Dear Kid,

This is exactly how it happened…

Me: Would you like a treat?
Puppy: I would love a treat! I love treats! Treats are wonderful! That was delicious!
Me: Would you like another treat?
Puppy: I would love another treat! Treats are…why are you over by the sink with a treat?
Me: Come here, sweetie, and you can have the treat
Puppy: I Love treats! I…but why are you over by the sink? You are not thinking about a…a….a bath, are you?
Me: I have a treat right here for you
Puppy: You ARE thinking about a bath
Me: Come here, sweetie
Puppy: I don’t like baths
Me: Treat?
Puppy: But I do like treats

Me: Come on, come here, you can do it
Puppy: I’m coming over, but I’m not happy about it
Me: I know, baby, but here’s your treat
Puppy: Here’s what I think
Me: Yes?
Puppy: I think if I take the treat, you will think it’s ok to give me a bath. So if I don’t take the treat, no bath
Me: That is very interesting logic
Puppy: So no thank you to the treat
Me: You don’t have to have the treat. But you are getting a bath. Up you go
Puppy: What?! That didn’t work out right

Me: OK, all done
Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I love being clean!
Me: If you love being clean, why do you fuss about having baths?
Puppy: It’s my job. And I’m NOT a water dog

Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I must run around the house in excitement!
Me: You are clean and beautiful
Puppy: And now it’s time for cheese, right?
Me: Actually, we’re out of cheese so you get treats for behaving so nicely
Puppy: I can work with that – I love treats!
Me: I seem to have heard that rumor
Puppy: More treats!

Love, Mom

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Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as Bigfoot. Then one night Joe Neanderthal was inspired to tell a bedtime story based on his teenage son’s sneakers. The Bigfoot story became one of the Neanderthals’ favorites, and a legend was born.

In the original version, Bigfoot’s name was a result of not being able to find sneakers in an appropriate size. You have to remember that this was in the olden days before basketball players and Nike were invented.

In order to keep his children entertained, Joe sometimes changed the name of the character to things like Sasquatch and Yeti. But since he was a Neanderthal and his kids were Neanderthals that’s all he had to change in order to make them think it was an entirely new story.

If you were to check with My Good Friend The Internet, you’d find that people have been arguing about whether Bigfoot is “real” for a squillion years. Of course, arguing about Bigfoot being “real” is as silly as arguing about whether Winnie-the-Pooh is real. Duh.

Like all good stories, the tale of Bigfoot has been handed (or footed if you prefer) down over the years. Because of the Polar Vortex (seems like as good a reason as any), the People of the NorthWest seem to have taken the story a little more to heart than people in other places. There have been more searchings there than elsewhere, but what these people fail to realize is they’re just looking for a really good bedtime story. Personally, I recommend Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book. And King Bidgood’s in the Bathtub.

Over the years there have been sightings, footprints, blurry pictures, and more sightings of Bigfoot. Some have speculated that during the offseason Santa likes to dress up in really big gorilla costumes. I think it’s more likely the elves are playing tricks on Santa, but as I’ve said before I’m still waiting to meet some great elves.

Through the years, the story has varied a little, but make no mistake—Bigfoot was invented by Joe as a way to get his children to go to sleep.

‘Night.

Love, Mom