Dear Kid,

There ought to be a law. There should probably be several, but right now I’m talking about one in particular. 

Some issues are things we can agree to have differing opinions on, like whether or not it’s OK to wear white after Labor Day or whether plain or chunky peanut butter is better.

But other things are (or at least should be) obvious. There are things that are just plain Wrong. Things that are not up for discussion or arbitration. Things that should be completely impervious to requests for mercy.

Things that can never be imagined as anything other than Morally Reprehensible. Things that should lead to immediate incarceration. And possibly a great big old fine. 

I speak, of course, of tissues the texture of sandpaper. 

I agree that there are worse things than horrible, cheese-grater-like tissues. Like using poison ivy leaves as a hanky. But overall, getting splinters in your nose from insufficiently processed wood pulp is bad.

Therefore, I say let us wage a war against those who would, with malice aforethought, render our noses redder than necessary.

Looking at you, Rec Center.

That’s right. The gym. The very place I go for health, wellness, and a good sweat foists (yes, I said foists) cardboard Kleenex on its patrons. And while I go to the gym for a bit of self torture, I do not go intending to aim that torture at my schnoz.

Just sayin’. There ought to be a law.

Love, Mom