Dear Kid,

My body and I are arguing a lot these days.

Body: Let’s eat cake!
Me: No.
Body: Let’s eat cookies!
Me: No.
Body: Let’s eat chocolate!
Me: No.
Body: Remind me again why I hang out with you?

Me: Tell the fat cells to go.
Body: Not so much.
Me: This is an eviction notice for the fat cells.
Body: But they live here!
Me: That’s the point. They are no longer welcome.
Body: I think I’ll keep them anyway.

Me: Get up and get moving.
Body: I got up and got moving yesterday.
Me: We have to do it again.
Body: I beg to differ.
Me: It’s not really optional.
Body: Yeah? Just try moving without me.

Body: I hurt.
Me: You don’t hurt. We went to the gym yesterday.
Body: I hurt.
Me: You feel energized.
Body: I think we’re using a different dictionary.

Body: It is time to eat.
Me: We just ate.
Body: It is time to eat again.
Me: It is time to clean the kitchen.
Body: My idea is better.
Me: True. But…
Body: So we eat!
Me: No.
Body: The cookies are tempting….
Me: Yes, but…
Body: We could just have one.
Me: Now I know you’re toying with me.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid, 

As you know, I am fascinated by all things scientific especially if there are limited facts involved. Listening to you talk about your workouts for crew led me to extreme research on why things happen differently when I go to the gym and when you go to the gym. I am now ready to report my findings.

Ahem.

The Difference Between a Studly College Dude (you) and Mom (me) When Working Out. By Me.

You get ready to work out. Your brain snaps to attention, ready to go.

I get ready to work out. My brain just snaps.

You arrive at the gym, dressed and ready, and go straight to the machines.

I arrive at the gym, head to the locker room, pause to check voicemail, email (both accounts), and texts (nothing new in any of them). Change into workout clothes, check technology again (nada). Brush hair, consider whether to take a book or headphones with me, check technology, reply to one email, and finally head to the machines.

You get on the rower. Immediately, calories start running around your body, building muscle and throwing excess fat overboard in the most efficient way possible.

I get on the elliptical. Immediately, calories start dialing itty bitty cell phones reminding each other not to move and telling fat cells they are welcome to stay as long as they like and no one is being forced to become (ick) muscle if they don’t want to.

Five minutes into the workout you have burned 4,827 calories.

Five minutes into the workout I have burned 3 calories.

Twenty minutes into your workout you look like a sweating cross-fit champion.

Twenty minutes into my workout two trainers are discussing whether to call the paramedics.

End of the work out: you feel tired but great.

End of my workout: I’m wondering if I should accept the trainers’ offer to assist me back to the locker room.

For your next meal, you consume two pizzas, a portion of chicken lo mein, a side of broccoli, and a piece of apple pie.

For my next meal, I nibble three lettuce leaves and drink a glass of water.

Results for you: muscle growth and development and you’re back working out the next day.

Results for me: weight gain of 6 pounds and I won’t be able to move on my own for a week.

Enjoy your youth, kid.

Happy September

Love, Mom