Dear Kid,

IF you had been alive and aware on Oct 17, 1814, and IF you happened to have found yourself in England, and IF by chance you were wandering around London (more specifically the parish of St. Giles), you might have witnessed the London Beer Flood. I kid you not.

On October 17, 1814, an enormous (and by enormous I mean 610,000 liters) vat full of beer broke. This in and of itself would have been sad and tragic. However, in the tradition of beer-related chain reaction events, other vats collapsed under the onslaught of beer and breakage, and almost a million and a half liters (1,470,000 liters to be more specific) burst their containers and erupted into the surrounding area.

The alcoholic tsunami wiped away two homes, washed out the wall of the Tavistock Arms Pub, swamped several streets, filled several basements and first floor rooms, interrupted a wake, and then set up a fuss because the international media didn’t interrupt coverage of the events of the day to set up 24 hour reports.

Rock and Roll artists didn’t even hold a fundraiser for the beer-diseased and displaced. All in all, the tsunami thought it was severely underrepresented.

Eight people died in the flood (none of them were college students who would have known how to drink their way out of beer-flooded environments).

The brewery was sued over the accident, but the judge and jury (who were plied heavily with the product in question) remained sober just long enough to rule the disaster an Act of God. God never weighed in on the decision, but hinted strongly in tabloids that there was human corruption and neglect involved. Since it was 1814, and since this was a really poor part of town, no one looked into the incident to carefully until recently when the beer tsunami memoires surfaced and we learned just how upset a tsunami can be.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Have you ever noticed that no one sets off fireworks on your birthday? They don’t on mine either.

And yet, as we celebrate America’s (faux) birthday (read about the faux-ness here), there will be plenty of fireworks.

And hot dogs. And beer. And concerts.

And more fireworks.

And rain. Lots and lots of rain. At least in our neck of the woods.

Which will make the aforementioned festivities much less festive.

Or at least soggier.

Now, just because the forecasters are predicting rain does not necessarily mean rain will arrive. Weather forecasters are notoriously good at being wrong. And still keeping their jobs.

Also, this is Southwest Ohio. So when they say “rain” they might very well mean sleet. Or tornadoes. Or purple unicorns.

Personally, I’d be in favor of unicorns, purple or otherwise.

Regardless of the weather (or lack thereof), my hope is that our country continues to thrive and provide freedom for many, many, many years.

Happy Fourth of July, Kiddo.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

You may not have noticed, but there is a great deal of confusion in the world today.

I will leave it to others (and by “others” I mean not me) to attempt to unconfused the little problems like global warming, pollution, and why there are no good TV shows on Friday night.

I want to tackle the big confusion of the day. The pressing problem that leaves people scratching their heads and stroking their beards (the ones left over from November and Thank Goodness most of those have been shaved off).

So without further ado, here are Some A Bunch Count ‘Em Yourself Several Ways to Tell the Difference Between College Students and Cows.

Most people think that cows have four stomachs. That’s actually not true. They have just one stomach with four chambers. College students also only have one stomach. They just eat enough to fill four.

Moos aren’t the only sound cows make! Calves make a sound called bawling, while bulls bellow. College students make a lot of different sounds, some of which are even slightly more intelligible than bawling or bellowing.

Cows can live more than 20 years. Sometimes college students feel they age 20 years during finals week.

The average domestic cow sleeps only about four hours a day. The average college students only sleeps about four hours a day during exams. At all other times, the average college student is awake only about four hours a day.

Cows can walk up a flight of stairs, but once there, they can’t walk back down. Their knees just don’t bend the right way. Under certain circumstances, the same can be said for college students. Cows end up stuck. College students usually solve the problem by falling down the stairs.

Cows can’t vomit. College students can. And frequently prove it.

The typical cow stands up and sits down about 14 times a day. Don’t ask me to explain this one as I’ve never seen a cow sit. I have seen college students sit.

An average dairy cow weighs about 1,200 pounds, the same as an average college linebacker.

The average cow drinks 30 to 50 gallons of water each day. This is more than most college students guzzle. Of any beverage.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

As a reminder, you already know Udderly Weird Facts About Cows

Dear Kid,

Last night we went to MadTree Brewery for a celebration for Ohio River Foundation and Dad’s birthday. Unless it was Dad’s birthday and an ORF celebration.

Either way, we were there.

We had a goat cheese pizza and a variation on mac and cheese. One of these days I’ll remember to photograph food before we eat it.

Ohio River Foundation is the charity of the month at MadTree. So if you go to MadTree during December, you can throw a dollar (or many dollars) up on the screen, and at the end of the month the money will go to ORF. (They get the money down from the screens with a leaf blower!)

Happy today,

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Boo!

It is the wonderful time of year when ghosts can be friendly, princesses roam the streets, and candy has no calories.

Unless you’re in college in which case ghosts are ghosts, princesses roam the streets, and beer has no calories.

Meanwhile, you’ve probably been wondering about jack-o’-lanterns. Fear not, kiddo, I am here to provide answers.

Once upon a time, there was a man named Stingy Jack. Jack was a big drinker (did I mention this is an Irish folk tale?), and one day S.J. was out drinking with the Devil. Being a bit devilish himself, Stingy Jack convinced the Devil to turn himself into a coin to pay for the drinks. Once the Devil was money, S.J. put the coin into his pocket with a silver cross (to prevent the Devil from un-coining himself).

Fast forward to the negotiation part of the story and Jack promised to free the Devil if he (the Devil) wouldn’t bother him (Jack) for a year and if he (the Devil) agreed that if Jack died he (the Devil) could never clam his (Jack’s) soul.

Deal. (The Devil was not big on being a coin.)

In this story, the Devil wasn’t particular smart and allowed himself to be tricked again by Stingy Jack but that part isn’t very interesting so we’re skipping it.

Eventually, Stingy Jack died. S.J. wasn’t on the guest list for heaven, but the Devil had promised not to take him to hell. Dilemma. Jack was sent to wander around on earth with only a burning coal for light. He (Stingy Jack) put the coal into a turnip as a lantern, which in one fell swoop saved his hands from burning and turned Stingy Jack into Jack of the Lantern or Jack o’ Lantern.

Hence and therefore, the Irish carved scary faced into turnips, beets, potatoes, and the occasional rutabaga to scare off Stingy Jack (or other wandering spirits).

One wonders at the logic of this since it’s not entirely obvious that a person who drank with and outwitted the Devil twice would be the least intimidated by a carved vegetable.

Happy Halloween!

Love, Mom