Dear Kid,

Once upon a time, there was no such thing as Bigfoot. Then one night Joe Neanderthal was inspired to tell a bedtime story based on his teenage son’s sneakers. The Bigfoot story became one of the Neanderthals’ favorites, and a legend was born.

In the original version, Bigfoot’s name was a result of not being able to find sneakers in an appropriate size. You have to remember that this was in the olden days before basketball players and Nike were invented.

In order to keep his children entertained, Joe sometimes changed the name of the character to things like Sasquatch and Yeti. But since he was a Neanderthal and his kids were Neanderthals that’s all he had to change in order to make them think it was an entirely new story.

If you were to check with My Good Friend The Internet, you’d find that people have been arguing about whether Bigfoot is “real” for a squillion years. Of course, arguing about Bigfoot being “real” is as silly as arguing about whether Winnie-the-Pooh is real. Duh.

Like all good stories, the tale of Bigfoot has been handed (or footed if you prefer) down over the years. Because of the Polar Vortex (seems like as good a reason as any), the People of the NorthWest seem to have taken the story a little more to heart than people in other places. There have been more searchings there than elsewhere, but what these people fail to realize is they’re just looking for a really good bedtime story. Personally, I recommend Dr. Seuss’s Sleep Book. And King Bidgood’s in the Bathtub.

Over the years there have been sightings, footprints, blurry pictures, and more sightings of Bigfoot. Some have speculated that during the offseason Santa likes to dress up in really big gorilla costumes. I think it’s more likely the elves are playing tricks on Santa, but as I’ve said before I’m still waiting to meet some great elves.

Through the years, the story has varied a little, but make no mistake—Bigfoot was invented by Joe as a way to get his children to go to sleep.


Love, Mom