Gymnasts vs XMen

Dear Kid,

The other night you were watching an XMen movie. I was watching women’s gymnastics.

Haley Graham: [V.O.] Elite gymnastics is like Navy SEALs, only harder. There are like, 2000 Navy SEALs, but there are only like, 200 elite gymnasts. I guess that’s because most kids would rather have a life than spend six hours a day training tricks that could kill you. Look, don’t be fooled by the leotards, people. The things gymnasts do make Navy SEALs look like wusses. And we do them *without* a gun!

Gymnasts are incredible athletes. DearKidLoveMom.comYou do know where the quote is from, right?

These little teeny girls (don’t get your eyebrows up, they are girls) are crazy athletes. They somehow manage to propel their bodies 4 or 5 miles into the air (without benefit of trampolines), twist around like a dreidel, and then—wait for it—stick the landing. All while looking sparkly and adorable. And smiling.

What kind of sport requires smiling?

Gymnastics is not a sport for the anti-glitter contingent.

Nor is it a sport for the faint of heart.

Haley Graham: [V.O.] Gymnastics tells you ‘no’ all day long. It mocks you over and over again, telling you that you’re an idiot. That you’re crazy. If you like running full speed towards a stationary object, vault’s for you. If you like peeling pieces of skin the size of quarters off your hands, bars is for you. Because the only thing more fun than rips, is when your rips get rips. It’s super sexy. And floor? Are you serious? I mean, who doesn’t wanna parade around in a leotard getting wedgies and doing dorky choreography? It’s delicious. If you like falling, then gymnastics is the sport for you! You get to fall on your face, your ass, your back, your knees and your pride! Good thing I didn’t like falling. I *loved* it!

It’s incredible how strong they are. OK, they can’t move faster than the speed of life or heal with superhuman speed or any of the other crazy powers the XMen have.

Haley Graham: I can hear you! and I’ll kill you!

On the other hand, they’re real. And really, really impressive. Congrats to US National Champion Ragan Smith!

Love, Mom

All quotes from Stick It!

Stick It

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Here’s What I Think About the FC Cincinnati Game

Here’s What I Think About the FC Cincinnati Game

Dear Kid,

I now have some perspective.

(Yeah, that’s not entirely true. But I have had a few hours’ sleep and I was just too worn out to write and reflect after the game.)

Sooooo, there was a soccer game in Cincinnati this week (wasn’t sure if you knew that).

The price of parking in the area doubled, the number of available seats for dinner eating dwindled to a ridiculous few, and joy and excitement reached entirely new heights.

Dinner was a colossal failure hot mess unfortunate event interesting. After a competitive game of “I Dunno, Where Do You Want to Eat?” we tried every restaurant within 6 miles only to discover that we’d have to wait until dawn for a table. (No joke. We put our names in at one place and we’re still waiting for them to free up a table for us.) We ended up at Dibella’s “Wait, there are going to be guests tonight?” Subs.

After placing our orders, we sat down to wait for the sandwiches.

Let’s do the math: 6 people, 5 of whom ordered subs. How many sandwiches were delivered correctly and how many mistakes were made? Ok, carry the one, compute the combination and permutations, throw salt over your shoulder, and be sure to show your work. In pencil. And the answer is: one sandwich delivered correctly! 4,782 mistakes were made. For the last sandwich, it took our collective efforts to explain that a Philly Cheese Steak included steak (not turkey) and cheese (not invisible cheese substitute).

Fortunately, we had plenty of time and eventually everyone was fed. (I ate French fries at the game. They were just about perfect. Happy, happy little me.)

FC Cincinnati Soccer and Pi. DearKidLoveMom.comThen we went to the game.

If we’re being completely honest, Football Club Cincinnati was outplayed from whistle to whistle. But as you know, I rarely let complete honesty get in the way of fan-ship and team loyalty. There were definitely some questionable officiating calls. Our guys played their hearts out and when they scored the first goal the crowd went wild.

I have never fully understood that phrase until now. I have never felt that kind of transformative energy. It was a lifetime experience.

Ultimately (and by “ultimately” I mean after two periods of overtime), we lost. By one teeny tiny little unfortunate goal.

We got home waaaay past my bedtime. But it was absolutely worth it.

Love, Mom

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FC Cincinnati | We’re Off to the Game!

FC Cincinnati | We’re Off to the Game!

Dear Kid,

Celebrating World Cup Soccer Puppy-style DearKidLoveMom.comSomehow, someway, we (and by “we” I mean you) managed to defy the odds, conquer the technology, and procure tickets to tonight’s FC Cincinnati game.

The fabulous feat means that A) we get to enjoy the game tonight and B) I get to make several people seriously jealous.

We also get to fight 4 zillion cars to make it downtown in time for the start of the game. Not a problem. I have great faith. Not to mention we’re leaving 6 hours before we need to be there.

OK, I’m joking about the 6 hours. We’re only allowing 5.

Don your blue (yes, it’s a #Blueout), and let’s have fun!

Love, Mom

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Keeping Up with American Ninja Warrior

Keeping Up with American Ninja Warrior

Dear Kid,

Have you been watching American Ninja Warrior? Probably not.

I could give you a play-by-play, but it would probably sound something like this:

What? Seriously? OMG! How do these people DO this? Humans just aren’t supposed to be able to…WHAT WHAT WHAT? GO! You can do it!

(You don’t have to tell me I’m not cut out to be a play-by-lay commentator.)

I’m so impressed with these athletes. And the women are getting stronger and stronger and going further and further each year. The most amazing part to me is that the competitors all have day jobs. They aren’t professional athletes (OK—a few are professional athletes in other sports—and they tend not to be the ones that go all that far in ANW). But the vast majority are teachers and realtors and doctors and whatnot.

The dedication they have is astounding, and their athleticism is beyond astounding (what is beyond astounding?). This year, the obstacles are more ridiculous than ever. The competitors are having to hold on with both arms (no legs) and then jump over to the next arm hold (still no legs). Do you know how difficult that is??? Crazy.

Just thinking about it makes me want to go lie down for a while.

Love, Mom

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FC Cincinnati: Fact vs. Fcition

FC Cincinnati: Fact vs. Fcition

Dear Kid,

Yesterday, 18,214 of my closest friends and I went to the FC Cincinnati game. It was my first pro soccer game, so I’m celebrating.

We had a great time at the FC Cincinnati Soccer match.

Soccer game? Soccer match? I’m still learning. But either way, we had a great time.

As always, I think it’s important to separate fact from fiction (so I’m labeling things).

Fact: FC Cincinnati is the world’s best professional soccer team. Because I live here. And went to a game. Enough said.

Fact: Their colors are blue and orange. This makes it reasonably easy to go from a soccer game to a football game. Or should I say, from a football game to a football game.

Fact: FC stands for Football Club. I learned that yesterday. Don’t make fun of me for not knowing. There are (undoubtedly) others who don’t know.

Fact: We won!

Fact: It was awesome seeing the look on #11 Danni König’s face after he scored. Priceless. Meant we absolutely sat in the right seats.

Fact: Tickets are affordable. (See: World’s Best Professional Soccer Team.)

Fiction: I look good in orange. Not so much. But I can wear blue, so no problem.

Fact: Mitch-the-Goalkeeper did a great job. Being a Mom-of-Goalie in times past, I say this with confidence. I also think he didn’t have to work too hard which is a HUGE compliment to the defense. (Mitch–hope your eye is OK.)

Fact: The Bailey is where the uber-fans sit. Several fan groups make The Bailey their home, including Die Innenstadt. You didn’t know what Die Innenstadt meant (although you were suitably impressed with my German accent) so, being the kind of mom I am, I looked it up. It means inner city or inner circle. Most Die Innenstadt members are from central Cinci.

Fact: The various fan groups work together to support the team. This is AWESOME and very Cincinnati. (See: World’s Best Professional Soccer Team.)

Fact: Dad ate popcorn. Don’t ask me to explain. I can’t.

Fact: The weather cooperated. Given the weather this spring, I can’t explain that either. But I’m not complaining.

Fact: People at the game were polite. (See: World’s Best Professional Soccer Team.)

Fact: There were no vuvuzelas. #Thankful

Fact: There were talking drums. Love the talking drums.

Fact: While the majority of the FC Cincinnati players are from the US, players also hail from England, Senegal, Denmark, Panama, Jamaica, Northern Ireland, Canada, Guam, Trinidad and Tobago, Germany, and Spain. We only sang two of their national anthems. (Oh, Canada by a men’s group whose name I didn’t catch was fantastic.)

Fact: People should support FC Cincinnati. Even if they don’t look good in orange.

Fact: I look forward to attending another game.

Love, Mom

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Running on Empty

Dear Kid,

Who thought up running? And who thought it would be a good (and by “good” I mean healthy) idea to breathe in car fumes and asphalt gasses instead of sitting comfortably on the couch? DearKidLoveMom.comWe run to the end of the wall, the wall, we run to the end of the wall.
We run to the end of the wall, the wall, we run to the end of the wall.

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, there was a nice breeze, the birds were (somewhere) chirping, and Pi and I were ruining the whole thing by running.

Who thought up running?

And who thought it would be a good (and by “good” I mean healthy) idea to breathe in car fumes and asphalt gasses instead of sitting comfortably on the couch?


We run to the end of the bridge, the bridge, we run to the end of the bridge.
We run to the end of the bridge, the bridge, we run to the end of the bridge.

Canada Goose: Get out of our bathroom.
Me: This is a sidewalk, not a bathroom.
CG: It’s our bathroom. Scram!

We run to the end of the road, the road, we run to the end of the road.
We run to the end of the road, the road, we run to the end of the road.

Pi: Come on, Mom, you can do it! We’re almost there!

Of course, by “almost there” she meant we were about a mile from the gym, where we planned to work out—after which we’d still have to walk home.

We run to the end of the fence, the fence, we run to the end of the fence.
We run to the end of the fence, the fence, we run to the end of the fence.

Pi: How about we sprint a little? We can sprint to the next driveway and then walk two driveways.

We were in a commercial area. Driveways were 6½ miles apart.

Me: How about we sprint to the yellow thingy. (I was feeling tired.)
Pi: The fire hydrant?
Me: Right.
Pi: Okey. Then we can jog to the driveway.
Me: Don’t count on it. (I said that part inside my head. I am not so foolish as to say it outloud.)

We sprinted to the fire hydrant and then jogged. By which I mean she ran really, really fast to the fire hydrant and then jogged. I ran (much less quickly) to the fire hydrant (arriving approximately 3 hours after Pi) and then walked to meet her.

She’s nice like that. She waits for me.

We run to the end of the trees, the trees, we run to the end of the trees.
We run to the end of the trees, the trees, we run to the end of the trees.

We made it to the gym. We worked out. It is possible (but not likely) that I’ll be able to lift my arms tomorrow. It’s even possible that I’ll live through the entire summer of working out with her. But only because working out with me will generally be her second workout of the day.

Which means she’ll be more focused on me. That can’t be good.

Love, Mom

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