Dear Kid,

I’m so proud to be from Cincinnati. And a Cincinnati Bengals fan.

Sigh.

I’m still a fan of the Bengals. But the whole professional behavior thing has to be addressed.

Clearly, the Bengals aren’t the only team demonstrating unacceptable behavior recently. I understand when celebrities and pro athletes say they should be left alone. They just want to do their jobs (act, sing, score touchdowns) without being judged on their off-field/off-screen behavior. Except, um, no. You’re in a profession which puts you in the spotlight, you are a role model whether you originally intended to be or not, and ergo paparazzi. Behave yourself, be boringly normal, and people will leave you alone.

As I said, I understand (even if I don’t agree with) the desire to be left alone outside the work environment.

Recent, er, displays, however, have been on-field. During important games.

Something must be done.

I have put a great deal of thought into the whole professional athlete debacle and I am delighted to announce that I have figured out how to solve the problem.

Pro sports teams need moms.

I am not joking.

When your mom is watching you, you behave better. Assuming you have a good mom who is involved in your life, anyway. And if the team doesn’t have the right mom, I’ve decided the league should provide them.

Consider the Campbell’s Soup commercials with that the football player (I’m sure you know who I’m talking about) and his mom. He loves Mom, he respects Mom, and he has never been involved with the kind of nonsense we’re seeing both on and off the field from other players.

Point proven.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

When little kids play futbol (or football or any sport for that matter) they pretend to be big stars of the game. They hit the winning home run, they save the impossible-to-save goal, they kick the winning PAT with 1 second left in the game.

They don’t practice being squashed at the bottom of a pile of larger than life humans who bench press large buildings as a warmup. Rarely do they argue about who gets to be the player who misses the last second basketball shot. Almost never do they want to be the one to run all the way down the field just to turn around and run back.

If you were to wave a magic wand for a group of adult-type spectators, they would all want to be in the same playing situation they practiced when they were little. They would want to be the one hitting the last second three point shot, leaping to save the incredible goal, diving to catch the game winning touch down, perfectly placing the ball in the top left of the goal.

Apparently, there is a company Down Under who has missed the concept entirely. According to Mashable, the telecommunications company Foxtel “claims to have created a shirt that uses wearable technology to let you experience some of the physical sensations that athletes on the field are having. Those include pressure (to mimic a thumping heart), impact, despair (“the sinking feeling of every costly mistake”), exhaustion and adrenalin.”

I do not need a shirt to experience exhaustion–I do that daily. Despair and adrenalin? Every time I burn dinner. Pressure? I’ve got enough stress as it is, thank you.

So I’m not sure I see the point of the shirt. But I’m sure there are fans who will ante up and enjoy every punch and fall.

Note to the developers: IMHO, it will not be necessary to add smell-o-vision to the shirt. We know the smell of stinky man-sweat and it will not go nicely with our beverages and snacks.

What will they think of next?

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

As promised, the Olympics have arrived. Ta Dah!

And the Fails continue (so sad). The hotel rooms still aren’t done which is making journalists grumpy. The snowflakes-turning-into-Olympic-rings was something less than it could have been given that one of the rings didn’t open (oops).

Gotta say, much as we love our US athletes (and we do) the costumes were as bad as promised. Worse since they didn’t have professional lighting, an outdated flag, and photoshop. Baggy sweats. Lovely impression to give the world. Ralph, your mother must be so proud.

And there’s the yogurt issue. Chobani wants to send a whole lot (and by “a whole lot” I mean 5,000 cups) of protein-carrying yogurt to the athletes in Sochi. The athletes think that’s a fine idea. The US thinks that’s a fine idea. Customs, the Department of Agriculture, and the entire House of Representatives (probably) think it’s a fine idea. Russia? Not so much.

The yogurt is stuck in Newark, NJ (and so far, no one is blaming Christie) because the Russians say the yogurt doesn’t have the right paperwork. The US says it is impossible to get “the right” paperwork. Russia is sticking with “na na na boo boo” for the moment and the yogurt is staying state-side.

Overall, the Opening Ceremony was Quite A Spectacle with lots of symbolism not all of us understood completely. Yeah, there was a random dog. Yeah, the Russians inadvertently invented a new look to the Olympic rings. Yeah, we didn’t quite get all of it. But that’s the Olympics. And if these are the worst conditions the journalists have had to endure then I say they’ve had some pretty cushy assignments.

So now it’s time to enjoy the competition, root for our favorite athletes, celebrate the world coming together in something other than war, and hope there are no injuries due to falls, crashes, or less than athletic terrorism.

Happy Olympics and may the odds be ever in your favor.

Love, Mom