Posts Tagged "bank"

We’re About To Have A Chocolate Crisis!!

Dear Kid,

We are having a catastrophe. Of catastrophic proportions. Worse, far worse, than anything that has hit the globe in your lifetime.

We are headed for a chocolate crisis. More specifically, we are headed for a lack of chocolate crisis. Of epic proportions.

We're about to have a chocolate crisis!! DearKidLoveMom.comApparently, we’re already in a chocolate deficit. Which means we ate 70,000 metric tons more chocolate than the world produced last year. I am reasonably sure that I (personally) contributed to the crisis. And apparently chocolate makers have watched me in their crystal ball because they are predicting a 20 million metric ton deficit by 2030.

Mathematically speaking, I’m confused. We’re in a honking long streak of chocolate deficit years, so at some point one would think we’d a) run out of reserves and b) get tired of stale chocolate. It’s not like the Central Bank where they just make money out of thin air and paper. You actually have to have chocolate to eat chocolate.

One reason for the deficit is the frosty pod fungus (clearly a made up disease named by fantasy genre writers). Another is that growing cocoa is hard and insufficiently profitable compared to other crops like corn. And the biggest “problem” is that we’re eating more chocolate. (As Grandma points out, chocolate is a vegetable, so it’s good for you.)

As you doubtless know, falling supply plus increase demand means chocolate prices are going to skyrocket (they’re already up considerably).

Being the kind of mom I am, I have taken the liberty of coming up with some solutions to this impending disaster.

1. Stop Eating Chocolate. Yeah, right. Next!

2. Get Everyone Else to Stop Eating Chocolate. Only slightly more likely.

3. Remortgage the House to provide funding for my chocolate habit.

Love ya’ kid, but I’ve got to run to the bank now.

Love, Mom

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The Bank of Mom and Dad | Policies and Procedures

Dear Kid,

It’s official. The phrase “the bank of mom and dad” is now in the dictionary. I know this because I heard it on the radio so it must be true.

The Bank of Mom and Dad -- even this bank is limited. DearKidLoveMom.comWith this officiality, I thought we should discuss the policies and procedures of The Bank of Mom and Dad—at least your branch of said bank.

The Bank of Mom and Dad funds major academic initiatives. The Bank of Mom and Dad funds the standard (required) lab breakage fee and up to $5 annually of normal lab wear-and-tear breakage. After that, you fund your own catastrophes (please try not to blow up anything).

The Bank of Mom and Dad funds the occasional dinner at Hillel. We do not fund your sushi craving (you’re on a food plan!) but we will send brownies every now and then.

The Bank of Mom and Dad will fund transportation home for Events like Thanksgiving and my birthday, but we will not pay for you to flit home every weekend to see The Girlfriend. In fact, I think we object to funding most flitting.

The Bank of Mom and Dad will not pay for you to purchase (yet another) soccer ref jersey (four is more than enough), (yet another) pair of cleats, or (yet another) Ohio University t-shirt (4 billion is more than enough).

The Bank of Mom and Dad is here for qualified emergencies. Pizza at 2am is most assuredly not a qualified emergency.

The Bank of Mom and Dad will pay for your cell phone and your internet connection. We will not pay for movies, apps, or online gaming.

The Bank of Mom and Dad does not fund penalties, fines, or tickets.

The Bank of Mom and Dad provides unlimited hugs, texts, and phone conversation support. We do not accept calls when you’re supposed to be studying.

Getting a loan at The Bank of Mom and Dad is not the easiest thing in the world. Getting a hug is (providing you are geographically accessible).

We do not offer a free toaster with a new account or provide laundry services but you are welcome to use both the toaster and the washing machine when you’re here (preferably not at the same time). How many banks do you know that do that?

Advice (and blogs) are gratis-free-of-charge. You are free to do with them as you please.

Love, Mom


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