Dear Kid,

Once upon a time there was very nice little a goat who was having trouble staying awake to study for Upcoming Exams of the Important Variety. Distracted, the goat nibbled on a few berries from the bush he was standing beside and immediately started kicking up his heels and studying chemistry with abandon. ‘This would be even better in a cup,’ thought the very nice little goat. And the coffee industry was born.

How to make coffee

Option 1

1. Grow a coffee bush, either arabica or robusta.
2. Pick, process, and dry the berries to get to the seeds.
3. Roast the aforementioned seeds.
4. Grind the roasted seeds.
5. Brew.
6. Drink.

Option 2

Get someone else to do the work in numbers 1 through 5.

Seven Facts You Might Not Know About Coffee

Coffee is one of the most consumed drinks in the world. Countless (except for Grandma who can count anything) people have studied the health effects of coffee. Some by doing actual scientific studies, some by drinking enough espresso to send their eyeballs twitching in different directions. Unsurprisingly, there are 3.72 times as many opinions as there have been studies, and pretty much none of them agree on anything except that they were studying coffee.

There are people who say a good cup of coffee is akin to a religious experience. They don’t know how right they are. While we know nothing of the religious orientation of the goat, coffee was for years mostly consumed by Muslims. Then in 1600, Pope Clement VIII declared coffee a Christian beverage. (I did not make that up.) These days it is clearly a non-denominational beverage unless you consider Starbucks a church.

The East India Company was the first major importer of coffee. This is important because you learned about the East India Company in grade school. See? Social Studies was not complete waste of time.

When there is a choice, choose shade grown coffee. MUCH, much better for the environment. Also coffee beans can’t apply sunscreen all by themselves and they taste better when roasted in the roaster rather than in the tropical sun. Trust me, you’ll thank me.

Coffee grounds are excellent for composting. Worms dig coffee grounds (get it?) and why not? Dirt can get pretty boring.

Decaf coffee is coffee that has had some to most of its caffeine removed. Some to Most means there really is no such thing as caffeine-free coffee. Starbucks for example keeps enough caffeine in their decaf to power a small city. “What,” you ask, “is done with the leftover caffeine?” Excellent question. The extracted caffeine is usually sold to the pharmaceutical industry for things like medication to take when you have a headache from coffee addiction.

Coffee can also be incorporated with alcohol in beverages—it is combined with whiskey in Irish coffee, and forms the base of alcoholic coffee liqueurs such as Kahlúa, and Tia Maria. Coffee is also sometimes used in the brewing process of darker beers, such as a stout or porter. That is important because everyone knows that all college students live solely on beer and coffee. Drink a stout or porter (once you’re old enough) and you get a two for one!

Sunday (September 29) is National Coffee Day which only means that you can say “Happy National Coffee Day” as you lift a cup.

Love, Mom

and because I love you, 42 seconds of Hoodwinked. Caffeine baby!