Dear Kid,

Mankind (I’m a generalist when it comes to language. If you’re offended, we can have that discussion another day) has long known that there is something mystically magical (in a not entirely good way) about laundry.

Everyone knows about the Amazing Disappearing Sock in the Dryer conundrum. This has existed since people washed their socks in the river, draped them over bushes to dry, went down to a friend’s hut to discuss what was trending on the drums, and came back to discover one sock gone. Just gone. Ancient people eventually realized this was due to a syndrome in which mastodons often got a cold nose and stole socks to wear as nose cozies. One of the only people not at all fazed by disappearing socks is Pi, who purposefully wears mis-matched socks almost all the time (notable exception: during a soccer game) thus thumbing (or toeing) her nose at cold-nosed mastodons.

Everyone also knows of the Magic Stain Appearance Trick, in which stains that were not present prior to washing show up during folding. Sneaky things, those stains. A stain that appears during washing is a special kind of stain and there is almost nothing you can do to get it out. Learn to pretend you spilled something on your clothes 10 minutes ago and haven’t had time to get back to the dorm and change–or get rid of said garment.

I’m pretty sure the rules that govern most of the planet are suspended in the laundry room. Something to do with laundry wards and ancient laundry curses is my guess.

Have you ever noticed that you can put all the laundry in the machine, leave to go watch an important episode of NCIS: L.A., and when you come back to move the laundry to the dryer the hamper is full again?

Magic. Also your sister’s knack for hoarding laundry until her room is about to be declared a disaster area–then three months’ worth of laundry tumbles down the chute in a “whump.” And by “three months’ worth of laundry” I mean what she wore yesterday and the day before.

Laundry also has a way of consuming the things you most want to wear.

On the rare occasions when I wake up confident about the Right Clothes for the day, I inevitably discover that the particular outfit I have in mind is waiting for a wash to be done. This of course leads to me standing in my closet mulling–and rejecting–everything in sight.

In some ways this is not totally horrible as I spend most morning staring at my closet wondering why it is full of things I don’t want to wear. So I’m used to it. But it would be nice to have a break occasionally.

Off to get the laundry started.

Love, Mom