Dear Kid,

I admit it. I have bad habits.

I don’t always get 8 hours of sleep. I don’t floss my teeth every day (job security for my dentist). I watch too much bad TV. I rarely say no to chocolate. And I generally don’t take my makeup off at night.

I am not recommending any of these habits. They’re my bad habits, and if you choose to borrow them you do so at your own risk.

Not taking off makeup isn’t really smart. Makeup can clog pores and lead to acne and all sorts of other rotten stuff. Except it doesn’t on my face. There’s no secret except not wearing too much makeup and good genetics. (Thanks mom!)

I generally take off my makeup from yesterday in the morning. Only I didn’t today.

But I have a really good excuse: I was studying chemistry.

More specifically, I was reading a blog about chemistry (sounds more believable already, doesn’t it?).

I hereby pronounce myself the newest fan of Yvette d’Entremont at scibabe.com and here’s the article I was reading.

The thing is, Yvette is not a fan of people who make things up and claim they are talking science.

I’m pretty sure she’ll be ok with my nonsense since when I make things up I say so (which is most of the time) and when I make things up and don’t say so I generally attribute them to Mrs. Joe Neanderthal and if you can’t figure out that I don’t have a direct research line to Mrs. Joe then you have bigger problems than worrying about whether she invented grilled cheese or not.

Anyhoo, Yvette the Science Babe was debunking some of the things (and by “some of the things” I mean every dang word) written by Vani Hari, AKA the Food Babe, who is to science as I am to morning exercise—we’ve heard of each other, but have absolutely no plans to hang out.

Apparently, Hari is marching against any and all chemicals in food. Which is weird since (as I understand it) all food is chemical. Yvette wondered if anyone had told Hari about dihydrogen monoxide. (See, I told you there was chemistry involved.)

In case it is too early for your brain cells to be awake, I will spare you the embarrassment of asking: dihydrogen monoxide is water. H2O. The good stuff.

It was a long article and consequently I had no time to remove yesterday’s makeup with dihydrogen monoxide or makeup remover. So I had to commit yet another sin and slather on today’s layers over yesterday’s. It’s terrible, but I like to think of it as building up an archeological dig for later makeup removal. The experts tell you to layer fragrance, so I say why not borrow from the experts?

The truth is, I’ll have dark circles under my eyes all day. But since I plan to go around saying dihydrogen monoxide as many times as possible, I’m hoping people attribute it to my brilliance (she must have been up working all night) rather than to my bad habits.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

I don’t understand people taking drugs whose main effect seems to be inducing vomiting and trying to convince people to kill them. Maybe I’m just behind the times.

There was an article in the Cincinnati Enquirer last week about just such an episode. The hallucinating man (who was all of 18 years old) had been smoking (get this) a strawberry air freshener “most of the day.”

Who wakes up in the morning and says, “Gee, I think I’ll smoke an air freshener today?” How do people come up with this stuff?

There is a new rule that bans the possession or sale of PB22 and 5F-PB22. Those are the chemical compounds our genius was smoking, and they are often sprayed on plants to mimic the high of marijuana. There are also laws banning the use of synthetic drugs that mimic the effects of marijuana, cocaine, and methamphetamine. This is a good thing.

But just as soon as laws, rules, regulations, and mothers go to work, chemists start tweaking formulas to skirt the law. Brilliant (please note the sarcasm font).

To be clear, vomiting and hallucinating are not nearly as bad as certain death from krokodil, but they are certainly not good. And no one knows what they are doing to brain cells, or what they might cause people to do (begging police to kill you falls under the “not good” category, imho).

A reminder to use your chemistry skills for good.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

In honor of the fact that finals are soon to be upon us (and by “us” I mean you), I thought I’d lighten the mood a bit by providing topical humor. Specifically, Chemistry Jokes.

Did you hear that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out? OMG they’re a couple.

I didn’t say they were brilliant, just that they are chemistry jokes. Because chemistry jokes are sodium funny. (I didn’t make that up, but I kinda wish I had.)

Oxygen went on a date with potassium. It went OK.

No reaction to chemistry jokes so far? I’ll keep trying.

Why do chemists like nitrates so much? They’re cheaper than day rates.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, then you might as well barium.

Is funny, is funny.

Helium walks into a bar, and the bar tender says “We don’t serve noble gasses in here.” Helium doesn’t react.

Two chemists go into a restaurant. The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too” — and he died.

What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe

Come on. How many moms do you know that look up chemistry jokes for her Kid? Especially when she only understands about half of them.

A proton and a neutron are walking down the street. The proton says, “Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it.” The neutron says “Are you sure?” The proton replies “I’m positive.”

Is silicon the same in Spanish? Si.

Q: If H₂O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H₂O cubed.

You should feel free to smile rather than rolling your eyes at me. I know you are, even if i can’t see you.

The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

That one I like a lot. I might even try to remember it…

(Fe)male: Male with iron added for greater strength, ductility, and magnetism.

What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?
He was booked for a salt and battery.

Little Timmy took a drink, but he will drink no more. For what he thought was H₂O was H₂SO₄.

(It’s funnier once you look up H₂SO₄ and discover it’s sulfuric acid.)

Hope today is full of giggles. But don’t overreact if it isn’t.

Happy Studying.

Love, Mom