Dear Kid,

Reasonable people do not get up in the morning and think “I’ll go make a big mess in the kitchen this morning.” Most reasonable people get up in the morning and think “Coffee. Now.”

Most reasonable messes do not get up in the morning and say “Today is the day I will splatter myself on some unsuspecting soul’s kitchen.” Most reasonable messes get up in the morning and think “Coffee. Now.”

Because everyone is pursuing caffeine with a determined single-mindedness, things tend to work out ok.

Most of the time.

Because most of the time Distraction can’t be bothered to get up that early. Its alarm clock goes off, but rather than getting up, Distraction rolls over and goes back to sleep.

Most of the time.

Occasionally Distraction and a grumpy mess meet at the coffee maker. Distraction and the entire Mess side of the family don’t get on well under the best of circumstances. And pre-caffeine is not—by anyone’s definition—the best of circumstances.

When a Distraction and a grumpy mess meet pre-caffeine, there is a lot of elbowing. There is shoving. There is “Stop looking at me!” This can lead to coffee grounds falling in places where they won’t get turned into coffee.

If they aren’t told to Stop It NOW And I Mean It! and sent to their rooms to settle down, things can get downright ugly. And by “downright ugly” I mean someone might get thoroughly distracted and forget to put a coffee cup under the Keurig.

Do you know what happens when you forget to put a cup under the Keurig? Nothing if you forget to turn the Keurig on.

I didn’t forget that part.

Distraction and the mess are currently sitting in the corner snickering and refusing to help me clean up.

Hope your day is off to a good start.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Puppy: Mom. Pssst, Mom.
Me: Hmmm?
Puppy: Don’t look now, but we have company
Me: Huh?
Puppy: I said don’t look! There is Someone Here
Me: I haven’t had coffee yet. Go chew on a toy.
Puppy: PSSSSST! We have A Visitor
Me: Ok, what are you talking about?
Puppy: Look!
Me: The floor moved! Where are my glasses…..you found a cricket. In. The. House.
Puppy: Yes! Yes! Yes! I am such a good boy!!!
Me: Crickets don’t belong in the house
Puppy: I didn’t bring it in. I just found it. Can I keep it? Can I? Please?
Me: Wildlife belongs in the wild. Not inside.
Puppy: Can I keep it? It’s my new best friend
Me: Put the cricket down!
Puppy: Buh I wuv him
Me: Don’t talk with your mouth full. Put the cricket down
Puppy: Let’s play
Me: You may have drowned him
Puppy: Let’s play!
Me: I don’t think he’s moving
Puppy: Let’s- WOW!
Me: He moved. Not yet drowned in love
Puppy: Where did he go? Let’s go find him! Hunt! Sniff! Search!
Me: I think I’ll leave that to you.
Puppy: This is Very Important
Me: So is caffeine
Puppy: Can I have some?
Me: No
Puppy: Then I’ll search for my best friend. I’ll sniff everywhere! I’ll find him! I’ll rescue him! I’ll….Mom?
Me: Hmmm?
Puppy: What am I looking for?
Me: Oh, sweetie. Let’s go for a walk, ok?
Puppy: I love walks! Let’s go for a walk! And then breakfast, right?
Me: And then breakfast
Puppy: YAY! Mornings with breakfast are Wonderful! They are my favorite! They are the best! Let’s go!

Somewhere in the house, there is a cricket. Or possibly the remains of a cricket. Or possibly the cricket has escaped. I’ll keep you posted.

Love, Mom

For more puppy conversations see Puppy Conversations and Food Observations, Spring Puppy Conversations, New Puppy Conversations, Winter WonderPuppy | Baby It’s Cold Outside, Puppy Conversations Translated for the College Kid, Puppy Conversations and FIFA World Cup Soccer, Puppy Conversations and the Joy of Quirkiness, Puppy Conversations| In the Beginning, Puppy Conversations | What’s In a Name?, Puppy Conversations | Puppy Plans a Party, Puppy Speaks Foreign Languages…Sort Of, Summer Puppy Conversations | Speaking of Hope, National Dog Day | Puppy Has His Say, and Puppy Conversations | Completely In Love with Tal

Dear Kid,

But wait, there’s more.

If you thought I had posted a sufficiently caffeinated blog the other day, you’d be correct. If you thought (as I did for a short time) that that would be the end of the caffeinated discussion, you’d be wrong.

Not only does caffeine come in the traditional liquid form (coffee, tea, diet coke) and the easily abused and sometimes lethal powdered form (stay away), turns out there are non-traditional liquids and—wait for it—aerosols. Clearly, I have been living under a rock.

Thank you to Cornell student Kyle and Boston University alum Greg for bringing all this to my attention.

Turns out, there are concentrated liquid caffeines out there. Liquid caffeine mixes nicely with no powdery aftertaste but there is enough caffeine in a gallon of the stuff to show 7 people the wrong side of the dirt. One of the joys (and by “joys” I mean not so much) of liquid caffeine is you can mix it with your favorite alcoholic beverage so that you can be awake while you get drunk and do stupid things.

The only things worse than a drunk idiot is a drunk idiot who refuses to pass out.

Did I mention that too much caffeine can KILL YOU!!!??? And that these concentrated forms of caffeine are the easiest to abuse? And (as we know from professional football) abuse is bad. Ergo, stay away from the concentrated stuff.

Have you heard of Death Wish Coffee? It has 200% more caffeine than standard coffee. Which won’t kill you (probably) but might make you so jittery and unable to sleep that you wish it would.

And the aforementioned aerosol caffeine delivery system. Yep, it exists. The regular dose won’t harm you (presumably) as it has about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. According to everything I read on line aero-caffeine (once known as aeroshot, but now under slightly different names) works fast, is extremely convenient, and tastes horrible. Authorities worry that because it’s so easy to ingest kids will do multiple shots in quick succession which could be dangerous.

All in all, I think I’ll get a cup of coffee and head back to bed.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you heard about powdered caffeine? It’s the latest scary substance to hit college campuses.

Lets’ start with the basics: Avoid powdered caffeine.

Let me be clear. Caffeine isn’t great, but it isn’t hideously awful (unless you’re trying to quit caffeine—which I can tell you from personal experience is No Fun Whatsoever). I, myself, personally have gone back to drinking coffee. And Diet Coke. And sometimes tea.

I’ll be honest. I am addicted (see above comment about quitting).

But a cup of coffee (or two) or even a bunch of cups of coffee the morning of a big final are not what I’m talking about. Worst case with too many Stbx, you’re going to get jittery, and have an acid stomach, and be awake to enjoy your jittery stomach.

With caffeine powder, however, there is a good chance you won’t be around to be awake. And while sleeping thr

ough side effects is a little unkind, being dead through side effects is just downright rude.

The facts:

• Caffeine is a drug albeit one that is regulated like a dietary supplement when it’s regulated at all.
• A 12 ounce Diet Coke has about 45 milligrams of caffeine.
• An 8 oz cup of coffee has about 95 milligrams of caffeine.
• One grande Starbucks coffee (16 oz) has about 330 milligrams of caffeine (even their decaf has a lot of caffeine).
  

• Experts say you should have no more than 600 milligrams of caffeine per day.
• 5,000 to 10,000 milligrams is considered lethal (let me repeat: LETHAL).
• The serving size for powdered caffeine is 1/16 of a teaspoon. The smallest measuring spoon I own is ¼ teaspoon.
• One teaspoon of powdered caffeine (which looks like oh so reasonable an amount), has over 2,300 milligrams of caffeine (think 25 cups of coffee. All at once.).
• Two regular spoonfuls of powdered caffeine is the same as chugging 70 Red Bulls. Which is unhealthy for more reasons than I care to write about.

Stay away from powdered caffeine and get your jitters the old fashioned way.

Love, Mom