Dear Kid,

Madison Avenue thinks I am A) old and B) falling apart.

“Madison Avenue” is where all the advertising companies used to be, so saying Madison Avenue means advertising.

It seems all the commercials I’m seeing on TV are targeted at those over 150.

There is nothing wrong with aging (except the extra cost of hair color). I consider getting old far better than the alternative.

On the other hand, there is nothing particularly flattering about being considered old by the advertisers.

No, I do not need life insurance targeted to those over 80 (You cannot be turned down!). Nor do I require medication that allows me to get up in the morning, go to bed at night, or do any of the activities of daily living that people sometimes require medication for.

No, I do not wish to discuss retirement options. No, I don’t need consultations about Medicare (or any of its various parts).

Madison Avenue thinks I am old and falling apart.

Or possibly, I am watching the same shows that people who are old and falling apart are watching….

Love, Mom

P.S. Happy Anniversary to those young people!

Dear Kid,

It’s Super Bowl Sunday (which is almost as good as Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day but with better TV coverage). Not only are the traditional bets in play (who will win, who will lose, who will come out on top in the office square betting), but prop bets are going crazy.

You remember about Prop Bets right? They are the fabulously funky bets about everything other than the score of the game. Here are some of my faves available this year.

Note: You are a college student without lots of excess cash. All your bets should be for things like who washes the dishes after dinner, who takes out the trash this week, or other non-monetary consequences.

The second best prop bet for this year is how many times “dab” or “dabbing” will be said by announcers during the broadcast. Yes, I know what dabbing is (read here if you don’t) because I am twelve kinds of cool and I looked it up weeks ago. I don’t intend to count, but the betting is over two or under two and it’s hard to imagine they’ll say it less than twice. (NOTE: Halftime doesn’t count.)

The best prop bet for this year is whether “Left Shark” will make an appearance during halftime. You can also bet on which song Cold Play will play first (but not whether they’ll be cold), and what color shoes Beyoncé will be wearing.

Peyton Manning things you can bet on include whether he’ll announce his retirement in the post-game interview, whether he’ll throw a pick 6, and if he’ll be seen crying at any point during the broadcast.

Speaking of post-game interviews, you can bet on who the Super Bowl MVP will mention first (God, team, city/fans, coach, family, or something else).

You can place bets on a zillion things related to the coin toss, three zillion things related to kickers and punters, and five zillion things related to when scoring happens.

You can bet on whether Cam Newton will break the Super Bowl record for must rushing yards by a QB (see “dabbing” above).

You can—I swear I am not making this up—bet on the exact outcome of who wins the Super Bowl AND who wins the presidential election. You can bet on the Carolina Panthers winning the Super Bowl and the Golden State Warriors winning the NBA title. You can bet on whether the goals in the Montreal/Carolina NHL game February 7^th will be higher than the total number of receptions by Greg Olsen, and whether the Arsenal goals February 7 will be higher than the number of Peyton Manning TD passes.

You can bet about whether Mike Carey will be wrong about a challenge, whether there will be an earthquake during the game, and how long the national anthem will be.

You cannot—as far as I know—bet on whether your mother will stay awake to watch the entire game or what commercial people will be talking about tomorrow.

Happy Super Bowl.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Just in case you weren’t keeping up with the Calendar of Events, I should remind you that today is Embrace Your Geekness Day.

For the record, spell check is not a fan of “Geekness.”

In this era when toddlers walk around with outrageous amounts of computing power in their hands, the idea of geekiness continues to morph.

Just a few years ago, it was geeky to text. A few years before that, only the geekiest had their own laptop.

There was a time (brace yourself) when only geeks had cell phones.

Now it’s not even geeky to have an Apple watch. (Expensive, yes; geeky, no.)

Today is also Fool’s Paradise Day. Fool’s Paradise is a phrase that has been around for a long time, but has recently been made more famous by the adorable couple in the Swiffer commercial. I hope Morty and Lee (she’s 90) are celebrating today by dancing together on their clean floor.

Tomorrow is National Nude Day and Pandemonium Day. Yep, seems to me they go together. Enough said.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

A huge raspberry (pthhhhhhtttttt) to HP for their directions on how to install Windows 8, and a HUGE Thank You to Tom M at Microcenter for all his help, especially the part about how when the directions say “do this” it actually means “do nothing.”

Yes, it is true. I bought a new computer. We’ll be playing taps for the dead one later today. And I now have the great joy of learning Windows 8 (any tips?). My new laptop has all kinds of gizmos, most notably a fingerprint scanner. Don’t have any idea when I would use it, but the concept has me six kinds of entertained. (Seriously, a fingerprint scanner.) I asked Tom if it had a retina scanner too, but it doesn’t. Then I asked him if it had a mustache scanner–and it turns out he doesn’t have cable so has never seen the Snapple commercial which is very sad. So Tom, for you my patient friend, here is the Snapple Half and Half commercial with the mustache scanner at 17 seconds.

In other news, there is a new word in the techy world (new to me anyway): phablet. Which is a combination of phone, tablet, and spit.

We have come a looooong way from the first computer (invented in 1936–did you know that? Now you do.).

HP, Google, Microsoft, and Apple were all started in garages. I’m sure there is something funny about that. Don’t know what. Suggestions welcome.

The first domain name ever registered was Symbolics.com. (Random factlet.)

In 1963 (a very good year), Doug Engelbart invented the computer mouse–made from wood if you can believe it. My happy mouse is  built into my computer and doesn’t give me splinters.

Now I have to figure out how to use this machine. (Again, thank you Tom for the in-store tutorial.) I’m sure there will be some bumps along the way, but I also know it can’t possibly be as difficult as Vista (it took me days to figure out how to print in Vista).

Happy Today!

Love, Mom