We are having a catastrophe. Of catastrophic proportions. Worse, far worse, than anything that has hit the globe in your lifetime.
We are headed for a chocolate crisis. More specifically, we are headed for a lack of chocolate crisis. Of epic proportions.
Apparently, we’re already in a chocolate deficit. Which means we ate 70,000 metric tons more chocolate than the world produced last year. I am reasonably sure that I (personally) contributed to the crisis. And apparently chocolate makers have watched me in their crystal ball because they are predicting a 20 million metric ton deficit by 2030.
Mathematically speaking, I’m confused. We’re in a honking long streak of chocolate deficit years, so at some point one would think we’d a) run out of reserves and b) get tired of stale chocolate. It’s not like the Central Bank where they just make money out of thin air and paper. You actually have to have chocolate to eat chocolate.
One reason for the deficit is the frosty pod fungus (clearly a made up disease named by fantasy genre writers). Another is that growing cocoa is hard and insufficiently profitable compared to other crops like corn. And the biggest “problem” is that we’re eating more chocolate. (As Grandma points out, chocolate is a vegetable, so it’s good for you.)
As you doubtless know, falling supply plus increase demand means chocolate prices are going to skyrocket (they’re already up considerably).
Being the kind of mom I am, I have taken the liberty of coming up with some solutions to this impending disaster.
1. Stop Eating Chocolate. Yeah, right. Next!
2. Get Everyone Else to Stop Eating Chocolate. Only slightly more likely.
3. Remortgage the House to provide funding for my chocolate habit.
Love ya’ kid, but I’ve got to run to the bank now.