
7. To stay on a diet. For at least 6 minutes.
8. Not to remodel the kitchen.
9. Not to go into the attic in our house (in the 18 years we’ve lived here, I’ve never once ventured up there and I see no reason to start now).
10. To see at least one movie (made for TV movies count).

See how easy it can be to keep resolutions? Bet you’re not going to buy size 5 purple pumps either…

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Still having Fitbit issues.

As a fashion accessory, I love it. It’s chic, it’s purple, and it’s mine.

As a toy, it’s fantastic. I push the button and I get all sorts of data. Heaven.

As a tracker of calories, I’m pretty sure we have a colossal #Fail.

Lemme ‘splain.

I am what you might call “an active person.” For example, yesterday I did all sorts of physically active things.

I sat. I stood. I walked. I wandered. I showered. I sat some more. I baked. I ate. I drank. I watched TV. I ate some more. I walked the Puppy. I wrote. I read what I wrote. I read things I didn’t write. I cleaned (not really). I sorted. I tracked. I went to the gym. I worked out. I texted. I telephoned. I washed the Puppy. I glared. I growled. I grimaced. I grinned. I coffeed. I calculated. I computed.

In short, I used a lot of verbs.

According to my highly scientific assessment and calculations, I burned 4,827 calories yesterday. According to my Fitbit, I burned 62.

Just kidding. My Fitbit said I burned 1,628 calories.

Either way, do you see my problem? There is a HUGE discrepancy!

I prefer my methodology to Fitbit’s algorithm.

No, that’s not exactly true. I don’t really care which method we use. I just like my answer better.

According to my logic, I lost 8 pounds yesterday. According to my scale, I need to wear stretchy-waist pants.

Which means my scale and my Fitbit are in cahoots.

If those two little devices are collaborating, we are in really big trouble.

But being a generous kind of girl, I’m giving my Fitbit another chance.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The Thanksgiving weekend is officially ending today. Which is good, because even while we enjoyed every minute of visiting and eating (and eating and eating) we (the collective we) need time to slim back down before the next holiday feast arrives. Which it will. Sooner than my waist will be ready.

Unofficially of course the weekend continues. The shopping, the football, the leftovers (well, not so much in the way of leftovers), the shopping, the traveling, and did I mention the shopping?

Tomorrow is Cyber Monday, but many retailers are offering online deals starting tonight. You should ignore all of them because you are a college student and therefore you should be A) studying and B) hoarding your pennies to pay for things like food.

Some of us have eaten enough wonderful food in the last several days to last us a while. You, however, are a metabolic machine and need to be fed on a regular basis. By not shopping online you can stretch your budget further (more about that tomorrow from our special guest blogger) and avoid all the malware that is expected to hit the web tomorrow.

It’s been wonderful having a few days to spend with you. You are a Most Wonderful Child Adult Child and it is always good to have time to visit.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Did I mention the sheer quantity of food I’ve encountered in Dallas? It’s been good, but mostly there’s been an excessive amount of it.

Fortunately, the hotel has a Fitness Center. Well, more Center than fitness. Actually, more Ness than Fit.

It has perfect music—if your idea of great music to work out to is Harry Chapin and elevator jazz.

Despite the now-it’s-working-now-it’s-not aspect of the elliptical, I managed to get a decent workout in.

And by “decent” I mean I burned at least 87 calories.

Did I mention the abundance of food? I figure I ate at least 8,700 calories today. Before we went out for dinner.

So clearly, working out made a huge difference.

I probably lost at least 3 pounds, right?

Love, Mom