Posts Tagged "crown"

How I Really Want the World To Be (And How It Actually Is)

Dear Kid,

I’ve finally figured out the problem with Life, the Universe, and Everything (extra points if you get the reference).

The problem is that the Way I Want the World To Be is not (unfortunately) the Way the World Is.

Which is sad.

For example, the Way I Want the World To Be is I can eat as much chocolate as I want and still lose weight. The Way the World Actually Is is that my scale says, “Bwah ha hahahahahaha. Ha.”

The Way I Want the World to Be is elves show up to clean the house. The Way the World Actually Is is the dust dragons say “Mwahhhhhahhahahaha.”

There is the distinct possibility that the chocolate and the elves have both been eaten by the dust dragons.

The Way I Want the World to Be is people taking care of their animals in a safe and loving way. The Way the World Actually Is is Rescue Shelters.

The Way I Want the World to Be is me sleeping half an hour later than usual because I have everything ready and I don’t have any early meetings. The Way the World Actually Is is me up at 4:45am because Awake Happened.

Which part of Queen of the World is hard to understand? DearKidLoveMom.comThe Way I Want the World to Be is I’m Queen of the World (or at least my own little part of it). The Way the World Actually Is is that I’m Queen of the World (at least my own little—very little—part of it). Well, more like I’m Queen of my car when I’m the only one in it.

I’ll take what I can get. At least until the rest of the world catches up.

Love, Mom

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The Truth About Jelly Beans, Dentists, and Crowns

Dear Kid,

The following conversation took place yesterday via text with my friend Sue.

Sue: Do ½ price jelly beans have ½ the calories? What if I only eat half the bag at a time?

Me: You misunderstand. Jelly beans are a holiday food. Therefore they are holy. So the calories fall through the holes. No calories.

Jelly Beans!!! DearKidLoveMom.comSue: At least if I throw up at this point it will be pretty.

Me: Gorging much?

Sue: I couldn’t resist. They were ½ price.

Me: Makes perfect sense to me.

Sue: Inconveniently forgot about dentist appointment this afternoon. Multi-colored tongue is probably a dead giveaway.

Me: Think of it as job security for the dentists.

Sue: Like that’s my biggest concern.

Me: Think of it as oral art.

Sue: Making one dentist’s life more beautiful.

Me: Did you offer him a jelly bean?

Sue: Getting my teeth cleaned and a crown. I hope the gems in the crown are made of jelly beans.

Me: Did you watch The Royals?

Sue: Did I what?

Me: Never mind. Let it go. Let it go!

Sue: It would also be convenient if I could be deaf at the dentist for 3 reasons. 1- I wouldn’t hear those dreadful gadgets. 2- I wouldn’t hear him ask questions about summer vacation which I can’t answer because his hands are halfway down my esophagus. 3- I wouldn’t have to hear him ask (again) if I floss every day.

Me: Do you think dentists get tired of people lying about how often they floss?

Sue: Maybe it’s the dentists who are deaf when patients arrive.

Me: Or maybe they use jelly beans as earplugs.

Sue: This is the burial place for the rest of the damn jelly beans.

Jelly Bean Burial Place DearKidLoveMom.com

The final burial place for the rest of the jelly beans…

Love, Mom

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