Posts Tagged "arachnid"

Suburban Mom’s Car Held Hostage by Pale Attack Spider

Dear Kid,

Me: We can’t go out tonight
Attack spider. DearKidLoveMom.comDad: Why not?
Me: There’s a spider in the car
Dad: What?
Me: There is a spider in the car. We can’t use the car
Dad: You’re kidding, right?
Me: Nope. Spider. In car.
Dad: How did you drive home?
Me: Not very well once the spider attacked me
Dad: Attacked you
Me: Yup
Dad: Want to tell me about this attack spider?
Me: I thought it was outside the car. It wasn’t
Dad: And it attacked you
Me: Yes. And then I smacked my knee on the steering wheel
Dad: Why?
Me: I don’t know why it attacked me. It must just be a vicious spider
Dad: Why did you smack your knee?
Me: Well I wasn’t trying to smack my knee. I was trying to get rid of the spider and smacked my knee as part of the process
Dad: Getting rid of a spider involves smacking your knee?
Me: Only if you do it wrong. Which is why we can’t go out tonight. And why I need ice for my knee.
Dad: What happened to the spider?
Me: If I knew, one of us—and by “one of us” I mean you—could probably do something about it
Dad: What color was the spider?
Me: Pale
Dad: Pale isn’t a color
Me: On this spider it was a color. Or maybe it was Drab Pale
Dad: Is that one of those weird colors you made up like teal?
Me: Teal is a great color. If the spider had been teal, this might be a very different conversation.
Dad: It would?
Me: Actually, only the color part would be different
Dad: We leave in 3 minutes
Me: Maybe I wasn’t clear
Puppy: I can be ready in three minutes
Dad and Me: No
Me: Unless you want to eat a spider
Dad: No! I’ll go look for the spider
Note: Some sighs are small and subtle. Dad’s was neither.
Dad: No spider. Let’s go.
Me: Are you sure?
Dad: I’m sure. Let’s go

We went. I was not attacked by a spider. Although I’m still a little concerned about driving to work today…

Love, Mom

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The Itsy, Bitsy Spider and What Was I Thinking?

Dear Kid,

I should know better. I really should. But sometimes even Moms make mistakes.

I was thinking about what to write for today’s blog. It was approaching publication time and I had nothing. And by “nothing” I mean a big white screen with no black pixels forming interesting and hopefully humorous words. Nothing.

Then I had An Idea. I could look up Interesting Facts About Spiders.

Don’t ask where this idea came from. It wasn’t like there was a spider anywhere near my computer (at least there bloody well better not be). I hadn’t encountered a spider at work (they occasionally come in from the cold). There wasn’t even an upside down juice glass acting as a holding cell for some hapless spider.

This is not an image of a spider because I've had just about all the heebies and jeebies I can take for today. Please feel free to use your imagination.

This is not an image of a spider because I’ve had just about all the heebies and jeebies I can take for today. Please feel free to use your imagination..

But I don’t like spiders. And by “don’t like” I mean truly can’t stand. I believe they are marvelous creatures when they are out in the wild eating bugs where I don’t have to see them. But they fall into the category of “having more than four appendages” and are therefore not Cute and Cuddly, and the minute I have to see them they go from “marvelous creatures” to SOMEONE PLEASE DEAL WITH THIS SPIDER. RIGHT. NOW.

Anyway, there I was with my Idea and a handy computer and I looked.

Heebie Jeebies does not even come close.

I found a site full of completely unbelievable facts. The problem is I’m not sure if they were more “unbelievable” or more “fact.” I do know that I will not sleep well tonight. I couldn’t even make it through the entire list before I slammed the laptop shut and went in search of soothing chocolate.

The problem is I sort of want to know whether those “facts” are really true. I almost need to know. Almost. I will have to steel myself to do more research. But not right now. Definitely not right now.

Love, Mom




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