Dear Kid,

As I believe I mentioned, the fabulous Girlfriendology is moving to a new home (one substantially closer to me—so yay!). I therefore started thinking about housewarming presents. I had this same problem the last time she moved (here’s the link in case you don’t remember). Finding the right gift hasn’t gotten any easier…

First I thought of the obvious: coffee with me! But since she is (did I mention?) moving closer, I’m pretty sure that’s going to happen sooner or later.

So I consulted My Friend the Internet for thoughts on more traditional housewarming gifts.

“Candles…so your house will always have light.” Girlfriendology has more candles in her house than a menorah farm (no, I’ve never seen a menorah farm, but I have an active imagination); it would be like bringing coals to Newcastle.

Warning: Knowledge Alert!

“Carrying coals to Newcastle” is a thing. More to the point it is a cliché. Newcastle upon Tyne (I do love how the British name their towns) in northeast England was a huge coal mining town. The idea of taking coal there would have to be something created by the Department of Redundancy Department Department. Totally unnecessary and pointless. Like taking chocolate to Hershey, PA only with more emphasis on pollution and less on calories.

“Salt…to add to the flavor of life.” Salt. Salt? Seriously? Have you read a health article recently?

“Bread…so that this house may never know hunger.” Carbs. Yeah. Right. Brilliant.

“Sugar…so your life may always have sweetness.” Quite possibly only the most addictive substance on the planet and you want me to give it to a friend? Next idea.

“Honey…” Same symbology as sugar. Same chemical issue. Better packaging.

“Broom…to sweep away any evil.” The thought of me giving anyone a cleaning implement made me double over laughing.

“Wine…so you will always be of good cheer.” Two Buck Chuck doesn’t sound like a great gift idea. And Girlfriendology knows far more about wine than I do.

Coffee with me it is!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Huzzah!

Much good has been going on in the world.

American Pharoah did the near-impossible and won the Triple Crown in glorious style and will presumably pass on the trip to Disney (isn’t that where all major sporting event winners go?), hang up his racing shoes, and go on to become a gigolo stud. Because like all major sports, horse racing is about money, and one doesn’t want one’s star stud getting hurt or – God forbid – losing (which would drop his stud fees like the New Year’s Eve ball in Times Square).

Canada celebrated Sepp Blatter’s resignation and the start of the women’s soccer world cup by beating China in the first game. Talk to Dad about the officiating. He has Opinions. Other Countries play today and the US enters the fray tomorrow. Dad will doubtless (without a doubt) provide me with more details than necessary which I will probably not pass along to you.

Yesterday was National Yo-Yo Day which had its ups and downs (sorry, couldn’t help myself).

Today is National Chocolate Ice Cream Day which seems a bit redundant (isn’t every day chocolate ice cream day? Who needs a declaration?).

And tomorrow is Best Friend Day. For the record, you can have more than one best friend at a time. I know this flies in the face of “best”-ness, but for once I believe we should use a looser interpretation of the word. (Yes, it’s still me writing.)

Have a great day sweetie.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Had a great day in Las Vegas yesterday. We took the monorail to the south end of the strip, where we first went to M&M World.

We saw a wonderful 3D movie about Red losing his M. I loved it!

And never forget Vegas is about gambling (even for M&Ms).

Then we went to the Coca Cola store where we saw T-Shirts made out of recycled bottles and I had a Diet Coke (I know you’re stunned).

After that we walked over to the Hershey Store (because M&Ms weren’t enough chocolate –obviously),

after which we had lunch in the Rainforest Café.

I’m leaving out all the other stores we went into—you’re welcome.

After lunch we came back to Bally’s where we arranged tickets for Vinnie Favorito’s show. In case you aren’t up to date on Vegas comedy, Vinnie does a stand up routine where he tells a few jokes (Two blondes walked into a building. You’d have thought one of them would have seen it.) and then makes fun of pretty much everyone in the audience and everyone in the world. He also says F*** a lot. He was absolutely hilarious and we had a wonderful time.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Word around the dining room table is that Pi’s double crusted fudge is delicious and you should ask her to make some when you get home. It is not something that will ship well. In fact, it’s probably the kind of thing that will end up dripping through the box and cause the postal inspectors to send it though the “caution” line and then when they open it they’ll be overcome with delicious chocolate fumes and never get their work done for the day. So to keep the postal system running (cough) as efficiently as ever, you’ll have to wait until you’re here.

We had a lovely dinner with some of Pi’s friends last night. It was so lovely that the Puppy brought about half of his toys into the dining room. I’m not sure if he wanted to share or he was just showing off his wealth. In any event, he had a reasonable amount of cleaning up to do before bedtime.

One of the great benefits of having people for dinner (besides the food) is that we take the time to clean up. I really wish I didn’t hate cleaning so much—I love the look and feel of the house when it’s all fluffed and sparkly clean.

One of the great downsides of having people for dinner (besides a very full tummy) is that we take the time to clean up. Not only did I end up with two chipped fingernails, I have a Big Pile to deal with. The Big Pile (that is now on my bed) used to be a Whole Bunch of Piles in the kitchen—where I was able to easily find everything.

I think I’m sort of like a squirrel in that regard. No one else knows where things are, but I can find each piece of paper. Except for the ones I forget about, and they grow into oak trees.

But once all those piles are consolidated, I have no idea where things are and/or what Needs To Be Dealt With Immediately.

I should probably go through the Big Pile, but I’m still exhausted from all that cleaning.

Love, Mom

The Menu (just in case you wanted to know)

Appetizers: chips, salsa, cheese dip in bread bowl, pretzels, crudite

Dinner: Penne with sauce, rolls, salad, croutons (yep, they were served separately)

Dessert: Coffee, tea, pineapple upside down cake, double crusted fudge

Dear Kid,

It is the day after heart day. Which of the following is the correct definition?

1. Half Price Chocolate and Roses Day
2. Day after Too Much Pressure to Be Romantic Day
3. Sunday
4. Leave Me Alone—I’m a College Kid and Still Sleeping

Amazingly, Dad and I did not bring home a new furry friend from the My Furry Valentine Event yesterday, but we did meet lots of nice babies (and by “babies” I mean four legged friends looking for a forever home).

There was another entire room with cats and we were told there were also snakes and rabbits and perhaps other things. On the off chance that there might have been spiders and the absolute certainty that Dad’s allergies would not have been amused in the cat room, we stuck to the canine portion of the event.

I was amazed at how many organizations were there either with animals for adoption or with products and services for those animals for adoption. I was even more amazed at the number of people who were there. It was absolutely mobbed. By the time Dad and I left (before noon on the first day of a two day event), over 50 pets had been adopted.

Congrats to everyone especially the phoDOGrapher who organized the event.

Booker sniffed us a bit when we got home, but didn’t really have anything to say about our “cheating.” Yes, I was a little surprised too.

Guests coming for dinner tonight so must go get the shovel and start cleaning.

Love, Mom