Dear Kid,

Several days ago, I wrote about important facts of shrimp life that you may not have heretofore been aware of. If you missed that post a) shame on you and b) you can click on the word “shrimp” in the previous sentence and get all caught up.

Astute Reader (I have always wanted to write that) David (not one of the Davids you know or are related to) asked many questions highlighting my lack of journalistic thoroughness. Since I never claimed to have a shred of journalistic thoroughness, that didn’t bother me in the least, but he did raise some interesting questions which I am now prepared (I snarfed some shrimp dip and caffeine free diet coke in preparation) to answer.

What do shrimp eat?

Many shrimp eat plankton and drink seawater. Swankier shrimp enjoy cocktails, while vegetarian shrimp eat shrimp salads.

What happens to the shrimp that get sent off to backboning school?

Shrimp get sent off to learn to get a backbone at a young age. Unfortunately (as I previously mentioned), they never develop any. You would think this would make it easier to learn handsprings, but you’d be wrong what with them not having hands.

Since shrimp parents want their offspring to learn to stand up for themselves, teen shrimp often decide to rebel and walk around on multiple legs, scavenging the ocean floor. The interesting angle (known as the shrimp-angler among those fishing for answers) is that this is what they are genetically programmed to do so the rebels and non-rebels look and act exactly alike. This causes parent shrimp to smirk because they got what they wanted all along—oxymorons.

What about the instructors at the schools?

Shrimp teachers (also known as shrimp heads) run strict schools. Classes include eating, pooping, and antennae waving. Advanced classes including learning how to be happy while being eaten by people and/or marine mammals, because as Douglas Adams proved (extra points if you get the reference) everyone’s happier if the dish of the day is happy.

What about Global Warming?

Turns out the shrimp are in mostly in favor of global warming, what with ice being the key ingredient in shrimp cocktails. One small shrimp, named Gusto, attempted to rally the shrimp to fight global warming (he was a radical in a fairly conservative family, but they loved him nonetheless). While Gusto’s family may have loved him, no one else cared much, partly because shrimp are rather single minded (“Oh, look, breakfast!”) and partly because Gusto had a rather small voice even for a shrimp. While he crusaded with much, er, gusto, Gusto was never heard except by a sweet pinepod named Gertie who ate him before she realized what he was talking about.

Now you know.

Love, Mom

Douglas Adams wrote The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and The Restaurant at the End of the Universe (which is what I was referring to). There are two other books in the trilogy—I love the way that man’s mind works.