Dear Kid,

It’s National Wine Day.

I can’t believe it’s taken this long to get here, and I – What? Not National Whine Day? Oh. Dang.

National Wine Day is (duh) a great way to celebrate the grape. Preferably fermented.

So a Wine Drinking Lesson seems in order.

1.

The first step is acquiring wine. Sometimes this is as easy as going to your parents’ refrigerator and borrowing a bottle. Sometimes it involves asking a waiter to kindly bring you a glass. Occasionally it involves going to a store and making a purchase. In the best of all possible cases, it means several friends each brought some wine to your place.

2.

Once you have acquired said vino, store it properly. Most of the time that means in a wine glass. Occasionally it means white wine in the frig, red wine on the counter.

3.

Remember the importance of glasses? Of course you do. The most important thing for college students to know about the right wine glass is to find one that isn’t chipped. For the rest of the world, red wine glasses are generally larger than white wine glasses (the better to allow the red wine to oxidize).

4.

Sniff the wine to enjoy the aroma and prepare the palate. Do not sniff like you’re trying to find a dead rat. Especially if no one else in your crowd is a sophisticated wine drinker.

5.

Take a sip. Take a swallow. Nod sagely. Do not smack your lips. Do not chug your mug. Take another sip. Try a delicate bite of cheese. Sip. Nod. Nibble. Sip. Sip. Aw, heck, drink.

6.

Refill. Try another kind of wine because no one brought the same kind to the party.

7.

It is important to store any leftover wine properly. Leftover wine. That’s funny, right?

Happy National Wine Day.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

The world has now officially come to the end of its technological rationality.

Many people think that happened a long time ago, but I can now officially (and by “officially” I mean I’m saying it) report that the technology world has gone on-beyond, way beyond, beyond beyond rationality.

It seems not everyone is a certified mixologist and – wait for it – there’s an app for that. At least there will be in June.

Not an app where you can look up whatever drink you want and get the recipe; no, that might make sense. And probably already exists.

Created by a new company called Bernooli (here’s the article), this new app talks to your liquor bottles. Think more silent R2D2 rather than C3PO, but there is communication.

The idea is that you get the free app and then buy the kits. You need smart spouts which live on your bottles and communicate with the app.

Want to make a drink? Tell the app, and the bottles will light up, in the correct order, and measure the amount you’re supposed to use as you pour.

Before you race out and spend your hard earned pennies, be aware that the smart spouts aren’t going to be available until December, that they aren’t cheap, and that they don’t come with a bartender to talk to.

L’Chaim.

Love, Mom

Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, someone thought it would be a good idea to strap two wheels together, balance precariously between them, and pedal through a lot of mountains until they fell over from exhaustion. Then steroids were invented and they called the ride the Tour de France.

I consulted My Friend the Internet to learn about this year’s ride. There will be 9 flat stages (Flat stages are for wimps because even I can ride a bike if the terrain is flat. I can’t imagine why they include flat stages in the Tour), 3 hilly stages, 7 mountain stages (definitely NOT for wimps), 2 rest days, 1 individual time trial, 1 team time trial, and a partridge in a pear tree.

The longest Tour was in 1926 and covered 3,570 kilometers. This year’s race will cover 3,360 kilometers. No one knows how many miles that is which is fine because we don’t understand much about L’Tour. (We know more about Words on Tour than we do about the Tour de France.)

Not only is there a long tradition of cycling in the Tour de France, there is a long tradition of cheating. Not just the more recent steroid and drug cocktails, but really creative cheating. Like early on, one of the cyclists hopped a train for part of the journey. And in 1953, Jean Robic traded his water bottle for a bottle filled with lead so he could have extra weight to help him zoom down the mountain.

Until the 1960s, cyclists would drink alcohol during the race to numb the pain. According to My Friend the Internet, alcohol was banned because it was considered a stimulant. (Of course, according to the rest of the world, alcohol is a depressant, but whatev.)

Tour participants burn a lot of calories. And by “a lot” I mean about 5,000 calories a day. For the record, that is more calories than I burn in a month. Which is a really interesting reason to consider becoming a world-class cyclist.

Happy Tour.

Love, Mom