Posts Tagged "bath"

27 Reasons There Isn’t A Post Today

Dear Kid,

Here are the 27 reasons there wasn’t a post on today.

1. I didn’t wake up in time.
2. I’m still asleep.
3. There wasn’t enough coffee in the house.
4. There wasn’t enough coffee in the world.
5. Dad wanted to go for a hike.
6. Dad wanted to go for a hike at the Cincinnati Nature Center which is about half an hour from our house.
7. Going for a hike with Dad took all of my ability to focus.
8. Going for a hike with Dad took all of my ability to focus which meant I didn’t have a lot left to avoid stepping in the mud.
9. There was a lot of mud.
10. Having the ability to focus on avoiding the mud wouldn’t have helped because there was too much be able to avoid it all.
11. I gave the Puppy a bath yesterday.
12. He went on the hike with us.
13. Did I mention the mud?
14. Cleaning the mud off the Puppy took the teeny tiny bit of concentration I had left.
15. Except we still had to get from the cleaning-off-the-Puppy area to the car.
16. Which required cleaning him up again.
17. And he still doesn’t smell clean.
18. But we had a nice hike.
19. Even though I only burned 16.5 calories the entire time.
20. Then I had to spend a ton of time contemplating the reasons that Moms burn 8 calories an hour while you burn 4 billion calories an hour.
21. Sitting still.
22. Which left me devoid of words. Correction: Devoid of printable words.
23. And then I had to cook.
24. But first I had to go grocery shopping because (as Pi has been saying) there is no food in the house.
25. Unless you’re a puppy.
26. Which I am not.
27. And neither are you.

Which explains why there was no post today. Except now there is.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Puppy Rolls in Something Dead

Dear Kid,

When I got home last night, I said hi to Dad, and hi to the Puppy, and “What did This Dog roll in?”

Dad: He’s stinky?
Me: No…
Dad: How do you know he rolled in something?
Me: He’s. Filthy.
Dad: Really? I didn’t notice
Me: Our dog is tan and white. This animal, who has the general shape and attitude of our Puppy, is black and grey. How did you not notice?
Dad: I just didn’t. I wiped his paws when we came in from outside
Puppy: Outside? I like outside
Me: You wiped his paws. You missed his entire body but got his paws. How?? I have no words…You, little boy. Let’s get you cleaned up.
Puppy: I thought we were going outside
Me: Not at the moment. You are filthy. Come here
Puppy: What does “filthy” mean?
Me: It means you need to get cleaned up
Puppy: What is That Thing? I don’t think I like it
Me: It’s a wash cloth. It won’t hurt
Puppy: It doesn’t look like a treat
Me: Come here, baby, it’s just a washcloth
Puppy: It doesn’t smell like a treat either
Me: We need to get you cleaned up
Puppy: I think I will just sit here and stare at you
Me: I have treats
Puppy: You what?
Me: Atta boy
Puppy: I am a good boy
Me: Yes, you—holy moly, what on earth did you roll in?

The minute I touched the black on his fur, the air became perfumed. And by “perfumed” I mean stank to high heaven. Clearly, the boy had rolled in something dead. Very dead. Dead and rotting. Which had then dried on him. As I rehydrated the very dead and rotting whateveritwas, the aroma returned.

It was not (to my nose) enjoyable and it did not improve as I cleaned him.

Puppy: I am a very good sharer
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: If you want to smell this good I can show you where to roll
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: But it would be better if you left the good smell on me
Me: Um, no
Puppy: Because you’re just moving the yummy smell to the washcloth
Me: I know. I may need to burn the washcloth
Puppy: Which means I won’t smell good anymore
Me: Wow this is potent. Into the sink with you. Bathtime.
Puppy: What? How did that happen? I was being so good
Me: Laws of nature
Puppy: Laws are better when they don’t involve baths

Update: The Puppy is clean (for the moment), the washcloth is clean (for the moment), and the dead whateveritwas is still out there. Hoping Dad keeps a better eye on the baby today.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Puppy Logic Doesn’t Get Him Out of a Bath

Dear Kid,

This is exactly how it happened…


Me: Would you like a treat?
Puppy: I would love a treat! I love treats! Treats are wonderful! That was delicious!
Me: Would you like another treat?
Puppy: I would love another treat! Treats are…why are you over by the sink with a treat?
Me: Come here, sweetie, and you can have the treat
Puppy: I Love treats! I…but why are you over by the sink? You are not thinking about a…a….a bath, are you?
Me: I have a treat right here for you
Puppy: You ARE thinking about a bath
Me: Come here, sweetie
Puppy: I don’t like baths
Me: Treat?
Puppy: But I do like treats


Me: Come on, come here, you can do it
Puppy: I’m coming over, but I’m not happy about it
Me: I know, baby, but here’s your treat
Puppy: Here’s what I think
Me: Yes?
Puppy: I think if I take the treat, you will think it’s ok to give me a bath. So if I don’t take the treat, no bath
Me: That is very interesting logic
Puppy: So no thank you to the treat
Me: You don’t have to have the treat. But you are getting a bath. Up you go
Puppy: What?! That didn’t work out right

Me: OK, all done
Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I love being clean!
Me: If you love being clean, why do you fuss about having baths?
Puppy: It’s my job. And I’m NOT a water dog

Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I must run around the house in excitement!
Me: You are clean and beautiful
Puppy: And now it’s time for cheese, right?
Me: Actually, we’re out of cheese so you get treats for behaving so nicely
Puppy: I can work with that – I love treats!
Me: I seem to have heard that rumor
Puppy: More treats!

Love, Mom

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