Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as candy corn. There was candy. There was corn. But the two remained independent.

Then in the 1880s, George Renninger of the Philadelphia, PA-based Wunderle Candy Company got tired of keeping veggies and dessert separate and created candy corn (which of course has everything to do with candy and much less to do with corn).

George may have been the first, but Gustav Goelitz is the true father of candy corn. He’s the first candy maker to begin commercial production (1898) in – wait for it – Cincinnati, OH. Yep, candy corn’s real life began here in the Queen City.

Back in the Day, candy corn was made by cooking sugar, water, and corn syrup, adding fondant (for texture) and marshmallow (for softness) and then pouring the hot deliciousness into big buckets 45 pounds at a time. The 45 pounds was then applied directly to my hips. No, wait. It just seems that way.

The candy was poured (one color layer at a time) into molds (shaped like corn kernels—sort of), cooled, and sold. Turns out veggie candy was popular and the Goelitz Candy Company made other veggie shapes for a while. Fortunately, they got over that and vegetables went back to being made out of marzipan which is how it is supposed to be.

During WWI, Herman son of Gustav moved to California and formed the creatively named Herman Goelitz Candy Company. Continuing the creative process, Herman made candy corn. Lots and lots of candy corn.

These days over 25 million pounds of candy corn are sold annually. Most bypass retail locations and head directly for my hips. No, wait. It just seems that way.

“Indian corn” is candy corn with a chocolate bottom. This is an approved (by me) version of candy corn.

There are all kinds of imposter-type candy corn (candy corns? candies corn? yark! What’s the protocol here?) including a blackberry cobbler candy corn (in Canada), Christmas “reindeer corn,” Easter “bunny corn,” Valentine’s “cupid corn,” and patriotic “freedom corn.” These are all ridiculous, but probably require much research on my part. Especially the blackberry cobbler corn.

Candy corn has 3.57 calories per kernel. I estimate it takes about 4 calories to chew and digest a single candy corn. Which means this may be the greatest diet ever invented! I just love estimation.

And I love you, too.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Olympic hockey is upon us. Which means Dad is getting up extra early (and extra awake) to watch early round competitions. I like hockey. Been a fan a long time. But overly excitable commentators and Dad coaching/commenting/refereeing before breakfast is a bit much.

Speaking of Canada, February 15, 1965, was the day Canada adopted what we now know to be the Canadian flag. Queen Elizabeth issued a Formal Proclamation and the flag went up. (Note: This is a good example of a time to use the phrase “run it up the flagpole.” Most other times are not.)

“So,” I hear you asking, “tell me about the Canadian flag.” Well, if you insist.

Way back in 1610 (that’s before you were born), Lower Canada was a new British Colony and therefore flew Britain’s Union Jack. The polar bears in Upper Canada weren’t impressed and continued to frolic on the icebergs. This was before global warming and the Titanic, so polar bear moms didn’t warn their cubs to stay off the bergs.

By 1763, the French had lost a sizable portion of Canada so the polar bears had to stop speaking with a French accent and all of Canada lived under the Union Jack. (Extra points if you know who lived “under the name of Saunders.”)

Fast forward to 1867, when Canada started getting uppity (as much as Canadians ever get uppity) and the Dominion of Canada was established as a self-governing federation within the British Empire. Which meant, among other things, a new flag had to be created. This was a swell time to be a flag maker. It took three years, but the Canadian Red Ensign was adopted (it was red with the Union Jack in the upper-left corner and a crest on the right).

That worked for a while, but eventually (and by eventually I mean it took a loooong time) Canadians began to point out that their flag didn’t have a maple leaf which is what they’d wanted all along, they’d just been too polite to say so.

King George V had nothing much to do in 1921 so he used the time to officially declare red and white the official colors of Canada. Officially. Which is why the maple leaf is white and not maple-leaf-color and why the background is red and not purple.

Canadians are very proud of their flag and of being Canadian–as they should be. While we have a lot of good stuff going for us as Americans, one doesn’t usually hear the term “ugly Canadian” batted around. Granted we don’t have crack-smoking Toronto mayor Rob Ford and we know how to pronounce the word donut. Then again, we eat too many donuts and have plenty of our own idiots.

Hope you had a good Valentine’s Day. Happy Saturday, and stay safe in all this crazy weather.

Love, Mom

P.S. Winnie-the-Pooh lived under the name of Saunders

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Dear Kid,

As I believe I have mentioned, we are in the Official Thanksgiving Season (according to me). My friend the internet and I were hanging out (exhausted from making pumpkin muffins, watching football, and updating my Facebook status), and we decided to take a peek at some interesting Thanksgiving facts.

The first thing we found is that you have to look really hard to find interesting Thanksgiving facts. There are a hefty number (I counted) of dull and well-known Thanksgiving facts. There are even some Highly Disputed Thanksgiving facts. But being the kind of mom I am, I kept at it and I am delighted to present to you

Some Interesting and Lesser Known Thanksgiving Facts (or at least factlettes)

Our Neighbors to the North (no, not the Millers, the Canadians) celebrate their Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October. They refer to our celebration as “Yanksgiving” which seems like it would be the most fun fact about Turkey Day ever, but wait!

To tell if a cranberry is ripe, bounce it. Seriously. Throw that puppy on the ground (when your mother isn’t watching) and if it bounces at least four inches it’s ready. How you do this before picking is beyond me.

The first Thanksgiving Day football game was in 1876. NBC immediately went out to find someone to invent television. Speaking of television…

Thanksgiving is the proud parent of TV dinners. In 1953, someone at Swanson over bought turkeys and they had 260 tons (as in tons) of frozen turkeys left over. While the purchasing manager went on to work for the federal government, Swanson used the left over birds as the basis for inventing TV dinners.

The pilgrims didn’t use forks; they ate with spoons, knives, and their fingers. Please remember that you are not a pilgrim.

Hoping you find some facts more relevant to your college classes.

Love, Mom