Dear Kid,

Overheard randomly at work.

Coworker A: I thought about spontaneously buying a house this weekend
Coworker B: What?!
Coworker A: Yep.
Coworker B: When I want to spontaneously buy something, I get Tic Tacs, not a house!

Speaking of Tic Tacs, there are now Minion Tic Tacs. Please do NOT buy them for me, but I think it is hilarious that they exist. Guess what flavor? Banana! Shout out to friend Crystal who dropped everything to let me know about the commercial for them.

Speaking of Things Not to Buy for Me and Tic Tacs, did you know there are also pizza flavored Tic Tacs? I have no idea why, but there are. At least according to the images on Google. (I couldn’t find any reference to pizza flavors on the Tic Tac website.)

Turns out the Tic Tac people (who are not paying me to write this post, but probably should be) have a sense of humor. For example, their description of Wintermint Tic Tacs says that they checked with the corporate lawyers who are fine with people enjoying wintermint during all the seasons.

Happy Monday!

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The following conversation took place yesterday via text with my friend Sue.

Sue: Do ½ price jelly beans have ½ the calories? What if I only eat half the bag at a time?

Me: You misunderstand. Jelly beans are a holiday food. Therefore they are holy. So the calories fall through the holes. No calories.

Sue: At least if I throw up at this point it will be pretty.

Me: Gorging much?

Sue: I couldn’t resist. They were ½ price.

Me: Makes perfect sense to me.

Sue: Inconveniently forgot about dentist appointment this afternoon. Multi-colored tongue is probably a dead giveaway.

Me: Think of it as job security for the dentists.

Sue: Like that’s my biggest concern.

Me: Think of it as oral art.

Sue: Making one dentist’s life more beautiful.

Me: Did you offer him a jelly bean?

Sue: Getting my teeth cleaned and a crown. I hope the gems in the crown are made of jelly beans.

Me: Did you watch The Royals?

Sue: Did I what?

Me: Never mind. Let it go. Let it go!

Sue: It would also be convenient if I could be deaf at the dentist for 3 reasons. 1- I wouldn’t hear those dreadful gadgets. 2- I wouldn’t hear him ask questions about summer vacation which I can’t answer because his hands are halfway down my esophagus. 3- I wouldn’t have to hear him ask (again) if I floss every day.

Me: Do you think dentists get tired of people lying about how often they floss?

Sue: Maybe it’s the dentists who are deaf when patients arrive.

Me: Or maybe they use jelly beans as earplugs.

Sue: This is the burial place for the rest of the damn jelly beans.

The final burial place for the rest of the jelly beans…

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

We have a new project underway at house. Pi has decided (after much deliberation, calendar juggling, and mind changing) that she would like to have a Sweet Sixteen Party. The good news? She wants to have it at our house. The complication? She’s planning it.

Since (being a boy) you didn’t have a Sweet Sixteen (why is it that boys don’t have sweet sixteen parties? You were awfully sweet when you were 16 years old.) I thought it might be Important to Your Education to have some insight into how this happens.

Therefore, I have created a summary for you of the planning that has taken place over the last two days. I’m just that kind of a mom.

How to Plan a Sweet Sixteen Party in 16 Easy Steps

1. Create a guest list
2. Worry that there are too many people on the guest list
3. Design and order invitations
4. Plan enough food for 6 times the number of invited guests
5. Add 403 different types of candy to the party planning list. Remind your mother that candy is mandatory because it is a SWEET 16
6. Select complicated recipes for your mother to prepare because you only have the use of one arm
7. Announce that you don’t like cake
8. Decide that you need a 16 layer cake without cake in it
9. Figure out the first three layers. Leave the rest for your mother to figure out
10. Review the menu in stunning detail. Agree to remove one food item
11. Plan decorations that will take a year to install and require another mortgage to pay for. Assume the elves will take care of it
12. Worry that no one will attend because of other events that weekend
13. Review the menu again. After arm wrestling (using the arm in the sling) with your mother, agree to remove one more food item from the list. Retaliate by mentioning that you have three recipes for macaroni and cheese which need to be taste tested before the party.
14. Remind your mother you will need new shoes for the party. Appear shocked when your mother raises an eyebrow
15. Create a detailed plan for tracking RSVPs. Assure you mother people will probably RSVP. Maybe
16. Smile contentedly and begin texting

See how simple it is?

Stand by for changes and alterations.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Remember Sweethearts candies? They are the small candies (sometimes known as conversation hearts) that were crazy fun when we were little and which taste like chalk that had a lot of sugar mixed in. In my mind, they are synonymous with Valentine’s Day.

Once upon a time in 1847, there were no conversation hearts (more about that tomorrow). Then Daniel Chase figured out a way to use food dye to press tiny little messages onto the candy his brother, Oliver, made. Oliver just happened to be the founder of Necco.

Sweethearts are now available in a variety of assortments to choose from including chocolate, tart, and smoothie flavors.

Sweethearts were probably the forerunner of and inspiration for texting and twitter. They were tiny little messages of under 140 characters. Way under. And you didn’t have a lot of control over the message beyond combing through the box to find just the right phrase for someone.

Over the years, Sweethearts messages have changed to keep up with the times. “Tweet me” was definitely not on candy when I was your age (just a few short years ago). Not only does Necco print messages for you to share at random, you can now also order hearts printed with whatever you want — provided it fits. Although (at least for the box I bought) they are not using dye anymore (which is just wrong).

Valentine candy “conversation hearts” have a shelf life of five years. I prefer not to think about that.

Necco manufactures 8 billion (yup, billion) Sweethearts a year. Which is a lot of talkative candy.

The other big candy for Valentine’s Day is of course chocolate in all its great, glorious, and wonderful forms. If you have any left over, you should feel free to send it to me. I’ll be happy to take care of it for you. Because I’m just that kind of mom.

The phrase “Sweets for the sweet” is a line from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act 5, Act 1. The phrase “Sweets for the Mom” is somewhat more recent.

Happy Thursday, sweetie.

Love, Mom

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