The following conversation took place yesterday via text with my friend Sue.
Sue: Do ½ price jelly beans have ½ the calories? What if I only eat half the bag at a time?
Me: You misunderstand. Jelly beans are a holiday food. Therefore they are holy. So the calories fall through the holes. No calories.
Me: Gorging much?
Sue: I couldn’t resist. They were ½ price.
Me: Makes perfect sense to me.
Sue: Inconveniently forgot about dentist appointment this afternoon. Multi-colored tongue is probably a dead giveaway.
Me: Think of it as job security for the dentists.
Sue: Like that’s my biggest concern.
Me: Think of it as oral art.
Sue: Making one dentist’s life more beautiful.
Me: Did you offer him a jelly bean?
Sue: Getting my teeth cleaned and a crown. I hope the gems in the crown are made of jelly beans.
Me: Did you watch The Royals?
Sue: Did I what?
Me: Never mind. Let it go. Let it go!
Sue: It would also be convenient if I could be deaf at the dentist for 3 reasons. 1- I wouldn’t hear those dreadful gadgets. 2- I wouldn’t hear him ask questions about summer vacation which I can’t answer because his hands are halfway down my esophagus. 3- I wouldn’t have to hear him ask (again) if I floss every day.
Me: Do you think dentists get tired of people lying about how often they floss?
Sue: Maybe it’s the dentists who are deaf when patients arrive.
Me: Or maybe they use jelly beans as earplugs.
Sue: This is the burial place for the rest of the damn jelly beans.