Posts Tagged "Bath Time"

Puppy Conversations | Puppy Rolls in Something Dead

Dear Kid,

When I got home last night, I said hi to Dad, and hi to the Puppy, and “What did This Dog roll in?”

Dad: He’s stinky?
Me: No…
Dad: How do you know he rolled in something?
Me: He’s. Filthy.
Dad: Really? I didn’t notice
Me: Our dog is tan and white. This animal, who has the general shape and attitude of our Puppy, is black and grey. How did you not notice?
Dad: I just didn’t. I wiped his paws when we came in from outside
Puppy: Outside? I like outside
Me: You wiped his paws. You missed his entire body but got his paws. How?? I have no words…You, little boy. Let’s get you cleaned up.
Puppy: I thought we were going outside
Me: Not at the moment. You are filthy. Come here
Puppy: What does “filthy” mean?
Me: It means you need to get cleaned up
Puppy: What is That Thing? I don’t think I like it
Me: It’s a wash cloth. It won’t hurt
Puppy: It doesn’t look like a treat
Me: Come here, baby, it’s just a washcloth
Puppy: It doesn’t smell like a treat either
Me: We need to get you cleaned up
Puppy: I think I will just sit here and stare at you
Me: I have treats
Puppy: You what?
Me: Atta boy
Puppy: I am a good boy
Me: Yes, you—holy moly, what on earth did you roll in?

The minute I touched the black on his fur, the air became perfumed. And by “perfumed” I mean stank to high heaven. Clearly, the boy had rolled in something dead. Very dead. Dead and rotting. Which had then dried on him. As I rehydrated the very dead and rotting whateveritwas, the aroma returned.

It was not (to my nose) enjoyable and it did not improve as I cleaned him.

Puppy: I am a very good sharer
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: If you want to smell this good I can show you where to roll
Me: Mmmm
Puppy: But it would be better if you left the good smell on me
Me: Um, no
Puppy: Because you’re just moving the yummy smell to the washcloth
Me: I know. I may need to burn the washcloth
Puppy: Which means I won’t smell good anymore
Me: Wow this is potent. Into the sink with you. Bathtime.
Puppy: What? How did that happen? I was being so good
Me: Laws of nature
Puppy: Laws are better when they don’t involve baths

Update: The Puppy is clean (for the moment), the washcloth is clean (for the moment), and the dead whateveritwas is still out there. Hoping Dad keeps a better eye on the baby today.

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations | Puppy Logic Doesn’t Get Him Out of a Bath

Dear Kid,

This is exactly how it happened…


Me: Would you like a treat?
Puppy: I would love a treat! I love treats! Treats are wonderful! That was delicious!
Me: Would you like another treat?
Puppy: I would love another treat! Treats are…why are you over by the sink with a treat?
Me: Come here, sweetie, and you can have the treat
Puppy: I Love treats! I…but why are you over by the sink? You are not thinking about a…a….a bath, are you?
Me: I have a treat right here for you
Puppy: You ARE thinking about a bath
Me: Come here, sweetie
Puppy: I don’t like baths
Me: Treat?
Puppy: But I do like treats


Me: Come on, come here, you can do it
Puppy: I’m coming over, but I’m not happy about it
Me: I know, baby, but here’s your treat
Puppy: Here’s what I think
Me: Yes?
Puppy: I think if I take the treat, you will think it’s ok to give me a bath. So if I don’t take the treat, no bath
Me: That is very interesting logic
Puppy: So no thank you to the treat
Me: You don’t have to have the treat. But you are getting a bath. Up you go
Puppy: What?! That didn’t work out right

Me: OK, all done
Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I love being clean!
Me: If you love being clean, why do you fuss about having baths?
Puppy: It’s my job. And I’m NOT a water dog

Puppy: I’m clean! I’m clean! I must run around the house in excitement!
Me: You are clean and beautiful
Puppy: And now it’s time for cheese, right?
Me: Actually, we’re out of cheese so you get treats for behaving so nicely
Puppy: I can work with that – I love treats!
Me: I seem to have heard that rumor
Puppy: More treats!

Love, Mom

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Puppy Conversations Translated for the College Kid

Dear Kid,

Puppy: It’s time to get up
Me: I am up
Puppy: You’re lying on the floor
Me: I’m snuggling you
Puppy: But it’s time to get up!
Me: I’m very comfortable
Puppy: Up, up, up!
Me: Ok, ok. I’m getting up
Puppy: You don’t want to snuggle me?

Puppy: What are you getting out of the cabinet?
Me: A container for my lunch
Puppy: What else are you getting out of the cabinet?
Me: Not sure I’m getting anything else out
Puppy: There are treats in that cabinet
Me: Hmmm, there certainly are
Puppy: I thought you might have forgotten
Me: I haven’t forgotten
Puppy: So……
Me: Do you need a treat?
Puppy: Well, I wouldn’t say no
Me: Here you go
Puppy: Look how nicely I’m taking this.
Me: Yes, you are a very good boy.
Puppy: Good enough for another treat?

Puppy: Mom
Me: Yes, sweetie
Puppy: Mom, Mom, Mom
Me: Yes, sweetie, what do you need?
Puppy: Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom
Me: I’m right here. What do you need?
Puppy: There are noodles on the counter
Me: Yes, there are
Puppy: I can smell them
Me: I’m sure you can
Puppy: Can I have some?
Me: No, they are not for you.
Puppy: Please?
Me: No.
Puppy: Please, please, please, please, please. I love noodles. I love noodles.
Me: I know you do. But they’re not for you.
Puppy: Come with me, I’ll show you
Me: You don’t have to show me
Puppy: But I LOOOOOOVE noodles.
Me: You love all food. This is not for you.
Puppy: This is my sad face.

Me: Come over here, Puppy. Time to cut your nails.
Puppy: Nah, I’m good, thanks
Me: Come on over, sweetie.
Puppy: I’m very busy not going over there.
Me: I have treats
Puppy: Huh?
Me: I have the Really Good treats
Puppy: They smell so good!!!!!!
Me: You get one if you come over here
Puppy: Well, I might have a minute

Puppy: Mom!
Me: Mmmm?
Puppy: I smell Spring!
Me: You do?
Puppy: Yes, and I rolled in it just for you!
Me (pause): Oh, honey. That is Definitely Not the smell of spring.

Off to Bath Time.

Love, Mom

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Special Message to the College Kid | Things Have Gotten Out of Hand

puppy shampooDear Boy That I Haven’t Sniffed In A Long Time,

I must tell you about the goings on here. Things have Gotten Out of Hand.

It all started out innocently enough. Mom and I had a lovely conversation. She’s learning a lot—I keep trying to teach her real words but it’s slow going. At the end of the conversation she got up and I followed her into to the kitchen because that’s where Food is and that is always Happy Time for me and my tummy.

Imagine the horror when she took out the bottle that says “Puppy Shampoo” because that’s where baths happen and that is not Happy Time. It is Wet Time. And I am not a silly lab who likes to waste time playing in water.

So while she Organized, I cleverly trotted out to the porch and camouflaged myself next to the window. I know that I see right through that thing, so I figured she’d never spot me. What? No dirty puppies here. I sat very, very still.

She found me (for someone with a nose that doesn’t work very well, she can be darn clever) and into the sink I went. I was very cooperative, because I am That Kind of Canine and if you’re going to get clean you might as well do it right. I let her wash every last part of me. As you know, I hate severely dislike baths but I love the square orange cheese I get afterward (still trying to figure out how to train mom to give me some without a bath).

I got dried off, ate my cheese, and then I had to fix everything. No one puts my fur back where it belongs so I have to roll around on the carpet (I so wish I could lick my back) and then I licked all the fur I could reach (I don’t know why I can’t just give myself a bath without all this sink business).

A little later, Daddy brought home the big motor thing. We all had to help unload because Daddy was In A Hurry. I was busy helping, but Mom kept forgetting to give me treats. So I thought “what can I do to really be helpful?” and poof! Woof! came the answer: I could roll around in something to get a good smell back on me.

Nonchalantly I moseyed behind the burning bush to the side of the house. Mom said, “Booker” in a Don’t-Move-Another-Muscle-Mister voice, but what could I do? Everyone else was working so hard. I had to do my part, didn’t I? So I zipped off on little doggie feet. Mom yelled, “Booker, Come!” which I  know means “when you get over here you get a treat. Probably.” It was hard (I LOVE treats), but I had a job to do and so I kept going.

I found some really cool stuff to roll in (I won’t tell you because I don’t want you to get jealous) and after I’d had a good perfume, I went back to the Pack.

Mom’s eyes opened extra wide when she got a whiff of me. Pi said something about me (I know it was about me, but I’m not sure what she said because of the funny look on her face and the way her nose was scrunched up—too much of a good thing, maybe?)

You will NEVER guess what happened next. Into the sink I went. I have never even heard of having two baths in one day. I wasn’t even dry from the first bath. Can you believe this?

Nobody appreciates help.

I’m exhausted. Must go take a nap.

Love, Booker

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