Dear Kid,

There is (I think) something soothing and angelic about seahorses. They seem so calm and peaceful, perfect for underwater creature transportation (think about little sea fairies riding seahorses). Yet, it turns out that they are terrible swimmers so ixnay on the ansportation-ay and they are too busy looking for dinner to be calm and peaceful.

So here it is. Everything you always wanted to know about seahorses (that I decided was interesting).

Seahorses are fish, they breathe through gills, and have a swim bladder (which is more or less an internal BCD [buoyancy control device]). Unlike medieval war horses they are not trained to fight and generally try to avoid being eaten by changing color to hide in plants (think chameleon of the sea).

They have excellent eyesight and their eyes are able to work independently which means they can watch what they are writing on the blackboard and keep an eye on the class (like math teachers).

Their snouts work like expandable vacuum cleaners, sucking up anything that looks like dinner. Or breakfast. Or snacks. They eat pretty much always (think 30-50 times a day for an adult). Even babies eat 3,000 pieces of food a day. Remind me to be reincarnated as a seahorse.

Seahorses mate for life (divorce attorney seahorses are too busy eating to take on clients). They have an elaborate courtship display (which they practice every day) which involves dancing and changing color.

Speaking of courtship, it’s the male seahorse that gets preggers and goes through hours of labor to deliver the brood. Baby seahorses are called fry and mostly don’t live very long (baby seahorse is haute cuisine to some predators).

As I said, they are really terrible swimmers and often die of exhaustion trying to move around in a storm. Mostly, they use their prehensile tail to hang onto weeds or coral and watch TV while they wait for the floating buffet to drift by. If they chose to go on a long journey, they grab floating seaweed and hitch a ride across the ocean.

Now you know.

Love, Mom