Dear Kid,

Every now and then the Universe pops up and hands me a little present. I am always careful to say “Thank you” most politely because that’s what one does when the Universe goes out of its way to be kind.

A few years ago, the gift was when doctors decided that wine has important health benefits and therefore a cup full of vino is the medicine going down. Yippee and Thank You.

Then the medical profession decided that coffee has heart benefits. This has nothing to do with actual benefits (I’m sure it’s just great marketing from the coffee cartel) but what do I care whether it’s real or not? The docs say “Drink coffee,” I say make it a strong one. And Thank You.

The best part is that I never intended to change my behavior (Coffee’s not good for me? Unfortunate. I’ll still drink the same amount.). But having the Universe’s blessing for my behavior makes me feel loved and special and much less guilty.

Now, once again, the Universe has handed out a completely unexpected present. This one may be the silliest one ever, but since it is a Proven Scientific and Medical Fact, who am I to argue?

The Universe has declared that it is unhealthy to make your bed every morning.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

This, of course, proves that I am The Most Knowing of All Mothers You’ve Ever Had because I only insisted you actually make your bed about twice a year (on the same days I made my bed—namely, when Grandma was visiting). I am so far ahead of my time, it’s crazy.

You do not need to point out that “ahead of my time” and “lazy” in this case refer to the same thing.

I don’t particularly care for bed-making. I find it is a great way to break my nails and all I do is mess it up a pretty bed all over again. It’s a thankless job (in my opinion) so I skip it on a regular basis (and by “regular basis” I mean “daily”). It’s perfectly fine with me if someone else makes the bed; in fact, I like climbing in to a freshly made bed. I just don’t like it enough to do the actual bed-making in the first place.

There are people who do like making the bed (or who think they do since the habit is so ingrained). To them I say “Have at it” just don’t ask me to do the same thing. And now the Universe says we have a Good Excuse not to make the bed.

The reason making your bed is unhealthy is dust mites. Dust mites are the invisible creatures who live in our linens and chow down on the billions of skin cells we shed. The dust mites poop invisible mite poop and we sneeze. Not good for the allergy-affiliated among us. (In a scientifically significant oversight, it turns out that dust mites and dust dragons are not related.)

It turns out that dust mites prefer nice moist skin cells. The kind that get tucked in every morning when someone makes the bed. They are much less excited about eating dried up skin cells (the kind that dry out every day when you don’t make the bed).

So now you have a scientific reason for not making the bed. And sneezing is once again entirely up to you.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As you may remember, I had a List yesterday. A Getting Things Done That Need To Be Done List.

As I was working my way through the list (with an occasional pause to see if I could get past Level 111 in Words on Tour), I thought about how not everyone works with lists. Being a list-oriented person, I don’t really understand that, but I can at least accept it as an alternate lifestyle choice.

Here are my rules for working with a list (especially if you don’t want to.

1. Make a list. There are two schools of thought when it comes to list making (I’ve attended both schools). The first is to put as much detail as possible on the list so you get the joy (and by “joy” I mean endorphins) when you cross things off. For example: Instead of “make the bed,” you write “Go upstairs, stare at bed, pull up sheets, pull up comforter, arrange pillows” etc. That way even if you don’t get around to finishing you can at least cross off something that shows you made an attempt. Like going upstairs. The second school of thought is to put as little as possible on the list so it (the list) doesn’t glare at you all day. For example: Instead of “make the bed,” you write “Do house stuff.” That way, when you carry your breakfast dishes to the general vicinity of the sink, you can cross off the chore as done.
2. Read the list. After years of careful study I can confidently report that having a list is insufficient. If you write and then ignore the list, things rarely get accomplished. (Unless you have better elves than I do.)
3. Work on the list. Pick something, anything, and get it done. The first rule of list-making (yes, we talk about list-making) is that the list doesn’t always have to be completed in order. Sometimes it’s helpful (you generally have to get out of bed before you can make the bed) but most of the time flexibility is fine. You just have to get started.
4. Cross things off the list. It’s very important that once you accomplish something on the list you cross it off. Partly because you get all those great endorphins and partly so that when someone else looks at your list they don’t nag you to get something done.
5. It’s your list. You get to make up the rules. One of my rules is that sometimes it’s OK to cross things off even if they aren’t finished. I have two options. One is the “It’s Close Enough” option: I didn’t make the bed, but at least I picked the blanket up off the floor. Close enough for me. The other is the “Never Gonna Happen so Why Pretend” option: Seriously, I never make the bed unless grandma and grandpa are coming to visit and even then it’s iffy, so why did I even put it on the list?

Happy list-making!

Love, Mom