Dear Kid,

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you’re playing in the Soccer World Cup.

Turns out soccer players are a little looney. Or at least the people managing them are. According to my friend the internet, some of the teams at the FIFA World Cup in Brazil have asked for some seriously wacky things while they are there.

The French team has demonstrated that they are three kinds of crazy by insisting that the players’ rooms must be absolutely identical (yep, that means down to the same color of paint. No word on whether the toilet paper must have the same number of squares remaining.). They have also insisted that all the soap must be liquid soap rather than bar soap. I absolutely cannot figure out why or how this could matter. If you’re picky about soap, shouldn’t you just bring your own? But apparently it matters to the French.

The Ecuadorian team demanded a daily delivery of bananas (from Ecuador of course) to each player. No risk of low potassium here. I think it’s kind of cute. The team isn’t ranked very well which may be why they also insisted on a welcome BBQ and a video game room. Way to keep your mind on business, boys. Seems like you’re planning to do well in the tourney.

The team from Bosnia and Herzegovina may not win a Darwin Award, but they aren’t exactly setting new brilliance standards. They had a soundproof wall installed where they eat their meals—coaches on one side, players on the other—so as to not hear the other group. Ever hear of separate rooms?

The Iranian team insisted on free dry cleaning, because who doesn’t send dirty uniforms out to be dry cleaned besides um everyone?

The Australian team asked for intravenous drip lines for caffeine, but settled for two huge coffee stations. Speaking of building things, the Swiss had an entire beach studio built to do TV interviews. Not sure why they didn’t ask for a beach for relaxing and/or volleyball, but apparently they didn’t. A custom TV studio isn’t really crazy—pretty much everyone does it these days—but the sand is a lovely new twist.

What would you ask for if you were a world class soccer player on the world’s biggest futbol stage?

Love, Mom