Dear Kid,

The Mathematics of Yom Kippur are astounding. I will leave it to the theologians to explain the theology and to the scholars to explain the scholarly and to everyone else to explain the ratios of the length of the sermon to how hungry we are. I, being a mom, shall explain the Mathematics of Yom Kippur Food.

After extensive research on the subject, I have ascertained that the following is Exactly How Everything Works in Every Household celebrating Yom Kippur.

Day Before Yom Kippur

Eat a normal breakfast

Have a slightly larger than normal mid-morning snack (after all, you’re fasting tomorrow)

Have a slightly larger than normal lunch (ditto)

Have a huge afternoon snack (after all, you’re fasting tomorrow and there might not be enough food at dinner even though you know there will be enough food to feed several small nations)

Dinner. Gefilte fish, matzo ball soup, wine, chicken, brisket, tzimmes, challah, apples and honey, another portion of brisket because you wouldn’t want to be rude, some more tzimmes so the brisket isn’t lonely, asparagus (a little green veggie never hurt anyone), some more tzimmes because it’s really good, another glass of wine because it’s a holiday, a little more chicken because you wouldn’t want to be seen as favoring the brisket, another piece of challah (love those raisins), the chocolate and the apple pie and the honey cake for dessert because you can’t make up your mind, another piece of honey cake because it feels right, another piece of chocolate because YUM, another piece of apple pie because you’re fasting tomorrow. And cream with your coffee please.

Total day before Yom Kippur calorie consumption: 5,782 calories.

Yom Kippur

Breakfast: Skip

Snack: Skip

Lunch: Skip

Snack: Skip

Break-the-fast at Temple: tiny cup of juice, slice of challah, another cup of juice because you’re thirsty, another slice of challah because you have to drive All The Way Home, 2 slices of challah for the road because it’s Really Far to Home.

Dinner at home: Challah (because you didn’t get enough at temple), gefilte fish, a second gefilte fish because you can’t save just one, wine because it’s a holiday, soup because YUM, bagel, lox, cream cheese, kugel, more kugel because YUM, cucumbers, another bagel with everything because you’ve been fasting all day, another glass of wine because wine on an empty stomach is fun, another slice of challah (love those raisins), some more kugel because it’s delish and you’ve been fasting all day, another bagel because this is not really a substantial meal, dessert because it’s time for dessert but please don’t clear the kugel because you might have another piece, more kugel because it would be rude to ask to keep the kugel out and then not eat it, some more dessert because it goes so nicely with the coffee, but no cream in your coffee because you’re sort of watching your calories.

Total Yom Kippur calorie consumption (before the late evening snack because you’ve been fasting all day): 6,891 calories.

Conversation in every home: I can’t believe I didn’t lose any weight and I was fasting all day!

Isn’t math fun?

Love, Mom

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